Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

I love being a girl, but today it would be advantageous to be a guy.  I’m thinking about sex and trying to figure out some stuff.  Even if I get it right, I won’t know if what I believe to be true, holds true for a guy.   Which means, I can 100% right for me and still be 50% wrong.  So with more questions today than answers, I’m hoping that maybe the devoted gentlemen followers of de blog will help those of us with an X-chromosome figure it out.

Okay, so we’ve already established that I’m the happy holder of an x-chromosome, but right now I’m thinking about those born under the Y-chromosome.  It all started the other night when I was in a nightclub.  I wasn’t wearing a nun’s habit, but clearly, I was wearing more clothing & less make-up than any other female in the club.  I was looking at the other women, based on what  they were wearing, it’s clear they wanted to be viewed.  Tight things, short things and revealing things, made me wonder is less always more?

Back in the day, the briefest glimpse of mammary flesh was enough to cause big thrills for those y-chromo-beings.  With breasts on display like 4-H livestock, I was wondering if there is a point at which so many become passé.  Seriously, is a breast really so much more attractive than a great shoulder or a long leg?  Or is it only made more attractive because of the mystique of being kept under wraps?

Since I’m not a guy, I can’t answer that.  Based on  what I know of men, I doubt they’d tire of breasts if  they were in a room with breast-wallpaper.  But thinking so much about sex lately, I’m probably sounding a little like a guy–I assure you there is a good reason–which I’ll get to shortly.  I just finished rereading a book that had a profound impact on me years ago.  It had been so long since I’d read it, I decided to revisit it, to see if I felt the same about it now as I did then.

The book’s main assertion  is that the sexual revolution ruined sex.
Hmmmm.
I have to think about that.  The sexual revolution was well underway before I was, but as the mother of a young teen, I have good reason to wonder about the impact of too much exposure to all things sexual.

The whole point of the sexual revolution was to end the repression that kept people from being able to enjoy sex and free us all up to be more sexually fulfilled.  The new morés of our culture suggested that we should all enjoy more liberty and variety in our sex lives.  That’s when things started to get complicated.

Isn’t sex supposed to be about intimacy and isn’t intimacy about knowing the other person?  So how much intimacy can we expect if we barely know who we’re with?  Does the depersonalization of sex lessen the quality or just redefine it–like those income tax forms where if you don’t want to go through all the trouble you can opt for a shorter one.  You might miss a few benefits, but with the simpler form, you’re done much quicker, and we all know how good it feels to be done.

My background in marketing causes me to always consider the trade-offs between quantity and quality.  Call a focus group so we can get some numbers and determine how many people one can be truly intimate with.  Is it one or two in a lifetime?  or one or two a weekend?  Without intimacy, sex becomes much less personal.  If it’s less personal, it’s probably not as significant and the quality may suffer.  In marketing terms we’re talking about user experience vs.  user satisfaction.  It’s a process vs. product thing.

So at it’s most basic sex is merging one’s physical being with that of another–oneness.  I will assert that if sex is about becoming one with another, their pleasure should be our pleasure and vice versa, however if we don’t know them well enough to really care about them, how invested can we really be?

Traveling with a group of men awhile back, the subject of the hotel’s pay-per-view porn came up.  As the younger men discussed the hotel’s offerings, an older man interrupted their conversation to share the following insight:

“Porn is great for awhile, but ultimately it will ruin sex for you”.

He says it with authority and I’m happier not knowing how he’s reached this conclusion–in fact, I’d be happier if I wasn’t having to listen to guys drool-talk about porn while I’m lunching on a B.L.T.  Nevertheless, it starts me thinking.

Porn is about sex, but it isn’t real sex and though some people can’t get enough, it’s a flimsy substitute for the real thing.  Despite this, porn is now widely available and becoming more mainstream–women, who used to object to porn because it objectified women,  now constitute the fastest growing segment of an  unapologetic market.

But, what if my friend was right?  What if porn will ultimately ruin sex?

Having grown in in an age when everything was “dirty”, I’m not advocating for going backward.  I feel bad about the days when we weren’t allowed to talk about things and didn’t know the names of the things we would have liked to have talked about–but I’m starting to miss the desire that came with that which was previously forbidden.

Which brings me back to the teen in my home.  In this age, I can’t be the same kind of mother I had.  There is simply no way to keep my son from being exposed to sex.  I can talk to him, I can educate him and I can try to imbue him with my personal views, but I can’t shelter him.  At his age, he’s probably seen more skin on TV, than my husband has in his entire adult life.  In the media, sex is a product.  Process is sacrificed to mass-produce what sells.  If he or anyone else translates this to real life, sex is reduced to nothing more than “get ‘er done”.   If it’s common, mass-produced and readily available, the quality has to suffer.

I’m not ready to go back to the era before the sexual revolution, but I wouldn’t mind turning back the clock while my boys grow up.

His ex-wife was frigid.
She didn’t want to make love to him.

This is the cliché that opens the door for his next relationship.
I’ve heard it before.  You’ve heard it before.  Perhaps it’s even been said about you.
Men telling how they failed to receive sexual satisfaction from a previous partner, is so common a complaint, that it might lead many to believe that married women are asexual.  Not hardly.

Having recently heard it again from a newly divorced man , has caused me to reconsider marital sex.

One of the reasons that illicit sex is so alluring is because it is basically uncomplicated.  Meaningless sex has one thing going for it, marital sex does not–it is unencumbered by years (or decades) of emotional history.  Not that every one-night stand is fancy free, or casual sexual encounters aren’t affected by emotional circumstance, but the less history–the easier it is to be in the moment.   Not only that, but there are more unknowns, more intrigue.  In other words–less history, more mystery.

In a marriage there are many tensions that can cause sexual break-downs and there is familiarity–the monotony of monogamy.  It is much easier to be enraptured by the unknown, than it is to be excited by the familiar.  Familiarity and the layers of emotional slights, can cause one to have reservations or hold resentments.    After all, if the point of sex is feeling good, why would anyone want to do it with someone who makes them feel bad???

In this forum, I write primarily to women, but the men would be well-served to pay attention here.
Before I proceed, I will give this proviso.  Most of the statements below are based on broad generalities.  They do not apply to every individual or every marriage, however, I would not set them forth, if I didn’t believe them to be broadly true.

There is some kind of cosmic irony in the great inequity of the amount of sexual energy with which men & women are naturally endowed.  While it may seem that men have an endless supply, women have closely guarded reserves.  Considering my own verve, I might resent that statement if it were made by someone else, but please allow me to explain my premise.

It seems that men need only opportunity, to have interest in sex.  Women need inspiration.  In fact, I would argue that women get much of their sexuality from their partners.  Since the majority of men seem to have more sex-drive than they practically need, we supplement our own with theirs.  Though women have drive & desire, most of our sexuality comes alive because of men (or for some women).  We tend to think more about sex when there is something desirable at hand.  If there is something to tempt us, even if we aren’t getting any, most of us would like to be.

This is in part why women dress & primp as we do.  Evolutionary scientists would probably argue that this is because we want to “have their babies”,  no different from birds who groom & plume to make themselves the most desirable of their species, with whom to mate.  Perhaps, but I know from experience that even when we don’t want to have their babies, we still want to be viewed as the most attractive & viable candidate.

Once we’ve arrayed ourselves for maximum effect, we want to know that they’ve noticed.  This is where the very delicate mating ritual begins.  We need them to notice us, but in a very specific way.   Most women want to be perceived as sexually attractive, but not as sex objects.  (There are exceptions, but we’ll talk about “that kind” of girl some other day).   Optimally, we want our physical attractiveness to stop a man, long enough for him to notice our other qualities.  In other words, we want them to desire us, not just for the night, but also the following morning when we rub the sleep out of our eyes to make breakfast,  or take care of the offspring.

A recent study concluded that feeling “desired” was the ultimate aphrodisiac for women.    Wish it were as simple as it sounds.  Men aren’t always discretionary in the way they desire women.  Many men “desire” any woman who will have them–if it has anything to do with sex.  So while they may express desire, it may not be in the way that makes women feel desirable.  They express desire for our bodies, but we want them to desire what is inside.

Our physical desirability is our opener.  We use it to leverage the things we really want–like being cared for.   It is not enough to be loved.  If it were, there would be no marital problems, because I am convinced that most men do love their wives, sometimes ineffectively, but if not forever, they do the best they can, for as long as they can.

The kind of love they’re offering may not be the kind we need. If the love offered isn’t the kind one can internalize, it may not register as love at all.  We may need love to feel like protection, provision, recognition, admiration or some other variation.    We want to be cared for–as if we couldn’t do it for ourselves, but recognized as being the kind of women who can.  We want to be understood, despite our complexities.

My fabulously witty friend, news bunny and real-life Harvey girl said it best:

“I need my man to treat me WELL.  If he isn’t going to put me up on a pedestal, how else can he ever expect to see up my skirt.”

That is why “if it’s not happening in the head, it’s not happening in the bed.”  When partners don’t feel  valued,  they may disconnect.   Ironically, what is to men the ultimate expression of intimacy, can cause women to hold back, if they don’t feel intimacy in other aspects of the relationship.  Others may take the tactic of reducing marital sex to something like casual sex–devoid of the intimate significance–more physical than emotional.

The loss of connection to a mate tends to deaden sexual fire.  Once the fire has begun to lessen, there has to be some serious tinder tending, to get it hot again.  Fortunately women are very giving . .  any man who is willing to fan the embers the same way he used, will probably find his gal will bring the kindling.

Deb’s Note: Beloved Soul Mate is wondering whether the above may cause some to wonder how long it’s been over here–I assure you he’s not had time to suffer.  However, I’ve yet to know any couple, for whom the sex is non-stop perfect week after week and year after year.  If you have been with the same person for an amount of time longer than months, and never had the misfortune of realizing that sex ebbs and flows like the tides, CALL ME!  I’m sure my readers would love for you to share your secrets here on de blog .

(I won’t be sitting by the phone waiting for that call.)

Our sense of value is a prime factor in how we move through our lives.  It is a key determiner of what we can accomplish. It affects the way we interact with others.  It colors our relationships.

Feeling valued is essential to our well-being.  Those who feel valued by their partner, will strive to demonstrate their value.  Those who feel devalued cannot.  For this reason, it is nearly impossible to have healthy relationship with someone whose sense of self has been greatly diminished.  A good relationship can help to restore a person whose self worth is damaged, but it is very difficult to heal an internal wound from the outside.

Some time back, I remember hearing somebody’s new finding regarding where men and women get the validation that provides the biggest part of their sense of worth.  I wish I knew the source now, but having giving it much thought, I recently concluded the idea was valid, but not original.

The expert reported that women received most of their validation from their relationships.  Not any  big surprise there, eh?  Women want to be loved, needed, admired and desired.  However I was surprised to learn that men derive most of theirs from their careers & accomplishments.  Men need to feel capable, competent, strong, and respected.

So as women look to their partners, family and friends for their sense of validation; men are looking to something that is largely inanimate.  There is some irony here.  As women try to gather people around them, men tend to be looking outside the home for the things that fortify them.  Is it any wonder that the work-aholic husband has become a cliché?

In observing the people around me over many years, I am convinced that the most confident and self-assured men, are those who have a sense of having accomplished something worthwhile.  Sometimes it is career, sometime it is something that just makes them know they have the stuff men should  have.  Conversely, the most dynamic women I know are the ones who have succeeded in surrounding themselves with meaningful relationships.  For some, that circle is inside the home or family, for others it is a network of girlfriends, associates or other acquaintances by whom their spirit is fed.

If this idea seems to simplistic, consider the devastating effects of a prolonged period of unemployment on a man or the way a woman can be affected by a damaged relationship.  Both are mere bumps in the long road of life, yet either can cause an extended period of self-doubt and anguish that can be immobilizing.

Though I don’t remember where I heard this information, I do I remember when I heard it–sometime around 1991.  I mention this, only to say, I’ve had a few years to think about it. Based on the empirical evidence, I have to conclude the finding valid, but if it was considered a “new finding” the person who published it should return the grant money that funded the research.

This past week, it occurred to me that there is a Biblical corollary.  Not preaching here folks, but remember the part where men are instructed to love their wives, but women are instructed to respect?  I’m just saying.

Whether or not, you subscribe to the ideas put forth in The Bible, here is another one from that book you can embrace.  Wise guy Solomon said there was nothing new under the sun.   He was mostly right, except for stuff like Lady Gaga, the iPad or the new line of Kotex products that look like party favors???

Deb’s Note:  New line of Kotex to be featured soon on debuts!

For many years, my mother was a regular client of Marinello School of Beauty, a place where a woman of modest means could get a fairly good “do” at a cut-rate price.  Occasionally, I went and waited while she got her hair done.  If you have to wait for someone, a beauty salon is not a bad place.  The air is redolent with an interesting combination of perm solution, hairspray and fruity shampoos; the conversations are lively and there are magazines.

At Marinello’s, the magazines were the kind my mother never would have subscribed to.  There was Glamour, Gossip and the holy grail of forbidden titles–Cosmopolitan.  I would have never have been bold enough to touch the Cosmopolitan, but if I positioned myself strategically, I could read the covers.

On this particular day, one of the teasers on the cover read:  “Is Bitchiness still Sexy?“.

The “b-word” was in the category of most of the other bad words I’d heard.  I knew they were bad, but wasn’t clear on why or what they meant.   I fully understand the nuances of the b-word  now, but this hasn’t helped me answer the question posed on that magazine cover.

I have no idea why that question is still in my head, but chalk it up to superior memory skills.  I am still intrigued with answering it, because I routinely see nice men hook up with women who are, for lack of a better word, bitchy!  I don’t get that.  Is bitchiness a side effect of pretty?   When a man is treated badly, does he believe he’s WAY out of his league and therefore lucky to have this level of unpleasantness?  Is a woman who treats a man contemptuously seen as a challenge or  something to be conquered?

To this girl, bitchy women are the height of unattractiveness.  Women don’t care for them, and unless one’s manhood yearns for a level of “whipped”, there isn’t any reason men should.

Then again, I was raised in a different era.  I was raised when the art of  “playing-hard-to-get” was something girls were suppose to develop and perfect.  I wish that someone had given me more advice regarding men, but as I said, it was a different era.  I caught on pretty quick that men mostly wanted one thing, but nobody told me whether or not I should give it to them.  I only got as far as knowing I was supposed to play hard-to-get.

I wasn’t very good at it.  I knew I was supposed to feign disinterest, but I rarely succeeded.  I did my best to maintain an aloof façade, but it usually lasted until someone smiled at me.  When someone called to ask me for a date, before I could remember the hard-to-get stuff, I’d enthusiastically accept.

So I went on a few dates and along the way, I learned a few things.  One of them is that men will say or do almost anything, if they think it will sway you into giving them the thing that makes them lose their senses.   One guy even told me had a pool, in a weak attempt to lure me to his house.  (He did not have a pool, fortunately, I learned this from a girlfriend who went to his house with a swimsuit in her purse.)

So, every now & then, some old cutie from high school will tell me he might have asked me out, if he’d thought I would have accepted.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda, yada, yada, yada.  This strikes me as more than comical, considering how many Friday and Saturday nights I spent watching TV with my sister.  It’s just as well those dates never materialized, it probably saved me from myself.

This makes me wonder if my lame attempt at “aloof”, was ever interpreted as bitchy.
Maybe, those innocent young men mistook my version of “bitchy” for sexy.  That’s the only explanation I can find for why guys who found me attractive didn’t ask me out.  Bitchy-sexy?  That doesn’t sound like me.

So is bitchiness still sexy?  If it is, that’s news to me.  I didn’t think it ever was, but if I find out that it is,  I’ll work on naggin’ my man wild!

Over the past few months, I didn’t have the luxury of reading for pure enjoyment, because the time ordinarily spent, was taken up with other reading.   In an attempt to reestablish my reading-for-pleasure habit, I combed my bookshelf for an easy read.  First book chosen,  was about the psychology of happiness.  Not bad.  Not great.  Not very engrossing.  It was informative, mostly asserting that some people are happier than others.  (242 pages to tell me this?)  I’d already come to that conclusion, and since I’m pretty happy, it wasn’t very helpful.

After putting that book aside, I spied another title that seemed a sure-thing–Extraordinary Sex Now.
I chose this book with same kind of discrimination, I employ with almost every other book I buy–in other words, none.  About 70% of the titles I read are thrift store-born whims.  This particular book seemed a better-than-average value.  $1.50 for extraordinary sex???  How could I possibly go wrong?????

Just finished it.  It was about as helpful as the book on happiness–mostly an extraordinary waste of time.  Apologies to the author, but this book is about having what I would consider ordinary sex.  By ordinary, I mean sex, in which dysfunction does not play a hindering role.  It was closer to duller sessions of marriage counseling, than it was to inspiration for extraordinary intimacy.

The book suggested that my partner and I would more-or-less fit in one of four animal categories; lion, otter, bear, or bee.  Near as I can tell, I’m a lion.  No, I think I’m an otter.  Wait, maybe I’m an otter with lion traits–or a lion with otter tendencies.  It was easier to figure out what I wasn’t, than what I was, and it started me thinking about another animal-type that I’m not—the Cougar.

The Cougarrific lifestyle has become very trendy.  I’m not in the dating scene, but even if I were, I think it’s safe to say I have NO cougar tendencies.   I have a couple of girlfriends who are seeing younger men.  If it works for them, I’m all for it, but in general, I’m not a fan of the older woman/younger man dynamic.

Call me old-fashioned, but to me, it smacks of mother/son.  Women can’t help but nurture, which is great, but when it turns parental, it seems like dysfunction.  This isn’t always true, but I’ve seen many examples of the older woman/younger man relationship falling into that pattern.  To me a guy who partners with someone who “mothers” him, just doesn’t seem very manly.

I think in most cases, the Cougar “thing” is usually about Stella getting her groove back.  It’s about having a good time and feeling desired.  In those instances, I’d say it’s more a therapeutic stop-gap, than a real partnership.

A guy friend suggested to me, that the trend was the response of more liberated and less inhibited mature women who weren’t ready to stop living.  Some of these women, upon finding themselves available at later ages, also discover the men in their own age group are settling down.  It seems that after a certain age, many men begin starting to enjoy nesting & resting, more than going for the gusto; and too many of them seem to prefer weekends with the remote to weekends in remote locales.

In an era when women are enjoying more freedom, more economic independence and are better able to keep themselves feeling attractive, fit, and vital; the desire to be desired and fulfilled is larger than it was for previous generations.  Not only that, but today’s woman is more sexual than ever, causing many to crave physically fulfilling relationships.   Who wouldn’t?

Still, even when I was  much younger, I wanted  a man of a certain maturity–a man, not a guy who was still trying to become one.  I remember too well, the insecurities and unsure qualities of  20-something guys.  Been there.  Done that.  No thanks.  For me, there isn’t anything more attractive than a man with his own well-defined sense of self.

That aside, there are other reasons it wouldn’t work for me.  Trying to imagine it, I’m seeing how even a casual  dinner date might be problematic.

Sitting across a table listening to the conversation of a man who has been through some stuff, seems like a more interesting evening, than having to listen to the idealism of a man with limited life-experience.  Even if dinner wasn’t tediously boring, there would be the matter of the check.  It’s been years since I’ve picked up my own tab–except with girlfriends.  If I were with a younger man, I might have to.  I might be old enough to be a Cougar, but I might also be too old to want to remember how to calculate a tip.  Even if I felt differently, if we couldn’t get through dinner, there probably wouldn’t be much chance of things going further.

So to all the Cougar gals—-girrrrrl, your boyfriend looks good.  Rrrrrl!  There is nothing as visually delightful as the unspoiled beauty of youth, but it’s nothing compared to the assured, seasoned attractiveness men acquire with time.   So, while you may catch me watching one of those young bucks walking past, for this lioness, there’s still something about an old stag.

_____________________________

1.  Scandling, Sandra R. (1998) Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couples Guide to Intimacy
Doubleday.

Deb’s note: Our country was built with the foundational ideal that happiness is worth pursuing.  Though I can’t recommend the book mentioned above, if you’re committed to being happy,  I encourage you to read Dennis Prager’s book “Happiness is a Serious Problem”.  It’s cheap, easy to read, readily available, AND it’s chock full of life-changing goodness!

Fantasies,

fetishes,

fondnesses–we all have proclivities.

Unless you are possessed by sordid curiosity, you’d probably rather I don’t share mine.

Sorry, but I’m sharing.

It’s show & tell time for grown-ups.

Some women get weak at the sight of a great tush.  Some swoon for a nice chest or broad shoulders.  Some can’t resist facial hair.  (I don’t share their enthusiasm, but I admit a weakness for men with long hair.  In my opinion, there are far too few of them out there. )   Wanna know what else turns me on?

This is going to sound like a lame cop-out, but near the top of my list is a great smile.

Okay it’s out there. You know my secret.
I’m a tooth freak.

I love clean.  I love groomed.   Fresh & clean are always sexy–especially in the mouth.

Oral hygiene turns me on and a great mouth causes my imagination to run wild.
So I when I told a a friend about my plan to review a toothpaste.  The response was, “Geeez, you’re such a mom!.”  Kids, it’s ain’t like that.

Here’s my take.  Teeth are important.  It’s just basic quality of life stuff. The use of the mouth for stuff like eating & talking should really have a rank on Maslow’s Hierarchy.  All that aside, teeth are aesthetic.  If it weren’t so, most of us wouldn’t have sprung for the orthodontia of our offspring.

No matter who you are, or where you find yourself in life–married, single, looking;  your teeth are in the equation.  Unless you’re not smiling enough, everyone sees your smile.  Baby, trust me on this,  smiles open doors!

There’s nothing quite like scary teeth to guarantee you personal space.   On the other hand   .    .    .    .

Sorry, my mind was wandering.

Unless you’re hoping to never be kissed, you really should take care of those pearlies.    Most of us don’t have spectacular teeth, but it’s in our best interest to do what we can to make them their best.  It can only help your social life, and no matter what they look like, the ones you’ve got are better than the ones that sleep in a cup.

So now that you know my little secret,  you’ll understand why I chose my new toothpaste as the very first product to debut on de blog. You can find it under  “debuts“.

Deb’s disclaimer: I’m working with the teeth God gave me.  Together, they add up to a pretty good smile–despite the fact they aren’t Hollywood.  So?   Is it hypocritical for me to be judging other people based on their teeth?  I figure, men lust after stuff they don’t have & gals like stuff they don’t have.  There’s no double standard here.

One more thing.  See that photo up top?  That’s my kind of porn!