Posts Tagged ‘Sex’
MAN vs. FEMINISM
Less than a century ago, women in The United States hadn’t yet been granted the right to vote. Though it was allowed in some states, it wasn’t until 1920, when the constitution was amended, that women were guaranteed this right. Without the ability to voice their viewpoints via the voting booth, perhaps our country would be different today. I shudder to think of the improbable possibilities for laws [bad] men might have tried to pass. Would there be a Barefoot & Pregnant mandate? A Mall Prohibition Act? Failure to Chill Beer ordinance? Tax deductions for men who wished to claim both their wife and mistress as dependents?
Fortunately, women have made amazing strides and this country is one of the better places in the world to be female. Despite this, women still struggle, because there are some things even progress can’t change. It is possible to update our wardrobes, refurbish our furniture, restore old cars, or remodel old homes, but men are always AS-IS.
Which is why, while most of us like having a man in our lives, finding one that doesn’t make us crazy or worse, can be near impossible. Lest people mistake this for a diatribe from a man-hater, I wish to assure readers that I am a BIG fan of men. Women are almost always more and better company, but I still find the company of men irresistible. I especially like them, because they are different than women, but the more manly they are, the stronger the urge to change them. It’s like this:
I want a man who works hard enough to sweat, but I’d prefer not smell the sweat.
I want a man who knows how to use a gun if he needs to, but dislike men who need to remind others they know how to use a gun.
I want a man who can and will fight, but not a man who wants to fight.
I want a man who shows skill in the bedroom, but I’d be really turned on, if he were as eager to show off his kitchen skills.
I would like it if my man looked like one of those attractive gay models, but if I were to find out he was gay, I doubt I’d still find him attractive.
Men think women are hard to please, but it’s actually quite simple. We want manly men, who are sensitive, soft, gentle, and sweet, like women.
Women like me, have succeeded in confusing men. Are they supposed to be he-men or metrosexuals? Are they supposed to open doors for us, or just leave us a key? It’s all about balance, as we struggle to eliminate the confusion over who wears the pants and who wears the panties.
Blame feminism, because as women gained more equality in the workplace, they sought more at home. Women were changing, and in the process they were inadvertently changing men. This made me wonder if more powerful women, meant less powerful men. Was the Great American male becoming an endangered species, teetering on extinction after having been emasculated by well-meaning feminists? Had The Great American man become as frail as the California Coastal Sand Gnat, struggling to survive in the face of environmental change?
Women would love it if men were more like girlfriends, sharing their enthusiasm for things like cashmere and Italian shoes. If we had our way, men would learn to enjoy long meandering conversations and realize the joy of shopping, but while there have always been women who wanted men who were as easily controlled as children, the majority of us still want a man with a nicely defined backbone. There are men who enjoy shopping or grooming as much as women, but most men are simply not interested, because despite everything, they are still men.
Nevertheless, the metrosexual is often exhibited as evidence that men are becoming feminized. I’m not buying it. It’s just the latest incarnation of “The Sharp Dressed Man.” It’s not like men don’t care about their image, but image is different things to different men. For some image is grooming, for others it may be a car, a fat paycheck or a perfectly manicured lawn. The term metrosexual may be new, but his type is not. A hundred years ago, a man who embraced fashion and a refined lifestyle, would have been called a dandy.
Some argue that feminism has diminished our respect or the strength of American men. Many point to the examples of television fathers–like the difference between Ozzie Nelson and Ozzie Osbourne as evidence, that our view of men has been diminished. The media often portrays men as bumbling incompetents, relying on women to guide them, but this is nothing new. Literature is full of hapless henpecked husbands. Even during The Golden Age of Radio and early television men were often the brunt of jokes. It makes for good comedy, and men are surprisingly good sports about jokes made at their expense. Make fun of a woman, and you’ll likely regret it, but men are easy targets.
Why?
Because in the war between the sexes, there is no cease-fire. Women will fight for every hill, to make sure that their wisdom, competence and superior taste in almost everything is acknowledged, but men will easily surrender or declare victory, if they get respect, appreciation and regular demonstrations of affection–AKA sex.
Feminism changed sex and the economy of sex, because it enabled women to move between supply side and demand side. Women now had demands and were controlling the supply through a kind of rationing and price-fixing. As the supply began to change, men sought new suppliers, and there were always more suppliers. Promiscuity became common and porn became mainstream. Wives no longer held the monopoly on sex, and men were suddenly contenting themselves with the kind of cheap, easy, readily available women they’d previously disdained. The one woman one man ideal was outmoded, as men began sharing their pulp princesses with countless other men, and women found themselves competing with mens’ make-believe mistresses.
It simplified things for men, as they no longer needed to please a woman emotionally or sexually just to get a little, but it was hardly the brave new world. Pleasure-seeking and erotica have always existed, and it isn’t as if internet porn destroyed the sexual utopia that existed before feminism. Marriage took some hits, and intimate sex between people who loved each other fell victim to friendly fire, making some wonder if sex within marriage or would soon be obsolete. Doubtful, as long is there is one person alive who remembers that the solo, is nothing compared to the duet.
Men still need women, and women still need men. Feminism changed our world, but it has yet to change men into women or women into men. The war between the sexes continues, because some things never change, even in the face of progress.
Copyright 2012 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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Candy Overload
Less than a century ago, Halloween was little more than a night of youthful pranks and mischief. Ever-changing, and ever challenging our sensibilities, it seems Halloween is forever being redefined. No other celebration poses more of a dichotomy, as the most morbid themes are mingled with whimsical innocence. Fairies, princesses, ghouls, super heroes, and characters from TV or movies provide alternate identities, and a brief escape from reality.
Halloween is one of our calendar’s most-controversial celebrations. From it’s earliest origins, it has been a holiday to love or hate. The holiday we now know as Halloween, was first instituted by Catholics, as the intended replacement for its pagan forerunner, Samhain. In keeping with the Night of the Living Dead theme, it was a day to honor the memory of saints and martyrs. Martin Luther’s Protestant reformation, hoped to eradicate the Catholic celebration of All Saint’s Day and All Hallow’s Eve, because his religious ideas did not embrace the Catholic view of saints. The New England Puritans banned the holiday in the New World, because of its Catholic origins, but it wasn’t long before large numbers of Irish-Catholic immigrants succeeded in reestablishing the popularity of Halloween traditions.
By the early 1900′s, Halloween celebrations had become part of the American tradition, but the holiday was, and still is, one of our most controversial. Just as the Catholic church once did, many churches and religious communities, have invented their own substitutes for Halloween. Even the so-called “separation of church and state” hasn’t been able to keep schools from taking a stance. Many schools have banned costumes or other Halloween celebrations out of respect to those with religious concerns–and one school district in Pulyallup, Washington, was compelled to enact bans, lest local witches (Wiccans) be offended.
People either love it or hate it. I understand many dislike the way Halloween blurs the line between good and evil, but to me it’s not so different from the rest of life as we all seek to balance bad things and things that scare us, with the good and sweet things which make life worth the struggles. In fact, I adore seeing children in costumes eager to receive a ration of candy, but for some even innocent trick-or-treaters pose a nuisance.
If only being grown-up, were as simple as being a kid. As adults, we adopt a seriousness about ourselves and the things around us. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is clear that Halloween is no longer just for kids, and it is one of few opportunities for us to shed the inhibitions and constraints of our own identities, to embrace another. In the same way princesses, ghouls, super heroes, and cartoon characters give children a chance to make-believe, costumes offer grown-ups an invitation to play.
I like it when adults let down their guard a little. Costumes seem to make it easier, but if costumes are a license to have fun, they can also be an excuse to behave (or misbehave) in a way one wouldn’t normally. An article from Psychology Today suggests costume choices may reveal hidden parts of our personalities. Whether it is repressed feelings, unspoken desires or innocent fantasies, Halloween provides an outlet.
This brings me to the subject of provocative female costumes. Once witches were ugly crones with green skin and twisted noses, but the newest generation of witch costumes usually feature a spell-casting amount of skin–which is rarely, if ever green.) Every perennially popular costume is now available in various degrees of slutty. Not so long ago, the pregnant bride costume provided risque laughs, but now most of us would err on the safe side, by offering a pregnant bride our congratulations. Beacons of virtue like Snow White and Red Riding Hood have lost their innocence, along with the school teachers, nurses and costumed nuns who have joined the naughtiness. It seems the little girls who once collected candy, have become a mixed bag of sweet tarts.
Though most women enjoy the attention that comes with being attractive, those who swap their uniqueness to become just another girl in a skimpy costume are reduced to little more than eye candy. Has our quest for equality made us like men hoping for a conquest, with no thoughts of the morning after? As we advertise our tricks and display the treats, have we forgotten how to cultivate desire, without the use of T & A? Could it be that we no longer know how to engage and delight men, so they, like children on Halloween, can hardly concentrate for the distraction of thoughts of finally being allowed to unwrap the candy?
The downside is that just as kids may revel in the excess of the evening, big boys are apt to do the same. When Halloween is over, they will have to wait for next year’s candy extravaganza, and some women may realize they have become just another piece the morning after, the sexy costumes have no more appeal than leftover candy corn.
Thankfully, it’s only one night a year.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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IMPRESSIONABLE
A duckling, newly emerged from the shell, immediately looks for something with which it will bond. In the absence of the mother duck, the hatchling forms an attachment to the closest moving thing, whether human, animal or even an inanimate object like a ball; in a process called imprinting. Our sexual response is often the result of our own imprinting. We may not even know why certain things turn us on and others don’t, but they are often the result of earlier experiences and the feelings we associate with them.
We are complicated creatures, but we are also amazingly simple. As researchers study human sexual response, there are new findings on why we like what we like, but some of it just seems obvious. For instance, a recent study showed a tendency for us to gravitate toward partners who bear certain similarities to our opposite sex parent. Freud would say it’s Oedipal, but it’s not that complex. We adapt to what is familiar. Americans eat fries with ketchup, but Europeans prefer them with mayonnaise. I don’t even like ketchup much, but because it’s what I’m used to, I like it better than mayo on my pomme frittes.
In the same way, our ideas of physical attractiveness are mostly the result of cultural conditioning. Across the globe, beauty ideals vary greatly. We may prefer smooth skin, beautiful teeth, or hard bodies, but there are places where scars, gold teeth and soft bodies define desirability. Our preferences may seem personal, but they are largely influenced by what we’ve become accustomed to.
Consider the colors you like. It is likely you have a favorite. Maybe you’ve assumed color trends are launched by hipsters or designers, or that your response to them is a matter or personal taste, but the reality is that they are largely shaped by teams of professionals in the color industry, who work to change your preferences, in an attempt to influence what you will buy. They begin by choosing palettes (also called color forecasts). These palettes are then used to to create the things you are likely to see in stores. What we may think of as color “trends” are actually an orchestrated effort to make you like what they’re selling. Their effort relies on exposing you to colors repeatedly, until you first become accustomed to them, then fonder of them as they become more familiar. (They are also counting on you to tire of those colors, in time for their next round of picks.)
Our brains are very malleable, quickly responding to things around us. Neurons and synapses are constantly readjusting according to exterior stimuli. Often called our largest sexual organ, it should come as no surprise that the chemical and electrical activity of the brain not only reacts to, but also alters our sexual response. The brain continually records and categorizes experiences, creating a mental database of positive and negative perceptions. Eventually, those associations trigger reactions ranging from arousal to repulsion. It is still not completely understood why some develop odd triggers or fetishes, but just as the deformed and putrid flesh of bound feet were once considered the height of erotica in China, our sexual response is largely the result of conditioning.
Because of the way our brains recall previous experiences, things we have found pleasant or arousing before, can become sexual triggers, but unpleasant experiences can also rework our sexual response. This is particularly true in cases of coerced sex, violent sex, or shame-inducing sex. An individual who has been raped or molested, may have trouble getting past the fear or anxiety associated with predatory sex. In fact, those who have suffered sex in a traumatic context may develop a negative reaction to what might be considered normal sex. (I’m not about to attempt to define “normal”, but for this example, let’s define “normal” as he kind of sex we can imagine Claire and Cliff Huxtable having.) A gay man I know, recounts being encouraged as a child, to have sex with a female cousin for the pleasure of voyeuristic adults. After which, the residual shame made it impossible to even think about sex with a female.
In theory, the chemicals (like oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine) released when we have physical contact with another, are supposed to help us bond to and enjoy a long relationship with a single person. However, in a culture where casual sex has become increasingly common, those same chemicals can fuel a kind of anti-monogamy addiction. Those who bounce from bed to bed, may not even realize they are reprogramming the brain to reject monogamy, as they become conditioned to the rush of new encounters, making longer relationships, less attractive and less sustainable.
Because healthy relationships require both an emotional and physical bond, relationships based primarily on sex tend to be short-lived. Casual sex may be satisfying in the short-term, but without the emotional validations we crave, sex isn’t enough to sustain a long-lasting relationship. It is an example of how what we want, may not be what we need. Even in arrangements like “friends with benefits”, the ongoing effort for both parties to balance the differences between their sexual and emotional needs, usually makes the arrangement temporary, at best. Unfortunately, without a significant emotional connection, sex for the sake of sex, becomes little more than a series of thrill rides. Even Cosmopolitan magazine, which has long advocated free sexual expression, recently cautioned men that excessive masturbation can diminish their ability to respond to sex with a partner.
What we want, isn’t always what we need. Sometimes getting what we want, prevents us from getting what we need. The reasons may be complicated, or simple, but like Pavlov’s dogs salivating for a bell, rats conditioned to endure electrical shocks in exchange for a few grains of food, or a baby duck waiting for a dog to teach him to swim or fly; we are all subject to imprinting.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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My Book Report
Overheard in a used bookstore: “The trouble with these books is they’re so literary.”
The remark struck me as funny, but it probably shouldn’t have. Granted, I was in Bullhead City, AZ, but when it comes to books we don’t all like the same things. Some books are good enough almost anyone can enjoy them–as evidenced by the Harry Potter series, but there are many books that aren’t as easy to enjoy. I read lots of books, as a result, I end up reading some that aren’t very good.
When it comes to books, you are either a reader or you aren’t. Because I am a reader, I enjoy combing the shelves of places where used books are sold. I could save money by going to libraries, but that wouldn’t allow me enough time form the same relationships with books. To me, starting a book is a commitment to see it through to the end. Sort of like a marriage, though we begin with a preconceived notion of what’s to come, unless we stick with it, we have no idea how it will end. When a book starts poorly, I keep reading, in the hope it will get better, but as with relationships, some books are just more satisfying than others.
It is my assumption, that most of those who read de blog are probably “readers”, but since nobody has time to read everything, I read books looking for bits of not-to-be missed brilliance, with my readers in mind. (No need to thank me, but I’ve saved you tons of money and time you might have spent reading some awful books.)
Over the past several months, I’ve read dozens of books about men, women, and relationships. A few stand out. If I had a library, instead of using the Dewey Decimal System, I’d use a system like the one employed at a certain store, where I used to rent videos. One of their employees took it upon himself to personally share his opinions about the videos he had viewed. If he had scrawled on the vinyl case, “Clayton recommends”, customers could be reasonably sure the movie was worth watching.
My library would have “Should be Mandatory” sections. I’d chose some books for young people who know nothing of history & politics, and other books for those who believe they know everything of those subjects. I’d probably recommend some books on religion to those who have no faith, and some secular books to those who only read theology.
But who needs a library, when having a blog offers the same egotistic opportunity to tell others what they should read? So since summer vacation is the perfect time to pick up a good book, here’s de blog’s summer reading list. No matter what your current relationship status, there is something for everyone on this list. Not only that, but each book is chock-full of worthwhile for those seeking a new or improved relationship.
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough – by Lori Gottlieb
This one tops my list because it’s incredibly well-researched and is actually fun to read. Bestselling author, Lori Gottlieb provides answers to why fabulously-eligible women sometimes have trouble finding their dream man. Lori shares her own experiences as she explores online dating services, tries her luck with a matchmakers, and seeks the help of a dating coach. It’s a fascinating look at ways women sabotage their chances with great guys. If you aren’t smarter after reading this book, you might as well just start talking to yourself and collecting stray cats.
He’s Just Not Your Type (and that’s a good thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It by Andrea Syrtash
This book is a natural follow up to the one suggested above. The author suggests that if all your relationships end the same way, it might be because you keep dating the same type of guy. Ms. Syrtash encourages women to get out of their comfort zone, by dating the guys who aren’t their type. (It worked for me.)
The End of Sex, Erotic Love after the Sexual Revolution by George Burr Leonard
Don’t tell anyone, but I like sex. Can’t blame me, I was raised after sex, drugs & rock & roll replaced the mores of my parents’ generations with an openness that changed everything. Suddenly sex was plentiful, cheap & easy. Unfortunately, sometimes cheap lacks quality. When our society traded quality for quantity, it was at the cost of the three M’s–the magic, the mystique and meaning of sex. The author makes a great case for monogamy as a source of exciting challenge and adventure. I read this book every few years, because when it comes to sex, I’m a 3M kind of girl.
Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
The title of this book may be off-putting, but it’s not as it sounds. While women may believe being submissive is a virtue, being too agreeable can subvert a relationship. This book isn’t really about being bitchy, as much as it’s about not being so desperately weak as to allow oneself to be walked on like a doormat. Women, being naturally accommodating, often put up with stuff they shouldn’t. Between the covers of this book is the lesson (or reminder) there is such a thing as being too nice. It’s all about getting respect, because a woman who is properly respected, needn’t be bitchy.
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
I’ve read plenty of books about sex, intimacy & romance, but most of them give the same advice . . be open to new things, tell your partner what you like…ZZZzzzzzzzz….If you’re past that, you’ve probably already realized it’s possible to have great sex within the confines of a not-so-great relationship, or a great relationship that isn’t sexually satisfying. This book is for those who want to enjoy both a great relationship and great sex. If sex makes you uncomfortable, this may not be the book for you, then again, it might.
Being a Woman: Fulfilling Your Femininity and Finding Love by Dr. Toni Grant
There are way too many books out there suggesting female perfection will eliminate marital woes. When I came across this book, the photo of the author with her perfectly-styled hair had me fully prepared to be wading through another volume of tips women gave daughters in previous generations. Fortunately, the days of housewives who wore pearls to vacuum are over–if they every existed.
Being a wife or mother in a post-feminist society presents new challenges to the role of a woman. Dr. Grant acknowledges ways feminism has changed our roles, while also realizing women aren’t all the same. She offers suggestions for balancing every aspect of a woman’s multi-dimensional personality, while still being the kind of woman a man will adore.
Okay that’s my list. These savvy books are too good to be returned to the library or sold back to the used bookstore. If you find any of these titles of interest, it is my sincere hope you’ll enjoy them and learn useful things from them. Because I found the first book listed above to be particularly brilliant, I will be sharing my interview with author Lori Gottlieb soon. Lori has written for a host of publications including, Glamour, People, Mademoiselle, Atlantic Monthly, Redbook, Time, Self and Elle. (In other words, this babe has it going on!) In the meantime, I wholeheartedly recommend “Marry Him” to any woman who is frustrated by dating.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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More than Lip Service
Except for the day when Larry Durbin and I shared a Charms Pop at the old Elks Theater, I had never exchanged spit with anyone. In fact, I had successfully managed to avoid being spit on, touching anything that had spit on it, and until that fateful day, all the spit in my mouth was entirely my own. Unknowing innocence, was erased when my first kiss caught me off-guard with a strange mix of delight & repulsion. Sweet Mother of Mouthwash, saliva had suddenly become esoteric and sublime.
Wistfully pondering the strange delight of the kiss, caused my mind to wander back through the kisses filed away in my memory. There were kisses I’d like to forget, kisses not worth remembering, and then there were those kisses which linger as sweetly on the heart, as they once did on the lips.
There is no kiss more memorable than that first awkward, blundering, kiss. The innocent joy of mouth meeting mouth, becomes hugely significant, as what will likely be one of the lesser kisses of our lifetime, becomes one of the greater memories. In that first unfamiliar experience, our senses are awakened to the first of many romantic pleasures.
I am reminded of a terminally-ill family member, who, as she considered the short time ahead, lamented how long it had been since she’d been “properly kissed”, but she was not referring to the proper kiss. She was not referring to that multi-purpose kiss which says, hello, goodbye, and thank you like the “aloha” of cordiality. For as any woman knows, being properly kissed, borders on the improper.
The kiss is intimacy’s most basic act, yet many fail to execute it well. A “kiss & tell” confession, is apt to state whether someone was a good or bad kisser, but who is the Simon Cowell of kissing? By what standards is this judged? This isn’t the kind of question that is answered by Wiki or Ask.com, and surely we wouldn’t all agree on what constitutes good technique. If you’re reading this, it is assumed you are past needing a tutorial on how to kiss, and also assumed you know kisses should be fresh and clean; but perhaps you have yet to realize the most important thing about a kiss is not the way it feels on the lips, but the way it leaves us feeling inside.
A kiss should be spontaneous. Not every kiss is executed with natural ease, but the best kisses are both expected and surprising. In the moments before a kiss, there is a certain pleasure in wondering if a kiss is coming. The unanswered question is usually answered with uncertainty, as one or both bring their faces closer. Sometimes words are spoken, permission is asked or desire stated, but the best kisses require no introduction.
Kisses should be given and received in a way that respects the other person. They should neither stifle, impair nor impose. Wet is good, but sloppy is not. Only after being kissed by large dogs or drooling babies, should one feel compelled to wash their face. The great kiss leaves us wanting more.
A kiss should be focused on the mouth, but not confined to it, employing caresses, as it explores the surrounding areas.
A perfect kiss is urgent but unhurried. It transcends time, causing us to forget about clocks in the moment, and leaving us to remember the moment, when it has passed.
When a man kisses a women he should be in command of her affection, but not attempting to control it. There should be no pretense in a kiss. Only a lesser individual will kiss without sincerity. Kisses should never exploit the affections of another.
The best kisses hint sweetly of what is to come, yet are sufficient by themselves. They are the intimacy of flesh on flesh, mouth-play, and sweet sensations suggestive of more.
A male friend offers his perspective on kissing. Though I have never kissed him, I would venture, he has kissed and been kissed often enough to speak authoritatively. Mae West said, “A man’s kiss is his signature.” Joel, who shares his thoughts here, seems to agree.
FROM JOEL:
I remember the second girl I kissed. Surprisingly, I don’t remember the second kiss. I was more focused on sliding into second base. I was a breast man then, and I’m a breast man now–with regard to quality over quantity.
How silly I was then not to realize kissing is to be enjoyed, not just a pass-through.
I remember the third girl I kissed. Perhaps I owe to her what I know today. Remember looking with her at a photo of us kissing together and she captioned the photo “The River”. Apparently a river, OK, tributary, of saliva would flow from my mouth to her puckered lips. Thinking back to the third, fourth, fifth…to today..I feel I have perfected the kiss, yet am always open to learn more.
Kissing is an art, it tells a lot about someone, and connects you on a different level than prior.
The perfect kiss begins with eye contact, intense eye contact, looking deep into the other person, feeling their energy unite with yours. Looking down at the lips, then back up into their eyes. (No elevator eyes up and down their body, for you already know, or don’t need to know, about the body.)
Closer together the lips come, and I stop, she’s ready for the lips to meet, but I hold off, just for a moment. I take my hand and gently place it on the back of her neck. Slowly, (or sometimes opting for fast n hard, as that can be quite exhilarating!) drawing her closer to me, our lips touch…I pull back, lips apart, draw my hand into her hair and squeeze just enough to hear her moan. With her soft beautiful hair in my fingers I bring our lips together again, this time with more passion. I pull back ever so slightly, place my upper and lower lips around just her upper lip and gently, slowly bite down….and then…well, I can’t reveal everything, now can I?
I’ve been on dates where a bad kiss was all I needed to know I didn’t wish to continue. One’s kiss is personal, tells a lot about the person, and can make or break an encounter.
Joel’s friend Serena shares her perspective:
FROM SERENA:
I used to think of kissing as a prelude to the better “stuff,” or a way to show the other person that everything is alright.
Recently, I’ve had a kissing epiphany with the luck of finding someone who has chemistry with my lips, and myself.
A friend once described a first kiss with her partner with the few words, “It was like time stopped.”
I couldn’t relate. I know what she means now. Haven’t you ever been doing something you enjoyed so much you couldn’t focus on anything but that? A powerful massage, your favorite song played live at a concert? Isn’t it like time is stopping during that moment? That’s what I feel more times than not when I’m kissing a certain someone.
What creates this? Maybe this:
Our eyes connect, and his magnetize to draw me into him uncontrollably. The force is stopped by two soft lips and I can feel his excitement in his motions as he pulls me closer. Sometimes the motion of the lips is fast, sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes playful but in each kiss a perfect connection of two bodies and lips touching and exploring–minds connecting. A kiss is a full body and soul experience.
Indeed, as Serena and Joel remind us the kiss is so more than lip service. It is hands, bodies, minds and souls in optimistic concert.
How long has it been since you’ve been properly kissed?
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Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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The Lexicon of Sex and the Magic Decoder
In a perfect world, men & women would always be in sync. There are disparities of emotion, outlook and of course libido. While the difference in sex drive may be the punch line of many a joke, it is not a laughing matter when couples cannot connect physically. Anyone who has been a long relationship, will tell you wet seasons are often followed by drought. It is always assumed that men think of sex more frequently than women, the truth is we just think different thoughts. I suggested in an earlier post that women’s desire is influenced by her feelings toward her partner. Women have little trouble mustering desire under the right circumstances.
A fundamental problem is the sexicon–that’s my term for the lexicon we each use to communicate our sexual desire. Some keep their sexual communication as prim & proper as Victorian maidens, others prefer to be bolder. How we communicate is not nearly as important as whether or not we are clearly understood. When we don’t know how to interpret the sexual messages of our partner, problems are inevitable. For this reason everyone needs an effective way to decipher messages received.
Women include more details in their definitions and descriptions of everything. Whereas a man’s definition of sex is relatively simple, a woman’s includes details–many, many details. The man thinks about sex and his desire is fueled. A women thinks about sex, and she’s hoping that someone will fuel her desire. She wants to experience that which will leave her blissfully lost in the arms of her lover.
So a guy says something pathetic like, “Hey baby, come here.”
He hopes that’s irresistible, but without a sexicon translator, she hears, “Come girl. Stay.”
Most women are not desperate enough for a treat, for such an unimaginative approach to cause them to rollover. Therefore, the seduction fails and the man is rebuffed. In his sexicon it’s rejection–a reason to sulk, slink away, or retreat; reluctant to try again.
For men, there are only two answers to the question, which translates as “Do ya wanna do it?” To women there are many possible answers–each with nuances that are likely to be misinterpreted by men.
A partial list or female responses might include:
Mmmmmm.
Now?
I’ve been thinking of you all day, let’s skip dinner.
I can’t get naked, I feel fat.
Sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
The drool on my pillow means I need sleep.
Is that motor oil I smell?
Did you have salami for lunch?
Those jeans make you look amazing.
Those jeans make you look like your AARP card has expired.
It’s too cold.
It’s too hot.
Did you lose your razor?
Has your gym membership lapsed?
Your ex- called again. Please don’t touch me.
Your dog chewed my Pradas. Please don’t touch me.
I don’t have a headache, but I will if you don’t shower.
I wanted you yesterday.
You are amazing.
YOU ARE HOT.
YOU ARE A JERK.
All reasonable responses, but all subject to misinterpretation. Remember when Nancy Reagan just said no? There was no room for misinterpretation, but Ronnie still heard, “She wants me!”
Enter the lotus lamp–an exotic little something I picked up. It’s not magic, but it’s mechanical. Since men don’t find gadgets nearly as vexing or confusing as they find women, it’s the perfect sexicon decoder. The simple mechanism allows it to be adjusted from closed blossom to fully open flower–perfect for communicating one’s openness for sex.
Opened just a little suggests possibilities exist.
Opened wider conveys greater enthusiasm.
Wide open with a candle, suggests hot desire.
Need your space, close it snug.
He’s a jerk? Secure it with duct tape.
He slept with you sister? Weld the thing shut.
It may appear to be nothing more than just an attractive tchotchke on the nightstand, but I see it as the perfect translator for the sexicon–like a thesaurus, only simpler.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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To be or not to be???
No matter how flawed humanity is, I remain a huge fan. I see our quirky individualism as part of The Divine tapestry. Because of this, I respect the opinions & morality of people whose views may oppose my own, and though I have standards by which I try to live, I don’t like to impose my standard on others with different values or beliefs. This declaration is necessary, because today’s topic requires me to tread lightly. In the news is the issue of whether or not the government should cut funding to Planned Parenthood.
It must be acknowledged that talking about Planned Parenthood, is talking about sexual & reproductive issues. If you are faithful reader of de blog, you may have guessed I’m not uptight about sex, nevertheless, because anything related to sex is colored by our morality, it can be a highly sensitive issue to others.
NEWS FLASH: People have sex!
They have since the beginning of time, they will continue until the end of time. Planned Parenthood serves some of those people, but unfortunately, within their client base are a large number of people who would be better off not having sex. That‘s not a moral judgment, it’s an observation.
A long time ago, in a lesser zip code of Oakland, CA, I worked at a home for unwed mothers. I’ve seen girls as young as 11 struggling with the decision of whether or not to become mothers. I’ve seen pregnancies that were tragic from their conception. I’ve seen the stereotypical unwed black teen, but I’ve also seen girls from respected families hiding until their pregnancy was brought to term. I’ve seen girls pregnant by family members. My earliest roots were Catholic, but after seeing hard reality, I became convinced of the need for alternatives to pregnancy.
Before Planned Parenthood, teens had unprotected sex in the back of the barn, the backseat of a vehicle, or any other place they could find. Back in the day, an unwed mother was sent away until the baby was born. The baby was put up for adoption or sometimes raised by its grandparents.
Fast forward…
Teens still have sex behind barns and in backseats. Even with readily available birth control, girls still get pregnant. We no longer send those girls away, and many of their babies are mostly raised by grandparents. That’s not the worst thing, as anyone who has been a parent, is better suited to raising a child, than someone who still is one. Though Planned Parenthood has made birth control and abortions readily available, they haven’t succeeded in significantly changing the outcome of the situation.
What has changed is society’s attitude toward unwed mothers. Americans may not be crazy about the regularity of young girls getting pregnant, before they are ready to be parents. We don’t rejoice for teens who inadvertently trade the carefree years of their youth, for the unrelenting responsibility of parenthood, but it would seem that even those who aren’t ready to become grandparents are reluctant to have their grandchildren aborted. Whether pro-choice or pro-life, most of us are pro-family when the issue comes home.
In the rhetoric of why we mustn’t cut funding to Planned Parenthood, is the projection it will result in something like a half million more abortions a year. These projections are estimates, substantiated only by speculation, but one must wonder why the nation’s largest promoter and provider of abortions is opposed to seeing more of them. After all, weren’t a woman’s right to choose and population control the foundation of Planned Parenthood’s doctrine? Perhaps it has more to do with market share, than the welfare of women. Abortion is a very lucrative business, Planned Parenthood, a federally subsidized “non-profit” agency made more than $100 million in profits last year.
Another argument, against cutting funding is Planned Parenthood provides many services besides birth control and abortion, services for males, such as screening for testicular cancer and testing for STD‘s. I’d like to see the statistics, because I’ve been to Planned Parenthood, the waiting rooms are mostly full of young women. When guys are there, they are usually holding the hand of a girl who looks frightened. Their waiting rooms are not full of guys lining up for testicular cancer screen tests. Guys do go there for STD testing, usually only after a girlfriend has told them it might be prudent.
Perhaps the biggest loss if Planned Parenthood’s funding is decreased would be the easy accessibility to birth control. If this is our priority, it would be more economically efficient to subsidize contraceptives, than agencies which supply them. Those who oppose funding cuts say this would increase the number of unwanted pregnancies among members of the lower socio-economic classes and within minority populations, because traditionally Planned Parenthood has served these populations. That might seem noble, but to those familiar with Planned Parenthood’s roots, it reeks of racism.
Early leader of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger believed that babies born to minorities should be slowly eliminated to decrease the blight of racial impurity on America. Are the children of poor minority mothers less valid than those born to others? She believed in population control and a form of eugenics–which favored the distillation and purification of race. She believed Hitler had it right. She was involved with the shameful chapter in American history, known as The Negro Project. Sanger and her cohorts, thought they knew best which births most needed control.
Though Planned Parenthood has tried to distance itself from it’s hideous racist roots, the agency still targets minorities and the impoverished. Defenders of the agency, say that cutting funding will hurt women. Which women? There is nothing noble or benevolent about an agency which makes the greatest share of its income from those who can least afford it.
No matter our views on sex, birth control or abortion, we have the freedom to choose. We each choose what we believe is right for us. Even without being subsidized, there will always be clinics that provide birth control, testing for STD’s, reproductive health services and abortions. We know about Planned Parenthood because it’s the largest abortion provider in the United States, but there are many others. Cutting funding to this agency will not eliminate it.
As I see it, this planet has nothing worthwhile without the people of all kinds who populate it. Babies were meant to be born–even those that don’t come with a silver spoon in their mouths. Race and economics aside, every child deserves a future, because greatness is not born of race, wealth or status. We will never know what genius, creativity or social contributions we missed because of those who went unborn. Perhaps, the economic genius, who would have had the brilliance to solve some of our current economic issues, went unborn. If Americans continue to attempt funding everything because of high ideals, while disregarding the reality of economics, none of our children will face a bright future. It is time to cut funding not just to Planned Parenthood, but to every program that no longer makes sense.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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A-ffair Question
Infidelity is infidelity…but there is the kind of infidelity that is about sex, and the other kind. Though most infidelity has a sexual component, it is often SO NOT about sex.
Infidelity comes in many forms, like the inappropriate friendship, the one-night stand, or the full-blown affair.
To most the breach of monogamy is defined physically, but it is emotional component of infidelity which poses the greatest threat.
I see it differently than most women, but here’s my take. The least significant act of infidelity is the one-night stand. It is often, as unintended as a hiccup. Anyone can be vulnerable to the sexual attraction of another and wake up the morning-after with clear-headed remorse. Nobody wants to find out that their partner has spent the night in the arms of someone else, but as infidelity goes, this is rarely reason enough to trash an otherwise sound relationship. However, this is only true if the one-night stand is a single incident. A series of one-night-stands is the behavior of a person who is probably incapable of being faithful.
I can already hear the thoughts of those who would ask, “But what about the sanctity of marriage?”
Sanctity???? How about sanity???? Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but even among the most sanctimonious and devoutly religious many marriages fall short of sanctity. Fidelity is meaningless if our relationship becomes hostile or cruel. If our relationships are not loving, it hardly matters if we are faithful.
The second most damaging kind of infidelity is the affair. The affair is different from the one-night-stand, because it is ongoing. It is an intentional undercover relationship. A longer affair is not necessarily indicative of deeper emotions, because once in an affair, it can be difficult to get out. The sexual and emotional satisfaction are satisfying and addictive. Though affairs are fueled by sexual desire, they are driven by emotional need.
Upon discovering that one’s partner has become involved with someone else, there is a myriad of confusing emotions and daunting questions. Answering those questions is often destructive, but understanding the answers can be helpful.
My advice to anyone who discovers infidelity is to skip the obvious questions, because the answers will only cause more emotional upheaval. If you wish to restore the relationship, focus on the questions that are helpful. Any good investigative journalist knows the first question is always, “Who?”. Knowing who will satisfy curiosity, but knowing is rarely positive. Where and when are also NOT very helpful.
“Who” is not helpful, because it shifts the focus and blame to the wrong person. The other woman/man is not the only culpable party. Despite this, women can become very hung-up on the “who” causing a toxic cocktail of emotions, which will ultimately compound the issue. The betrayed woman will compare herself to and try to compete with the other woman. She will ask what the other women had that she didn’t. The question can be answered without being asked, because the answer is almost always the same.
She had one thing. It wasn’t her face, her hair, the outrageous body, sexual talent or anything else. She had the magical ability to make your partner believe he could be happier with someone else. Whether she was short, tall, fat, skinny, blonde, brunette or redhead; she was Tinkerbell. She opened the door that allowed him to fly out your bedroom window. That’s all.
You cannot compete with Tinkerbell. She is fantasy. You are real. Your real life is full of real issues and real annoyances that will cause tensions between you and your spouse. Her real life is tidily separate from his, allowing them both to exist, for a season, in a place about as real as Never-Neverland.
The only question worth answering is “Why?” Why was he willing to turn his back on a marriage and risk ruining your life? This is another easily answered question. It was because within the other relationship his emotional needs were met. As it turns out, the sex is a bonus. Somehow she was able to make him feel contentment, self-worth and an emotional connection–like the one you once shared with him.
It is SO NOT about the sex. It is almost always about a commonality, being understood and feeling a connection. Real life has a way of battering and bruising connections, especially in a long relationship. Once damaged, they can be hard to heal. This is why ultimately, an intimate friendship is more dangerous than a sexual liason.
Upon being discovered, the question of whether or not they slept together is usually THE biggie. It is painful to think of one’s partner with someone else, but if he says they never slept together, don’t breathe a big sigh of relief. Even if he’s telling the truth, whether or not they slept together is almost irrelevant, because it is SO NOT about the sex. The heady emotion of feeling cared for or understood is more seductive than the most beautiful woman. If he felt that he was misunderstood or not cared for, the only question that needs to be answered is why.
Copyright 2011 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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Snow White did it.
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Friendships between men and women are complicated. Long before Harry met Sally, Noël Coward said sex was the basis of all friendships between men & women.
He was right, he was wrong and he was arrogant.
Despite Coward’s words, he enjoyed many long and close friendships with women. His friendship with Marlene Dietrich even became the subject of the play Lunch with Marlene. Considering Coward was a gay man, it is doubtful that sexual tension was their bond.
Can men & women be “just friends”?
Though many disagree, I believe they can.
I have had close friends of both genders as long as I could remember. Growing up with two brothers and a sometimes competitive sister, I have always appreciated how men generally don’t compare your hips to theirs or pick apart your outfit. I was never as “girly” as some girls, so it wasn’t a stretch for me to be riding bikes or building a fort with the neighborhood boys. Nobody told me, after puberty, the rules change.
I’m married, but I still have men friends. Most of my close men friends have been my friends for at least a decade or two. Some are single, some are married. Unless I’m incredibly naïve, the relationships are not based on unrealized sexual feelings–which is probably why they’ve lasted. Underlying sexual feelings have a way of eventually rising to the surface to redefine relationships.
My men friends, like my girlfriends, are people with whom I share emotional or intellectual connections. Each is someone with whom I can enjoy a meaningful and stimulating conversation. However, conversations with men are not like the conversations with women. Men’s conversations have beginnings and endings. The conversations of women continually roll into more conversations. For this reason, the men-friends will never take the place of girlfriends, but the objectivity of men can be good for helping a woman see things from another perspective.
In researching this subject, I came upon articles that suggested men who are more feminine or women who are more masculine are much more adept at cultivating friendships with the opposite sex. Though this may be true, it is also true that men raised around women and/or women who have been around men just seem to have a more natural comfort around members of the other gender–not really that different from how New Yorkers understand each other, better than they understand Californians.
The key to keeping friendships with members of the opposite sex from becoming troublesome, is being sure both parties understand the terms. I favor the all-the-cards-on-the-table approach. (Only the most desperate of men will hang with you at the mall, once he knows he’ll never get further with you than Macy’s.) Should a friendship turn into something romantic, many believe it is doomed. This is particularly ironic, considering how many idealize the idea of marrying their best friend.
Though sex doesn’t necessarily doom a friendship, it usually alters it. The vulnerability of intimacy has a way of changing things. Some take a test-drive on the intimate side of the road, and then resort to being “just friends“, but sometimes a couple starts as friends and end-up husband and wife. After a failed romance, some go on to become closer, more respectful friends–but don’t count on it.
For those who believe an intimate relationship will screw up a friendship, there are two options. The first: sleep with the friend, ruin the relationship and get it over with; the second don’t sleep with them–but continue to wonder if sex would ruin it. In either case, should you insist on sleeping with your opposite-sex friends, you risk losing your same-sex friends. If your moral code, marital status or something else precludes you from the first option, then you are stuck with the second option, but don’t despair, good friendships are more worthwhile and last much longer than sex.
Deb’s Note: Friendship comes more naturally to me than writing about it. Each time I set out to write about friendships, I find the subject too complicated to adequately address. This is certainly true of the above. Though I favor friendships with members of the opposite sex, they can become rather sticky–especially if your spouse or partner is not trusting, or you have proven yourself not to be a person worthy of trust. Only you can answer whether your platonic friendships are really “platonic”.
Copyright 2010 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
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Fleeting Pleasures
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Some days I caution my male readers, lest they learn more than they wanted to know about women. Today is not one of those days. This one was written for the girls, but intended for the men. Your mother told you romance wouldn’t last, but she failed to teach you why. So, in the spirit of No Man-Child left behind–I invite you to enter the world of tuition-free education.
For today’s Language Arts lesson, we will brush up on a vocabulary word that many men are still having trouble understanding.
Today’s word is romance.
The English language is filled with words that cause confusion. There, their and they’re cause confusion. Layed and laid trouble many. Laying and lying can really get people in trouble.
[The teacher winks as she tells her class that “laying and lying” will be addressed another day--but for now back to today‘s subject.]
Romance is often confused with it’s closely related counterpart–sex.
Women want romance. Men think they want it too.
Gentlemen! You’ve already demonstrated your confusion, because you mistakenly thought when the woman said she wanted romance, she meant sex.
To clarify: Sex can be romantic and romance can be sexy. However, at no point is sex romance, conversely at no point is romance sex.
The confusion is understandable. Both sex and romance are intimate expressions between two people who are very, very fond of each other–at least in theory. Unfortunately, sometimes romance is used as a kind of currency exchanged for sex and vice verse. (Sort of like that Euros and Francs things, which is also confusing.) There are also times when Euros, francs, and dollars are exchanged for sex, but I digress.
Just as every man wants to feel like a man, every girl, no matter how young or old, wants to be made to feel like a woman.
Here is a simple rule to help you remember what you need to know.
Sex is that which makes a man feel like a man–(Being able to provide for one’s loved ones does this too, but it’s not nearly as enjoyable.)
Romance is that which makes a woman feel like a woman–the kind of woman who is desired.
Still, sex & romance are both are short-lived. Listed below is a list of things emblematic of romance. I have included this so that you might consider the shelf-life of these items. A list of sex comparables is not necessary. You probably have an idea how long those last, though actual results may vary.
Flowers, candle-lit dinners, love songs, kisses, chocolates–each of these things has a very short lifespan.
Flowers die.
Candles burn.
Love songs and kisses are forgotten.
Chocolates disappear. (Know one ever knows what happened to them.)
Expensive dinners end up in unfortunate places–we don’t even want to get into that.
Just like sex, they’re great, but they don’t last. This is why romance is so fleeting. Afterward the only thing left are the memories. There’s the rub. Just as men are not content to remember the last time they had sex, women are not content to remember how sweet the chocolates, they never touched were. Therefore, to insure romance is not lost, romantic gestures must be repeated regularly.
Moving now into the subject of economics: Men fail to see the value of things that don’t last. (Too bad Craftsman doesn’t manufacture the things women really want.) To men, most romantic gestures are too expensive and require an unnatural amount of effort. Gentlemen, I assure you, the time and expense are both good investments.
Take flowers as an example. Men have trouble understanding why they should pay $40 for for something that won’t last a week. Yes, it’s true flowers usually peak just before they start to go limp–not unlike something else, but try to buy $40 dollars of that “something else” and you’ll start to see what an excellent value flowers can be. (Not that anyone’s buying or selling here, I’m just sayin’.) If the flowers are very nice and given with a heartfelt sentiment you might get a better return on that $40 than you’d ever dreamed possible. This is simple economics, not rocket science.
Of course flowers won’t work every time or on every woman. That’s why you have to mix it up. Some good mixers are loving words, twilight walks, sentimental notes, sincere compliments, or being a good listener. After you’ve mastered these, you might move on to picnic-in-a-secluded-place, the honey-I’ve-drawn-you-a-luxurious-bubble-bath, the weekend away or almost anything that surprises or delights. When all else fails, try fine jewelry.
So here’s the take-away lesson. Romance and sex are not the same. You have to make her feel good, if you have any hope of having her make you feel good. If you don’t remember anything else, take note of this: You know how often you want sex? That’s approximately how often we want romance–though like you, we often settle for less.
Review, remember, practice.
Copyright 2010 de blog - Girl Talk for REAL Women
