Posts Tagged ‘romance’
We know the fields of electrical charges able to push and pull similar materials, as magnetism. There are many kinds of magnetism, but the most familiar is the kind seen in common household magnets. Household magnets use ferro-magnetism, but another common type is feral (or animal) magnetism. Whether it be animal magnetism or some other force, some people seem to have a mysterious power to draw others to them.
A friend, who is a couples’ counselor, says no matter how dark or crowded a room, some people will attract each other. It sounds so romantic–the thought of two people being pulled together by some unseen force, but according to this expert on dysfunctional matches, this “pull” is more like the way magnets attract similar metals…as people seeking validation or excitement are drawn to each other. According to him, this is particularly true of certain personality types. They are the “players”, excitement seekers, love chasers, and narcissists. Read the rest of this entry »
Though thousands of words are written, about how to be happy in a relationship, too few are written on how to be less-miserable. No matter how many columns are devoted to telling couples how to get along better, there aren’t nearly enough devoted to the art of not getting along.
Among couples, there are outliers who insist they never fight, but I’ve yet to meet any who exist in perfect harmony. Popular culture would have us believe relationships are mostly tranquil, full of love, sex and romance, with only occasional disruptions.
Hello? Anybody seen the magazines on the checkstand lately?
Even Hollywood’s fairytale romances often fall apart in startling displays of pettiness, scandal and heartbreak. On those rare occasions,when television and movies show relationships breaking apart, it is usually because of some big issue, yet, it is often little things which cause the most problems. Read the rest of this entry »
A friend is one of the nicest things to have, and one of the best things to be. ~ Douglas Pagels
Valentine’s Day has come and gone again. Upon learning Valentine’s Day was being replaced in some school districts by “Friendship Day” and by adults with the alternative Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) I was wondering if romance had finally become politically incorrect. Both sounded as desperately over-reaching as comforting a childless teacher by telling her she’s lucky to have lots of children, or complimenting a fat girl on her pretty face.
Out of context, these new traditions sounded like affirmative action for the forlorn. Lord knows, romance is often over-rated and under-practiced, but the doom of humanity seemed inevitable, if society was ready to raise frowning-eyebrows on this most basic life pursuit. As it turns out, instead of being antithetical to romantic relationships, these celebrations that might actually serve to promote them.
Most of us don’t need a therapist, as much as a friend to be silly with. ~Robert Brault
Friendship Day? I’m all for it. The ability to make and sustain friendships is integral to enjoying others. Without friendship, even the most exciting relationships often fail. Though most of us realize the importance of friendships, we don’t always take the time to develop them. Even though we want our significant other to be our best friend, we act as if friendships are spontaneous occurrences, which develop without being cultivated, but more romances are born out of friendships, than vice verse. If friendships seem easier than romantic relationships, perhaps it is because we approach them differently.
Friendships provide us a context for being comfortable with ourselves. Unlike dating, they are low-pressure. Our earliest playground bonds are built on commonalities, confidences, comaraderie, and companionship–the same things that make for satisfying adult relationships. The tendency to be lured by the external attractions of a potential romantic partner, make all too easy for one to romanticize someone they hardly know, or with whom they have little in common. Sadly, relationships based only on sizzle, usually fizzle. Read the rest of this entry »
Except for the day when Larry Durbin and I shared a Charms Pop at the old Elks Theater, I had never exchanged spit with anyone. In fact, I had successfully managed to avoid being spit on, touching anything that had spit on it, and until that fateful day, all the spit in my mouth was entirely my own. Unknowing innocence, was erased when my first kiss caught me off-guard with a strange mix of delight & repulsion. Sweet Mother of Mouthwash, saliva had suddenly become esoteric and sublime.
Wistfully pondering the strange delight of the kiss, caused my mind to wander back through the kisses filed away in my memory. There were kisses I’d like to forget, kisses not worth remembering, and then there were those kisses which linger as sweetly on the heart, as they once did on the lips.
There is no kiss more memorable than that first awkward, blundering, kiss. The innocent joy of mouth meeting mouth, becomes hugely significant, as what will likely be one of the lesser kisses of our lifetime, becomes one of the greater memories. In that first unfamiliar experience, our senses are awakened to the first of many romantic pleasures.
I am reminded of a terminally-ill family member, who, as she considered the short time ahead, lamented how long it had been since she’d been “properly kissed”, but she was not referring to the proper kiss. She was not referring to that multi-purpose kiss which says, hello, goodbye, and thank you like the “aloha” of cordiality. For as any woman knows, being properly kissed, borders on the improper.
The kiss is intimacy’s most basic act, yet many fail to execute it well. A “kiss & tell” confession, is apt to state whether someone was a good or bad kisser, but who is the Simon Cowell of kissing? By what standards is this judged? This isn’t the kind of question that is answered by Wiki or Ask.com, and surely we wouldn’t all agree on what constitutes good technique. If you’re reading this, it is assumed you are past needing a tutorial on how to kiss, and also assumed you know kisses should be fresh and clean; but perhaps you have yet to realize the most important thing about a kiss is not the way it feels on the lips, but the way it leaves us feeling inside.
A kiss should be spontaneous. Not every kiss is executed with natural ease, but the best kisses are both expected and surprising. In the moments before a kiss, there is a certain pleasure in wondering if a kiss is coming. The unanswered question is usually answered with uncertainty, as one or both bring their faces closer. Sometimes words are spoken, permission is asked or desire stated, but the best kisses require no introduction.
Kisses should be given and received in a way that respects the other person. They should neither stifle, impair nor impose. Wet is good, but sloppy is not. Only after being kissed by large dogs or drooling babies, should one feel compelled to wash their face. The great kiss leaves us wanting more.
A kiss should be focused on the mouth, but not confined to it, employing caresses, as it explores the surrounding areas.
A perfect kiss is urgent but unhurried. It transcends time, causing us to forget about clocks in the moment, and leaving us to remember the moment, when it has passed.
When a man kisses a women he should be in command of her affection, but not attempting to control it. There should be no pretense in a kiss. Only a lesser individual will kiss without sincerity. Kisses should never exploit the affections of another.
The best kisses hint sweetly of what is to come, yet are sufficient by themselves. They are the intimacy of flesh on flesh, mouth-play, and sweet sensations suggestive of more.
A male friend offers his perspective on kissing. Though I have never kissed him, I would venture, he has kissed and been kissed often enough to speak authoritatively. Mae West said, “A man’s kiss is his signature.” Joel, who shares his thoughts here, seems to agree.
I remember the second girl I kissed. Surprisingly, I don’t remember the second kiss. I was more focused on sliding into second base. I was a breast man then, and I’m a breast man now–with regard to quality over quantity.
How silly I was then not to realize kissing is to be enjoyed, not just a pass-through.
I remember the third girl I kissed. Perhaps I owe to her what I know today. Remember looking with her at a photo of us kissing together and she captioned the photo “The River”. Apparently a river, OK, tributary, of saliva would flow from my mouth to her puckered lips. Thinking back to the third, fourth, fifth…to today..I feel I have perfected the kiss, yet am always open to learn more.
Kissing is an art, it tells a lot about someone, and connects you on a different level than prior.
The perfect kiss begins with eye contact, intense eye contact, looking deep into the other person, feeling their energy unite with yours. Looking down at the lips, then back up into their eyes. (No elevator eyes up and down their body, for you already know, or don’t need to know, about the body.)
Closer together the lips come, and I stop, she’s ready for the lips to meet, but I hold off, just for a moment. I take my hand and gently place it on the back of her neck. Slowly, (or sometimes opting for fast n hard, as that can be quite exhilarating!) drawing her closer to me, our lips touch…I pull back, lips apart, draw my hand into her hair and squeeze just enough to hear her moan. With her soft beautiful hair in my fingers I bring our lips together again, this time with more passion. I pull back ever so slightly, place my upper and lower lips around just her upper lip and gently, slowly bite down….and then…well, I can’t reveal everything, now can I?
I’ve been on dates where a bad kiss was all I needed to know I didn’t wish to continue. One’s kiss is personal, tells a lot about the person, and can make or break an encounter.
Joel’s friend Serena shares her perspective:
I used to think of kissing as a prelude to the better “stuff,” or a way to show the other person that everything is alright.
Recently, I’ve had a kissing epiphany with the luck of finding someone who has chemistry with my lips, and myself.
A friend once described a first kiss with her partner with the few words, “It was like time stopped.”
I couldn’t relate. I know what she means now. Haven’t you ever been doing something you enjoyed so much you couldn’t focus on anything but that? A powerful massage, your favorite song played live at a concert? Isn’t it like time is stopping during that moment? That’s what I feel more times than not when I’m kissing a certain someone.
What creates this? Maybe this:
Our eyes connect, and his magnetize to draw me into him uncontrollably. The force is stopped by two soft lips and I can feel his excitement in his motions as he pulls me closer. Sometimes the motion of the lips is fast, sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes playful but in each kiss a perfect connection of two bodies and lips touching and exploring–minds connecting. A kiss is a full body and soul experience.
Indeed, as Serena and Joel remind us the kiss is so more than lip service. It is hands, bodies, minds and souls in optimistic concert.
How long has it been since you’ve been properly kissed?
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Men only want one thing–that‘s the generalization spread by those who would protect all of us guileless females from males of a certain age, the age which begins at puberty and ends sometime after erectile dysfunction. If only it were that simple…. Eventually, men develop complex thought patterns that allow them to begin thinking of and desiring more than one thing–including a disproportionately large number of inanimate things. (Apparently men like things that don’t talk to them, though they will indulge women, children and certain talking electronics devices.)
Men complain of how hard it is to buy gifts for women, but men can be equally difficult to buy for. They generally don’t want the stuff we’d buy them, anymore than we want some of the stuff they bring us. I have long ago stopped buying Beloved Soul Mate clothing, because all those handsome garments in the back of his closet seemed so forlorn.
Men may accuse women of expensive tastes, but most of the things they want are big ticket items like cars, boats, sporting equipment, event tickets or electronics. Fortunately, they also like quite a few things which are within anyone’s price range–such as validation, food and intimacy. If you want to make his Valentine’s Day special for him, go cheap and give him the things he can’t buy.
Unless you are with the wrong man, more than anything else, HE wants to be the man you dream about. He wants to be respected and admired for who he is. It’s so simple, yet, the longer we are in relationship, the more apt we are to neglect communicating our admiration. While you’re reminding him what it is about him you love, remind him why he fell in love with you, by doing your best to be as attractive and charming as you were when he fell for you.
That should be enough to make him putty, but why stop there when you could go for a hat trick. After admiration, there are two other things of which men rarely get enough–food & sex. Since Valentine’s Day is usually a day on which they wine & dine us, why not surprise him by canceling the reservations and letting dinner be on you this year? You can give him a perfectly wonderful hassle-free evening and with the money saved he can buy himself or you something special!
You’re probably thinking it’s too late to throw together a perfect evening, but never was there a more appropriate time to recall that old K.I.S.S. acronym. Remember “Keep it simple sweetheart”?
For our first course, I suggest something green. I like cold steamed asparagus, but broccoli or a even salad out of a bag would be equally nice. Garnish it with bell pepper heart and you’ll look like one of those hotties from The Food Network.
Next, shrimp cocktail–as simple or as complicated as you like. You can buy shrimp, cooked and peeled, so that all you have to do is combine it with your favorite cocktail sauce. Here, I’ve arranged the shrimp in a heart shaped dish then inverted it onto a nice plate. If that’s too much work, arrange shrimp around the rim of an attractive dish or goblet as I’ve done here with this pretty margarita glass.
For the entrée, I suggest a nice juicy steak. The one pictured above n above is a butterflied rib-eye, AKA a Sweetheart Cut Rib Eye steak. Butterfly your own, or ask your butcher to do it for you. Not only is it charming, but it’s meant to be shared, meaning that the meal is already going to be more intimate than what you’d have in a restaurant.
The meal is simple and simply romantic, because it begs for intimate interaction. Pour something nice to drink. Relax and enjoy spending time with your special someone. Another thing men never tire of is the good company and conversation of a woman they love, and what could be more seductive than feeding your love a bit of this or that with your fingers? (Yet another reason to love asparagus.)
Follow this up with something simple like fresh fruit or chocolates arranged on a plate. Afterward you can decide for yourselves what to have for dessert.
That silly day, on which, we make a fuss about romance is less than a week away. If you’re over the age of eight, there’s a good chance it will disappoint you–though my teen son says, he still likes it because someone usually gives him candy. It’s possible I have become jaded, while the rest of the world is still full of hopeless romantics, but I am convinced Valentine’s Day is overrated.
I read up on Valentine’s Day, this left me more confused than before. There seems to be no clear notion of who St. Valentine was or how a “saints” day devolved to our modern day cutesy celebration. Though the holiday commemorates a man, the accoutrements of Valentine’s Day are mostly geared toward women–hearts, flowers–all that pink and red. Seriously, walk down a Valentine’s gift-aisle and ask yourself what respectable man would know how to accept a miniature pink teddy bear–more importantly ask yourself what female over age 17 would want one.
HINT: Guys, when you see the small teddy bears, keep walking, preferably to a different store.
Though most women love romance, Valentine’s Day has an antithetical way of reminding us how romance-deficient our lives are. It is a day when our fate is subject to the whims of the chunky cherub; who seems only to dress for toga parties, our most significant relationships are trivialized through cards, and our sense of worth can be diminished if our significant other fails to convey love. It is the day when we are reminded men don’t understand us nearly as well as we wish they did, nor do they have any realistic notion as to the size or style of lingerie we’d wear.
Only the most Herculean of men will pass the test which requires them to produce a gift which adequately epitomizes their sentiments–yet some compound the challenge, by shopping at Walgreen’s at 4:45 on February 14th. For them, it just another occasion on which their efforts to please will be evaluated, like a midterm exam for lovers.
How you feel about February the 14th, romance and men in general is largely the result of your relationship history. You may be one of those who hates being single or one of those who adores it.
If you are single and hating it, there are two things you can do. First, convince yourself this is the year in which you will meet that special someone who will guarantee next Valentine’s Day won’t be a miserable repeat of this one. That’s a good strategy, but in the meantime, I suggest Wite-Out. Use it to eradicate February 14th from your calendar, then replace the date with February 29th. Since three out of four years, Feb 29th is all but forgotten, it is the perfect “No Date” date.
If you are single with a man in your life, you are in the demographic most likely to enjoy the day–but don’t count on it. The caliber of your current relationship will likely determine the quality of your Valentine’s Day. If you are blissfully and ecstatically happy, you probably don’t care if he gets you anything. Ironically, if you’re that happy, it’s probably because he’s the kind of guy who will manage to produce a perfectly thoughtful token of his love. If so, the most gracious thing you can do is tell your less-happy girlfriends he bought you a new bathmat. There is simply no reason to tell the less-fortunate anything that will make them feel more impoverished.
If you are one in a relationship, with which you are dissatisfied, Valentine’s Day will not redeem the situation. Knowing this, you must lower your expectations–how else will you be able to feign excitement when he presents you with a silk rose from the counter of 7-11 or a teensy red teddy bear?
If you are one of the few who is happy not to be bothered with a man in your life, you are the equivalent of a gifted student, because you have learned how to enjoy life on your own terms whether or not you have the company of a man. If you are in that category, celebrate the realization that your happiness is not contingent on having a man in your life, but don’t go out on Valentine’s Day. (People like you tend to have no trouble attracting men.)
No matter what your status, February 14th is a great day to toast yourself with a glass of bubbly, indulge in extra chocolates or buy yourself flowers!
Some days I caution my male readers, lest they learn more than they wanted to know about women. Today is not one of those days. This one was written for the girls, but intended for the men. Your mother told you romance wouldn’t last, but she failed to teach you why. So, in the spirit of No Man-Child left behind–I invite you to enter the world of tuition-free education.
For today’s Language Arts lesson, we will brush up on a vocabulary word that many men are still having trouble understanding.
Today’s word is romance.
The English language is filled with words that cause confusion. There, their and they’re cause confusion. Layed and laid trouble many. Laying and lying can really get people in trouble.
[The teacher winks as she tells her class that “laying and lying” will be addressed another day--but for now back to today‘s subject.]
Romance is often confused with it’s closely related counterpart–sex.
Women want romance. Men think they want it too.
Gentlemen! You’ve already demonstrated your confusion, because you mistakenly thought when the woman said she wanted romance, she meant sex.
To clarify: Sex can be romantic and romance can be sexy. However, at no point is sex romance, conversely at no point is romance sex.
The confusion is understandable. Both sex and romance are intimate expressions between two people who are very, very fond of each other–at least in theory. Unfortunately, sometimes romance is used as a kind of currency exchanged for sex and vice verse. (Sort of like that Euros and Francs things, which is also confusing.) There are also times when Euros, francs, and dollars are exchanged for sex, but I digress.
Just as every man wants to feel like a man, every girl, no matter how young or old, wants to be made to feel like a woman.
Here is a simple rule to help you remember what you need to know.
Sex is that which makes a man feel like a man–(Being able to provide for one’s loved ones does this too, but it’s not nearly as enjoyable.)
Romance is that which makes a woman feel like a woman–the kind of woman who is desired.
Still, sex & romance are both are short-lived. Listed below is a list of things emblematic of romance. I have included this so that you might consider the shelf-life of these items. A list of sex comparables is not necessary. You probably have an idea how long those last, though actual results may vary.
Flowers, candle-lit dinners, love songs, kisses, chocolates–each of these things has a very short lifespan.
Love songs and kisses are forgotten.
Chocolates disappear. (Know one ever knows what happened to them.)
Expensive dinners end up in unfortunate places–we don’t even want to get into that.
Just like sex, they’re great, but they don’t last. This is why romance is so fleeting. Afterward the only thing left are the memories. There’s the rub. Just as men are not content to remember the last time they had sex, women are not content to remember how sweet the chocolates, they never touched were. Therefore, to insure romance is not lost, romantic gestures must be repeated regularly.
Moving now into the subject of economics: Men fail to see the value of things that don’t last. (Too bad Craftsman doesn’t manufacture the things women really want.) To men, most romantic gestures are too expensive and require an unnatural amount of effort. Gentlemen, I assure you, the time and expense are both good investments.
Take flowers as an example. Men have trouble understanding why they should pay $40 for for something that won’t last a week. Yes, it’s true flowers usually peak just before they start to go limp–not unlike something else, but try to buy $40 dollars of that “something else” and you’ll start to see what an excellent value flowers can be. (Not that anyone’s buying or selling here, I’m just sayin’.) If the flowers are very nice and given with a heartfelt sentiment you might get a better return on that $40 than you’d ever dreamed possible. This is simple economics, not rocket science.
Of course flowers won’t work every time or on every woman. That’s why you have to mix it up. Some good mixers are loving words, twilight walks, sentimental notes, sincere compliments, or being a good listener. After you’ve mastered these, you might move on to picnic-in-a-secluded-place, the honey-I’ve-drawn-you-a-luxurious-bubble-bath, the weekend away or almost anything that surprises or delights. When all else fails, try fine jewelry.
So here’s the take-away lesson. Romance and sex are not the same. You have to make her feel good, if you have any hope of having her make you feel good. If you don’t remember anything else, take note of this: You know how often you want sex? That’s approximately how often we want romance–though like you, we often settle for less.
Review, remember, practice.
Does everyone have a soul mate?
Is there only one?
Are there more than one? Are there many?
How can you know if you’ve really found yours?
Is it possible to miss yours?
Is it possible to get someone else’s?
Questions like this aren’t everyone’s cup of philosophical drivel, but inherent in the idea of the “soul mate” are all kinds of cosmic implications–which are intertwined with one’s beliefs. In my own values set; theology, family and sexuality are all very important, so the questions and answers overlap.
For those who believe that God knows all before it happens, there is no other reality than the one we ultimately end up living. However, according to Christian theology we are all self-governing creatures guided by our own self will–so if we choose the wrong person with whom to procreate, are the wrong children born?
If we choose the wrong person does God re-route us like some kind of Divine GPS–or are we on the wrong path forever after?
We make choices–including choosing a life partner. As our lives progress, we later have time to consider the choices we made, and the ones we didn’t make; causing us to consider what those choices might have meant.
How the interface between God the Omniscient and the rest of us hapless saps works is very mysterious–making the question of whether or not we have a predetermined life partner even more incomprehensible. Is this a “one-per-person” kind of deal? If so, then choosing the wrong life partner could mean you’ve doomed someone else to a life of misery with the wrong person.
Most of us dream of finding our true soul mate. Either vaguely and/or unconsciously we ask ourselves these questions. Having a single soul mate suggests that the cosmos wants us all to be happily monogamous. Women usually embrace monogamy a little easier than men. For many men, the thought of ONE woman forever and ever is hard to embrace–causing them to drag their feet whenever they get anywhere near the altar.
Theoretically, if you’ve found YOUR soul mate, a perfect marriage should be assured. Perfect marriage? What’s that? I’d sooner believe I’d meet the real Santa.
Easy marriages are more the exception than the rule, so when marriage challenges us, we may begin to wonder if we married the wrong person.. Hmmm. Is it possible you married your cousin’s soul mate or your neighbor’s?
This is the kind of stuff you don’t want to spend to much time thinking about–or pretty soon you‘ll be writing plots for the next version of the Twilight Zone. I know this because I’ve given this too much thought. As a result, I’ve come to some conclusions that are based on absolutely nothing of substance–which is one of the best parts of having a blog, people are actually willing to read the skewed stuff that falls out of my head.
That aside, here’s what I’ve concluded: It is unlikely that we each have only one soul mate. When we marry most of us are convinced there is one and that it happens to be the fancy-dressed person standing next to us. Perhaps some marry thinking “This person is so wrong for me”, but I wasn’t invited to that wedding.
If there is only one, that’s really tough. It’s a big world out there, and you could spend your entire life trying to sift through the chaff and/or chappies to find that person. God help you if your single perfect match happens to be living in Jabootie, or one of those God-forsaken little Texas towns.
I prefer to believe that the number of possible soul mates is related to one’s ability to love. Anytime you decide to commit to one person, there is a hell of a lot of failed humanity to embrace. If you are a person with a great capacity to love you may have many possible soul mates. A large, generous and gracious heart makes it much easier to connect intimately with another individual. However, loving someone is never enough–if it were, there would be far less sad songs on the radio.
Finding someone you can fall in love with is the easy part–the harder part is finding someone who can truly love you.
So with apologies to Carl Sagan, I think it’s doubtful that the number of soul mates is determined by the cosmos. I’m pretty sure it’s all about us.