Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

My dog likes company.  I don’t know if he actually likes me, but he is happier when he’s near me. It can be a bother to have him constantly underfoot or wanting to ride shotgun on every errand, but I indulge him.  I could be flattered by his attachment, but I don’t trust the  judgment of a creature who is into butt-sniffing and pig ears. His affection isn’t personal, he’s a dog.  It is his nature to be a social animal, by default I am puppy posse.

Humans are social creatures too. It is our nature to crave contact with others or at least assurance we are not alone. How much contact we need or want, varies greatly from  person-to-person, but we are happier and healthier when we have people in our lives. Within each of us is the desire to be known and accepted.

The huge growth in popularity of Facebook is evidence of peoples’ desire to reach out to others.  The social media networks, provide a convenient and accessible way for us to stay in contact with people we may not regularly see.  Facebook is trending now, but people have always tried to stay connected.  Long before e-mail and txt messaging, people kept contact with the less efficient modes of letters, telegraph and the wired telephone.

Online interactions offer a relatively low-risk social outlet.  This is certainly one of the reasons many have greater ease with on-line dating or romance. Because cyber-communities, like MySpace and Facebook, make it easy to handcraft an image, children are warned about how people can misrepresent themselves as someone other than who they are. While this may be true of those who have ill motives, it doesn’t seem to be true of the rest of us.  Though most people go to some trouble to protect their online privacy, we are surprisingly overt in disclosing the details of our private lives.

How we feel about our self, determines how much, and what we want others to know of us.  Our degree of social comfort depends on our level of self-esteem, whether we are introvert or extrovert, and the degree of safety or anonymity. In online forums where we are not personally known, we may be less guarded and/or less honest, but on forums like Facebook, friends & family should serve to keep us more accountable. But the risk of raised eyebrows from those who know us best, is not enough to deter individuals from declaring their thoughts, feelings or likes and dislikes.

Social scientist, Sam Gosling has made a study of the ways in which people inadvertently show  their personalities.  His book “Snoop” is an examination of how people unintentionally show their traits.  Whether or not it is orchestrated, it seems people are prone to advertising who they are.  From the rooms we live in, to the music we listen to, we are constantly leaving clues to our personality.  One of the surprising things he discovered, was the accuracy of online profiles as a representation of the personality of that created them–suggesting again our desire to be known.

The personality we present to the world is a composite pulled from the mix of what we want the world to see and what we’d prefer to hide.  It is a tricky act to balance our desire to be known as we are, with our desire to be liked and accepted.  Though we may try to hide things we believe will bring about rejection, our efforts aren’t always successful.  Perhaps you have known someone who revealed a secret such as sexual orientation, an addiction, or some skeleton from the past, only to learn people weren’t very surprised by the revelation.

No matter what our social station or our esteem level, everyone of us is vulnerable to loneliness and rejection, yet it is impossible for people to get to know us if we keep our personalities hidden.  If we truly want others to get to know us, we have to face the vulnerability of showing ourselves.  It is a big risk, but necessary, if like my dog you’d prefer not to be alone.

In a perfect world, men & women would always be in sync.  There are disparities of emotion, outlook and of course libido.  While the difference in sex drive may be the punch line of many a joke, it is not a laughing matter when couples cannot connect physically. Anyone who has been a long relationship, will tell you wet seasons are often followed by drought.  It is always assumed that men think of sex more frequently than women, the truth is we just think different thoughts.  I suggested in an earlier post that women’s desire is influenced by her feelings toward her partner.  Women have little trouble mustering desire under the right circumstances.

A fundamental problem is the sexicon–that’s my term for the lexicon we each use to communicate our sexual desire.  Some keep their sexual communication as prim & proper as Victorian maidens, others prefer to be bolder.  How we communicate is not nearly as important as whether or not we are clearly understood.  When we don’t know how to interpret the sexual messages of our partner, problems are inevitable.  For this reason everyone needs an effective way to decipher messages received.

Women include more details in their definitions and descriptions of everything.  Whereas a man’s definition of sex is relatively simple, a woman’s includes details–many, many details.  The man thinks about sex and his desire is fueled.  A women thinks about sex, and she’s hoping that someone will fuel her desire.  She wants to experience that which will leave her blissfully lost in the arms of her lover.

So a guy says something pathetic like, “Hey baby, come here.”
He hopes that’s irresistible, but without a sexicon translator, she hears,  “Come girl.  Stay.”

Most women are not desperate enough for a treat, for such an unimaginative approach to cause them to rollover. Therefore, the seduction fails and the man is rebuffed.  In his sexicon it’s rejection–a  reason to sulk, slink away, or retreat; reluctant to try again.

For men, there are only two answers to the question, which translates as “Do ya wanna do it?” To women there are many possible answers–each with nuances that are likely to be misinterpreted by men.

A partial list or female responses might include:

Mmmmmm.
Now?
I’ve been thinking of you all day, let’s skip dinner.
I can’t get naked, I feel fat.
Sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
The drool on my pillow means I need sleep.
Is that motor oil I smell?
Did you have salami for lunch?
Those jeans make you look amazing.
Those jeans make you look like your AARP card has expired.
It’s too cold.
It’s too hot.
Did you lose your razor?
Has your gym membership lapsed?
Your ex- called again.  Please don’t touch me.
Your dog chewed my Pradas.  Please don’t touch me.
I don’t have a headache, but I will if you don’t shower.
I wanted you yesterday.
You are amazing.
YOU ARE HOT.
YOU ARE A JERK.

All reasonable responses, but all subject to misinterpretation.  Remember when Nancy Reagan just said no?  There was no room for misinterpretation, but Ronnie still heard, “She wants me!”

Enter the lotus lamp–an exotic little something I picked up.  It’s not magic, but it’s mechanical. Since men don’t find gadgets nearly as vexing or confusing as they find women, it’s the perfect sexicon decoder.  The simple mechanism allows it to be adjusted from closed blossom to fully open flower–perfect for communicating one’s openness for sex.

Opened just a little suggests possibilities exist.
Opened wider conveys greater enthusiasm.
Wide open with a candle, suggests hot desire.
Need your space, close it snug.
He’s a jerk?  Secure it with duct tape.
He slept with you sister?  Weld the thing shut.

It  may appear to be nothing more than just an attractive tchotchke on the nightstand, but I see it as the perfect translator for the sexicon–like a thesaurus, only simpler.

When women begin dating, they are often more clever than the men they go out with.  Like golfers with a handicap, at least at the beginning, gals start with an advantage, because most have had practice getting what they want from “Daddy”.  For this reason, young women usually have an idea of how to get guys to do their bidding.  Alas, eventually boys become men, who aren’t as keen on being made to jump through hoops like trained ponies.  Nevertheless, many women continue to manipulate men and/or the others in their lives.  Unfortunately, this kind of emotional blackmail comes with a price for both parties.

Manipulators get results, but not always those desired.  The relationship becomes the product of a plan, instead of the heart.  Using guerilla tactics in a relationships is a sure way to sabotage them.  If we want to have sound relationships, we have to be honest not only with our partner, but also with our self.  Tactics like manipulation, insincerity or dishonesty will bring about resentments, because they cause the other partner to feel used or disrespected.   Whether we are the cause of or the keeper of resentments, they are relationship killers, because they diminish the value of the individual.

Thinking about this, reminded me of Lewis Carroll’s, Alice in Wonderland, who stumbles into an unfamiliar setting and  drinks a potion which makes her smaller.  The author  doesn’t indicate what the potion is, but my guess it was something like bitterness, because nothing will make a girl smaller.   As a smaller version of herself, Alice finds herself trying, in vain, to swim out of a pool of her own tears.  She has become too small to escape her own situation.

Bitterness & resentment can be addictive. Like psychedelic drugs, they provide a distorted perception of reality.  They provide a convenient way to check out of relationships, or situations that have caused us discomfort in the past.  They provide endless excuses to escape real life, for ongoing wound-licking appointments.  Resentments allow us to blame others for our own failings, and give us an excuse not to take responsibility for our own actions.

In the Lewis Carroll story, when Alice realizes she had become too small to do what she wants, she wishes to grow.  But not everyone is like Alice, some are content to settle into small-mindedness, holding on to the past and refusing to move forward.  It is impossible to grow if we are not honest with our self.  Letting go of bitterness is neither easy, nor comfortable. When Alice found being small didn’t suit her, she ate a cake that allowed her to grow.  As soon as she began to grow, she realized she had become too large for the small space she’d previously occupied.

Everyday we make choices that determine how small or large our lives will be.  Holding on to resentments will make you too small to live a full life.  To have honesty in our relationships, we must first be honest with ourselves, especially in regards to our own resentments or the ones we cause in others.  Letting go of the past, requires a forgiving spirit, but outgrowing resentment is a big step toward living large.

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
A woman walks into a bar.  A good-looking guy throws a line at her, and asks if he can buy her a drink…she thinks  he’s cute.  A short time later, she’s giving him her phone number.  Several months later the woman is  asking, “Why does it take so long to realize we’re with the wrong person?”

I hope you weren’t waiting for a punch-line, because the only clever line in this story is the one he used to make her believe she’d found Mr. Right.

Her question is supposed to be rhetorical, but I can’t dismiss it.  Why is that people fall in love, ride the big kahuna of emotions, only to eventually wake up disillusioned???

There can be many reasons, but one is the haphazard manner in which we date.     We use less discretion looking for Mr. Right, than buying milk.  There are lots of different kinds of milk in the store, fat milk, skinny milk, chocolate milk, buttermilk.  Milk is milk, unless you have an aversion to milk from goats, milk from soybeans or milk full of hormones.  When we go out for milk, we have a specific kind in mind.

It was love at first sight.  I should have looked twice.

Love at first sight is the ultimate in romantic fantasy and foolishness.  We screen eligible candidates with our eyes, only the attractive make the cut.  If they look good enough, we give them a chance.  We make small talk, realize they are friendly, clever, smart or witty, and agree to see them again.  It makes no sense.

Imagine the bar scene where a woman walks up to a table of well-dressed men and begins asking them questions like:

How do you feel about divorced women with nearly grown children?
Why did your wife divorce you?
Are you reliable?
How long have you held your current job?
What do you believe in?
Do you have a history of infidelity?
Substance abuse or alcoholism?
Trouble getting along with others?
Mental illness?
Bad credit?
A police record?
Do you always tell the truth?

Can you provide a list of references?

As they answer the questions, one-by-one they are eliminated, leaving only those who meet our criteria.   This would be a sensible approach to finding Mr. Right, but we’d never go for it, because eventually the only one left would be a less-attractive guy with a sincere smile.  We’d figure it was a wrong result, and continue to look for an attractive person for whom we would instantly fall deeply.

Love at first sight isn’t unrealistic, it happens all the time.  We meet someone, fall for them, and realize later, we fell for them before we had any idea who we’d fallen for.  Only after we become involved in the less idyllic details of each others’ lives, are true character and personality revealed.  By then we are often so emotionally-invested, we stick around to protect our investment.

Here’s the problem.  We know what we want in a vague way and we want to believe it‘s there, even when we know better.  Along the way, we overlook small clues and make allowances for things we really don’t like.

Consider my friend who had found a wonderful guy. He had everything.  He was an attractive successful lawyer.  He was a great catch, but she wasn’t happy.  His preoccupation with his cases, often made him unavailable or short-tempered.  Whenever he was grumpy, he’d use his work load as an excuse.  It seemed like a reasonable explanation.  She overlooked what she didn’t like, because she SO wanted him to be Mr. Right.  It took more than two years for her to realize it wasn’t his case-load, it was his personality. She knew she wanted an attractive man, someone smart, someone with a good career,  someone with whom she would have a stable future.  Her very-eligible bachelor offered everything she wanted, except good company.

A pleasant personality should have been her first priority, but wanting “it” to work caused her to overlook the obvious.  She had left a few important things off her shopping list.  Having a detailed list may seem unromantic, but looking for a partner is certainly more important than buying groceries.   You think you know exactly what you’re after, just as Beloved Soul Mate does when he goes to the grocery store for me.  Experience has taught us both, he is more successful with a list that doesn’t allow for interpretation.  Unless you see no difference between buttermilk and chocolate milk, you need a list that is specific.

Instead of general ideas, think about the specific traits and qualities that you need to make a long-term relationship a success.  If you are looking to marry, then why would you waste time with someone who isn’t likely to propose.  If you like to travel, why would you date someone who can’t afford to travel with you?   If spending time with your family is important, you have to disqualify anyone who doesn’t genuinely like hanging out with the people you value.  It may seem cold and calculating, but sitting down to make a list of things you want and need from your next relationship, could keep you from bringing home the wrong thing.

Infidelity is infidelity…but there is the kind of infidelity that is about sex, and the other kind.  Though most infidelity has a sexual component, it is often SO NOT about sex.

Infidelity comes in many forms, like the  inappropriate friendship, the one-night stand, or the full-blown affair.
To most the breach of monogamy is defined physically, but  it is emotional component of  infidelity which poses the greatest threat.

I see it differently than most women, but here’s my take.  The least significant act of infidelity is the one-night stand.  It is often, as unintended as a hiccup.  Anyone can be vulnerable to the sexual attraction of another and wake up the morning-after with clear-headed remorse.  Nobody wants to find out that their partner has spent the night in the arms of someone else, but as infidelity goes, this is rarely reason enough to trash an otherwise sound relationship.  However, this is only true if the one-night stand is a single incident.  A series of one-night-stands is the behavior of a person who is probably incapable of being faithful.

I can already hear the thoughts of those who would ask, “But what about the sanctity of marriage?”
Sanctity???? How about sanity????   Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but even among the most sanctimonious and devoutly religious many marriages fall short of sanctity.  Fidelity is meaningless if our relationship becomes hostile or cruel.  If our relationships are not loving, it hardly matters if we are faithful.

The second most damaging kind of infidelity is the affair.  The affair is different from the one-night-stand, because it is ongoing.  It is an intentional undercover relationship.  A longer affair is not necessarily indicative of deeper emotions, because once in an affair, it can be difficult to get out.  The sexual and emotional satisfaction are satisfying and addictive.  Though affairs are fueled by sexual desire, they are driven by emotional need.

Upon discovering that one’s partner has become involved with someone else, there is a myriad of confusing emotions and daunting questions.  Answering those questions is often destructive, but understanding the answers can be helpful.

My advice to anyone who discovers infidelity is to skip the obvious questions, because the answers will only cause more emotional upheaval.  If you wish to restore the relationship, focus on the questions that are helpful.  Any good investigative journalist knows the first question is always, “Who?”.  Knowing who will satisfy curiosity, but knowing is rarely positive.    Where and when are also NOT very helpful.

“Who” is not helpful, because it shifts the focus and blame to the wrong person.  The other woman/man is not the only culpable party.  Despite this, women can become very hung-up on the “who” causing a toxic cocktail of emotions, which will ultimately compound the issue.  The betrayed woman will compare herself to and try to compete with the other woman.  She will ask what the other women had that she didn’t.  The question can be answered without being asked, because the  answer is almost always the same.

She had one thing.  It wasn’t her face, her hair, the outrageous body, sexual talent or anything else.  She had the magical ability to make your partner believe he could be happier with someone else.  Whether she was short, tall, fat, skinny, blonde, brunette or redhead; she was Tinkerbell.  She opened the door that allowed him to fly out your bedroom window.  That’s all.

You cannot compete with Tinkerbell.  She is fantasy.  You are real.  Your real life is full of real issues and real annoyances that will cause tensions between you and your spouse.  Her real life is tidily separate from his, allowing them both to exist, for a season, in a place about as real as Never-Neverland.

The only question worth answering is “Why?”  Why was he willing to turn his back on a marriage and risk ruining your life?  This is another easily answered question.  It was because within the other relationship his emotional needs were met.  As it turns out, the sex is a bonus.  Somehow she was able to make him feel contentment, self-worth and an emotional connection–like the one you once shared with him.

It is SO NOT about the sex.  It is almost always about a commonality, being understood and feeling a connection.  Real life has a way of battering and bruising connections, especially in a long relationship.  Once damaged, they can be hard to heal.  This is why ultimately, an  intimate friendship is more dangerous than a sexual liason.

Upon being discovered, the question of whether or not they slept together is usually THE biggie.  It is painful to think of one’s partner with someone else, but if he says they never slept together, don’t breathe a big sigh of relief.   Even if he’s telling the truth, whether or not they slept together is almost irrelevant, because it is SO NOT about the sex.   The heady emotion of feeling cared for or understood is more seductive than the most beautiful woman.   If he felt that he was misunderstood or not cared for, the only question that needs to be answered is why.

·

The Container Store–it’s a big store that sells stuff to put things in.  I don’t know that women really go so gaga for containers, but The Container Store has made MILLIONS selling them, because as keepers of the home, women are expected to keep the house neat and there is a notion containers promote order.

I know of no scientific evidence to suggest women are more tidy or orderly than men; and in many cases, the opposite is true.  Being neat is no more natural, than always smelling good (another thing men have come to expect of women).  Nevertheless, even working women are supposed to be able to keep an organized home.

Men like order. They not only like it, they need it. Therefore,  it should come as no surprise that the founders of  The Container Store, were men, as were many of the organizing gurus who convinced us containers were the secret to having an organized life.

And the point is?

Continuing on from the last post re: why men make strong women weak, I want to address a thing that continues to fill even the strongest woman with insecurities.  It is the age-old problem of when he doesn’t call (though this theme has many variations).

At any age, women wonder what’s going one when “he” doesn’t call, text, write . . et cetera.  When her brain is preoccupied with thoughts of someone special, not hearing from that special someone will quickly fill her mind with questions.

Did I do something wrong?  (I knew I should have worn the other dress.)

Was he maimed in a terrible accident?  (Maybe there was a train derailment, a freak water cooler explosion.  Maybe he was attacked by suburban feral cats.)

Has he lost interest?

Is there someone else?

When he hasn’t called it’s because he isn’t thinking of you!   There are only two reasons for this.  Obviously, the first is  he doesn’t care.   Assuming you can reasonably eliminate that first reason, the second is a perfectly sound justification for what may seem like insensitivity or nonchalance.

It’s the damn containers.  Men’s heads are a small-scale version of The Container Store.   Their brains are arranged just like that emporium of baskets & bins.  There is a department for Office Stuff–the things they think about at work.  There is a place for Outdoor Stuff, things like sports, motorcycles and boats.  There is a place for miscellaneous Home Stuff, like the wife and kids–including a large section devoted to Bedroom Stuff.  Each of these sections is full of small compartments and containers, by which they keep their heads organized.  Despite the fact that they can’t find their socks or organize the stuff around them, within the confines of their own world, they have everything neatly compartmentalized–including you!

Men don’t function well with too many things bombarding them.  They tend to function best, when they can be singularly focused.  If they are thinking about work, they are probably not thinking about you.  If they are thinking about football, they are probably not thinking about you.  If they are watching a movie, they are probably not thinking about you.

When they are operating in the compartment full of work stuff, they are not thinking about who needs a ride from soccer practice, or picking up the shirts at the cleaners.  It is the reason they forget birthdays and anniversaries, it is the reason they won’t remember anything you said during the 4th quarter, it is the reason they go days without calling.

When they justify behaviors which seem uncaring to us, by saying they had other things on their minds, it sounds like a lame rationalization, but unfortunately it’s true.    A woman can be concentrating on a dozen things, and performing more than one task, but it is unlikely she will stop thinking about the people she cares about.   (Remember, they are simpler creatures than we are.)

If only The Container Store sold something in which women could store their fondness until it were convenient.

Q.  What’s a woman’s favorite position?
A.  C.E.O.

A woman’s place is in the kitchen, unless we don’t want it to be. Fortunately, women are no longer confined to the home, we have many choices.  It is no small thing that each day women leave their homes, proving  they are every bit as qualified as men to run companies, research and develop things, build things, grow things or make their mark on the world in whatever way they wish.  Women have broken barriers to become leaders in fields once exclusive to men. There has never been a better time or place to be a woman.  Today women have countless venues in which to demonstrate their capabilities and competence.

Though many women still choose home over career, there is no place a woman cannot succeed, whether it be managing millions for a corporation, training men to do their jobs, or making a roomful of rambunctious children as quiet as a library.  We may have different strengths than our male counterparts, but we are every bit as capable.  This is why, it still amazes me to see women of extraordinary competency being rendered powerless by men.

They are such simple creatures.  Compared to single-cell organisms, like say a paramecium, they are complex, but compared to females, they are simple.  Simple creatures with the ability to confuse us, infuriate us and neutralize us.

Once upon a time, women got married.  The end.

That was then.  Times have changed and many women begin “Dating: The Sequel” a few decades past Sweet Sixteen.  With 20 or so years of  things learned, life experienced and all the wisdom that provides, one would think females should be better equipped than ever to succeed in their relationships.  Ironically, men are still able to make even the  most competent and powerful women weak.

A women may be able to go head-to-head with any man professionally, yet a man she desires can quickly turn her into jelly on legs.   I remember an a female friend who was a published author, scholar and professor at a good university.  Lamenting her romantic foibles, she said, “As a professional, I’m holding a royal flush, but my personal life is still a crap-shoot.”  Even she realized the dichotomy of being able to take charge in everything but her love life.

Why is it that the woman who can convince venture capitalists to give millions, has trouble convincing a single individual to give his heart?  Why does a woman attorney too powerful to wait on anyone, agonize as she waits for “him” to call, or a woman exec, making enough $ to afford her own driver, can’t keep a man from driving her crazy?

On the one hand, we owe everything to “feminism” for changing the rules that once held us back, on the other hand, feminism hasn’t changed our gender.  We are still women–the same as always, with tender and vulnerable hearts.   They are still men.  They still make us crazy.  We still need them.

They hold power over us, because deep inside of each of us is the need to connect.  We crave the intimacy of a loving relationship with another human being.  We still need them, we still want them.  Next time, I will address one reason men can make a woman cry herself to sleep, and not even have a clue why.

Men only want one thing–that‘s the generalization spread by those who would protect all of us guileless females from males of a certain age, the age which begins at puberty and ends sometime after erectile dysfunction.  If only it were that simple…. Eventually, men develop complex thought patterns that allow them to begin thinking of and desiring more than one thing–including a disproportionately large number of inanimate things.  (Apparently men like things that don’t talk to them, though they will indulge women, children and certain talking electronics devices.)

Men complain of how hard it is to buy gifts for women, but men can be equally difficult to buy for.  They generally don’t want the stuff we’d buy them, anymore than we want some of the stuff they bring us.  I have long ago stopped buying Beloved Soul Mate clothing, because all those handsome garments in the back of his closet seemed so forlorn.

Men may accuse women of expensive tastes, but most of the things they want are big ticket items like cars, boats, sporting equipment, event tickets or electronics.  Fortunately, they also like quite a few things which are within anyone’s price range–such as validation, food and intimacy.  If you want to make his Valentine’s Day special for him, go cheap and give him the things he can’t buy.

Unless you are with the wrong man, more than anything else, HE wants to be the man you dream about.  He wants to be respected and admired for who he is.  It’s so simple, yet, the longer we are in relationship, the  more apt we are to neglect communicating our admiration.  While you’re reminding him what it is about him you love, remind him why he fell in love with you, by doing your best to be as attractive and charming as you were when he fell for you.

That should be enough to make him putty, but why stop there when  you could go for a hat trick.  After admiration, there are two other things of which men rarely get enough–food & sex.  Since Valentine’s Day is usually a day on which they wine & dine us, why not surprise him by canceling the reservations and letting dinner be on you this year?  You can give him a perfectly wonderful hassle-free evening and with the money saved he can buy himself or you something special!

You’re probably thinking it’s too late to throw together a perfect evening, but never was there a more appropriate time to recall that old K.I.S.S. acronym.    Remember “Keep it simple sweetheart”?

For our first course, I suggest something green.  I like cold steamed asparagus, but broccoli or a even salad out of a bag would be equally nice.  Garnish it with bell pepper heart and you’ll look like one of those hotties from The Food Network.

Next, shrimp cocktail–as simple or as complicated as you like.  You can buy shrimp, cooked and peeled, so that all you have to do is combine it with your favorite cocktail sauce.  Here, I’ve arranged the shrimp in a heart shaped dish then inverted it onto a nice plate.  If that’s too much work, arrange shrimp around the rim of an attractive dish or goblet as I’ve done here with this pretty margarita glass.

For the entrée, I suggest a nice juicy steak.  The one pictured above n above is a butterflied rib-eye, AKA a Sweetheart Cut Rib Eye steak.  Butterfly your own, or ask your butcher to do it for you.  Not only is it charming, but it’s meant to be shared, meaning that the meal is already going to be more intimate than what you’d have in a restaurant.

The meal is simple and simply romantic, because it begs for intimate interaction.  Pour something nice to drink.  Relax and enjoy spending time with your special someone.  Another thing men never tire of is the good company and conversation of a woman they love, and what could be more seductive than feeding your love a bit of this or that with your fingers?   (Yet another reason to love asparagus.)

Follow this up with something simple like fresh fruit or chocolates arranged on a plate.  Afterward you can decide for yourselves what to have for dessert.

That silly day, on which, we make a fuss about romance is less than a week away.  If you’re over the age of eight, there’s a good chance it will disappoint you–though my teen son says, he still likes it because someone usually gives him candy.   It’s possible I have become jaded, while  the rest of the world is still full of hopeless romantics, but I am convinced Valentine’s Day is overrated.

I read up on Valentine’s Day, this left me more confused than before.  There seems to be no clear notion of who St. Valentine was or how a “saints” day devolved to our modern day cutesy celebration.  Though the holiday commemorates a man, the accoutrements of Valentine’s Day are mostly geared toward women–hearts, flowers–all that pink and red.  Seriously, walk down a Valentine’s gift-aisle and ask yourself what respectable man would know how to accept a miniature pink teddy bear–more importantly ask yourself what female over age 17 would want one.

HINT:  Guys, when you see the small teddy bears, keep walking, preferably to a different store.

Though most women love romance, Valentine’s Day has an antithetical way of reminding us how romance-deficient our lives are.  It is a day when our fate is subject to the whims of the chunky cherub; who seems only to dress for toga parties, our most significant relationships are trivialized through cards, and our sense of worth can be diminished if our significant other fails to convey love.  It is the day when we are reminded men don’t understand us nearly as well as we wish they did, nor do they have any realistic notion as to the size or style of lingerie we’d wear.

Only the most Herculean of men will pass the test which requires them to produce a gift which adequately epitomizes their sentiments–yet some compound the challenge, by shopping at Walgreen’s at 4:45 on February 14th.  For them, it just another occasion on which their efforts to please will be evaluated, like a midterm exam for lovers.

How you feel about February the 14th, romance and men in general is largely the result of your relationship history.  You may be one of those who hates being single or one of those who adores it.

If you are single and hating it, there are two things you can do.  First, convince yourself this is the year in which you will meet that special someone who will guarantee next Valentine’s Day won’t be a miserable repeat of this one.  That’s a good strategy, but in the meantime, I suggest Wite-Out.  Use it to eradicate February 14th from your calendar, then replace the date with February 29th.  Since three out of four years, Feb 29th is all but forgotten, it is the perfect “No Date” date.

If you are single with a man in your life, you are in the demographic most likely to enjoy the day–but don’t count on it.  The caliber of your current relationship will likely determine the quality of your Valentine’s Day.  If you are blissfully and ecstatically happy, you probably don’t care if he gets you anything.  Ironically, if you’re that happy, it’s probably because he’s the kind of guy who will manage to produce a perfectly thoughtful token of his love.  If so, the most gracious thing you can do is tell your less-happy girlfriends he bought you a new bathmat.  There is simply no reason to tell the less-fortunate anything that will make them feel more impoverished.

If you are one in a relationship, with which you are dissatisfied, Valentine’s Day will not redeem the situation.  Knowing this, you must lower your expectations–how else will you be able to feign excitement when he presents you with a silk rose from the counter of 7-11 or a teensy red teddy bear?

If you are one of the few who is happy not to be bothered with a man in your life, you are the equivalent of a gifted student, because you have learned how to enjoy life on your own terms whether or not you have the company of a man.  If you are in that category, celebrate the realization that your happiness is not contingent on having a man in your life, but don’t go out on Valentine’s Day.  (People like you tend to have no trouble attracting men.)

No matter what your status, February 14th is a great day to toast yourself with a glass of bubbly,  indulge in extra chocolates or buy yourself flowers!