Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Less than a century ago, women in The United States hadn’t yet been granted the right to vote.  Though it was allowed in some states, it wasn’t until 1920, when the constitution was amended, that women were guaranteed this right.  Without the ability to voice their viewpoints via the voting booth, perhaps our country would be different today.  I shudder to think of the improbable possibilities for laws [bad] men might have tried to pass.  Would there be a Barefoot & Pregnant mandate?  A Mall Prohibition Act?  Failure to Chill Beer ordinance? Tax deductions for men who wished to claim both their wife and mistress as dependents?

Fortunately, women have made amazing strides and this  country is one of the better places in the world to be female.  Despite this, women still struggle, because there are some things even progress can’t change.  It is possible to update our wardrobes, refurbish our furniture, restore old cars, or remodel old homes, but men are always AS-IS.

Which is why, while most of us like having a man in our lives, finding one that doesn’t make us crazy or worse, can be near impossible.  Lest people mistake this for a diatribe from a man-hater, I wish to assure readers that I am a BIG fan of men.  Women are almost always more and better company, but I still find the company of men irresistible.  I especially like them, because they are different than women, but the more manly they are, the stronger the urge to change them.  It’s like this:

I want a man who works hard enough to sweat, but I’d prefer not smell the sweat.
I want a man who knows how to use a gun if he needs to, but dislike men who need to remind others they know how to use a gun.
I want a man who can and will fight, but not a man who wants to fight.
I want a man who shows skill in the bedroom, but I’d be really turned on, if he were as eager to show off his kitchen skills.
I would like it if my man looked like one of those attractive gay models, but if I were to find out he was gay, I doubt I’d still find him attractive.

Men think women are hard to please, but it’s actually quite simple.  We want manly men, who are sensitive, soft, gentle, and sweet, like women.

Women like me, have succeeded in confusing men.  Are they supposed to be he-men or metrosexuals?  Are they supposed to open doors for us, or just leave us a key?  It’s all about balance, as we struggle to eliminate the confusion over who wears the pants and who wears the panties.

Blame feminism, because as women gained more equality in the workplace, they sought more at home.  Women were changing, and in the process they were inadvertently changing men.   This made me wonder if more powerful women, meant less powerful men.  Was the Great American male becoming an endangered species, teetering on extinction after having been emasculated by well-meaning feminists?  Had The Great American man become as frail as the California Coastal Sand Gnat, struggling to survive in the face of environmental change?

Women would love it if men were more like girlfriends, sharing their enthusiasm for things like cashmere and Italian shoes.  If we had our way, men would learn to enjoy long meandering conversations and realize the joy of shopping, but while there have always been women who wanted men who were as easily controlled as children, the majority of us still want a man with a nicely defined backbone.  There are men who enjoy shopping or grooming as much as women, but most men are simply not interested, because despite everything, they are still men.

Nevertheless, the metrosexual is often exhibited as evidence that men are becoming feminized.   I’m not buying it.  It’s just the latest incarnation of “The Sharp Dressed Man.” It’s not like men don’t care about their image, but image is different things to different men.  For some image is grooming, for others it may be a car, a fat paycheck or a perfectly manicured lawn.  The term metrosexual may be new, but his type is not.  A hundred years ago, a man who embraced fashion and a refined lifestyle, would have been called a dandy.

Some argue that feminism has diminished our respect or the strength of American men.  Many point to the examples of television fathers–like the difference between Ozzie Nelson and Ozzie Osbourne as evidence, that our view of men has been diminished.  The  media often portrays men as bumbling incompetents, relying on women to guide them, but this is nothing new.  Literature is full of hapless henpecked husbands.  Even during The Golden Age of Radio and early television men were often the brunt of jokes.  It makes for good comedy, and men are surprisingly good sports about jokes made at their expense.  Make fun of a woman, and you’ll likely regret it, but men are easy targets.

Why?
Because in the war between the sexes, there is no cease-fire.  Women will fight for every hill, to make sure that their wisdom, competence and superior taste in almost everything is acknowledged, but men will easily surrender or  declare victory, if they get respect, appreciation and regular demonstrations of affection–AKA sex.

Feminism changed sex and the economy of sex, because it enabled women to move between supply side and demand side.  Women now had demands and were controlling the supply through a kind of rationing and price-fixing.  As the supply began to change, men sought new suppliers, and there were always more suppliers.  Promiscuity became common and porn became mainstream.  Wives no longer held the monopoly on sex, and men were suddenly contenting themselves with the kind of cheap, easy, readily available women they’d previously disdained.  The one woman one man ideal was outmoded, as men began sharing their pulp princesses with countless other men, and women found  themselves competing with mens’ make-believe mistresses.

It simplified things for men, as they no longer needed to please a woman emotionally or sexually just to get a little, but it was hardly the brave new world.  Pleasure-seeking and erotica have always existed, and it isn’t as if internet porn destroyed the sexual utopia that existed before feminism.  Marriage took some hits,  and intimate sex between people who loved each other fell victim to friendly fire, making some wonder if sex within marriage or would soon be obsolete.  Doubtful, as long is there is one person alive who remembers that the solo, is nothing compared to the duet.

Men still need women, and women still need men.  Feminism changed our world, but it has yet to change men into women or women into men.  The war between the sexes continues, because some things never change, even in the face of progress.

On any given day, you’ll see them, the men on the benches outside stores at the mall.  Patiently, they wait, as the women browse every store.  Admirable or pathetic, they wait ,wondering how much longer she’ll be.

There are not as many men who go to the mall with their wives or girlfriends, as those who stay home, doing whatever it is men do while women shop, because most men don’t understand the way women shop.As a  woman goes from store-to-store looking, the men wonder why it takes them so long to find what they’re looking for.  For most men shopping is a challenge–like a hunt.  To come home empty-handed is to fail.  Bagging something–anything makes the hunt a success.  It would seem that when it comes to shopping, men and women are wired differently.  The woman lets the quest continue as she shops for the perfect [insert noun of choice here].

Though a man may not understand why a woman looking for the perfect pair of shoes or the perfect dress, can try on dozens of seemingly similar items and still be looking for something else, when it comes to choosing women, some men shop more like women, than they realize.  You know the ones, those guys who are always looking for someone or something they can’t seem to find.

There was a time when men may not have known exactly what they wanted in a wife or girlfriend, yet they managed to find one.  That was back when relationships were thought of as a launching point for forever after–instead of a stop-gap, ’til something better came along. Unfortunately, with sex-before-marriage now more the rule than the exception, and marriages are often short-lived, some men are no longer looking for a women to grow old with, instead they are looking for a women who will never grow old to them.

With sex readily available, men are more wary of monogamy and it’s implications and with so many choices, they may be reluctant to settle on one.  Relationships have become a gamble, as iffy as buying something at a store with a no-refund policy.  Maybe he sees something he likes, but only after he’s laid out a hefty chunk of money, will he discover the package was misleading, it wasn’t what he’d hoped, or that it isn’t going to last.

When it comes to women, some guys are are exactly like women shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.

There are so many to choose from, many styles, colors and sizes.  It’s up to him how many he tries on, and he is free to discard them if they don’t suit him, OR if he believes he might find something better. So while the women around him wonder why he won’t settle down or what it is he’s looking for, he’s narrowing his choices.  Women may not understand it, but they should–at least with a little decoding.

SHOPPING FOR THE PERFECT SHOES vs.  SHOPPING FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN

• She says: These are too wide. He says: She’s too wide.
  
• She says: This shoe is too narrow. He says: She’s narrow-minded, she doesn’t think the way I do.
  
• She says: I like these, but they pinch. He says: She cramps my style.
• She says: I like these, but I they cost too much. He says: I’d rather not spend my money on her.
  
• She says: I’d buy these, but I don’t want shoes I’d have to polish. He says: Too high maintenance!
• She says: I want to try on a few more. He says: So many women, why settle on one.
• She says: This one is comfortable, but it isn’t attractive enough. He says: I like hanging with her, but I was sorta hoping for a super-model.
• She says: Maybe I could do better. He says: Maybe I could do better.

Like cute shoes in the window beckoning and hoping you’ll pick them, or nice dresses left on the rack at the end of the season, we are left to shake our heads and wonder what it is he’s hoping to find.

A duckling, newly emerged from the shell, immediately looks for something with which it will bond. In the absence of the mother duck, the hatchling forms an attachment to the closest moving thing, whether human, animal or even an inanimate object like a ball; in a process called imprinting. Our sexual response is often the result of our own imprinting.   We may not even know why certain things turn us on and others don’t, but they are often the result of earlier experiences and the feelings we associate with them.

We are complicated creatures, but we are also amazingly simple.  As researchers study human sexual response, there are new findings on why we like what we like, but some of it just seems obvious.  For instance, a recent study showed a tendency for us to gravitate toward partners who bear certain similarities to our opposite sex parent. Freud would say it’s Oedipal, but it’s  not that complex.  We adapt to what is familiar.  Americans eat fries with ketchup, but Europeans prefer them with mayonnaise. I don’t even like ketchup much, but because it’s what I’m used to, I like it better than mayo on my pomme frittes.

In the same way, our ideas of physical attractiveness are mostly the result of cultural conditioning.  Across the globe,  beauty ideals vary greatly.  We may prefer smooth skin, beautiful teeth, or hard bodies, but there are places where scars, gold teeth and soft bodies define desirability.  Our preferences may seem personal, but they are largely influenced by what we’ve become accustomed to.

Consider the colors you like.  It is likely you have a favorite.  Maybe you’ve assumed color trends are launched by hipsters or designers, or that your response to them is a matter or personal taste, but the reality is that they are largely shaped by teams of professionals in the color industry, who work to change your preferences, in an attempt to influence what you will buy.  They begin by choosing palettes (also called color forecasts).  These palettes are then used to to create the things you are likely to see in stores.  What we may think of as color “trends” are actually an orchestrated effort to make you like what they’re selling. Their effort relies on exposing you to colors repeatedly, until you first become accustomed to them, then fonder of them as they become more familiar.  (They are also counting on you to tire of those colors, in time for their next round of picks.)

Our brains are very malleable, quickly responding to things around us.  Neurons and synapses are constantly readjusting according to exterior stimuli.  Often called our largest sexual organ, it should come as no surprise that the chemical and electrical activity of the brain not only reacts to, but also alters our sexual response. The brain continually records and categorizes experiences, creating a mental database of positive and negative perceptions. Eventually, those associations trigger reactions ranging from arousal to repulsion.  It is still not completely understood why some develop odd triggers or fetishes, but just as the deformed and putrid flesh of bound feet were once considered the height of erotica in China, our sexual response is largely the result of conditioning.

Because of the way our brains recall previous experiences, things we have found pleasant or arousing before, can become  sexual triggers, but unpleasant experiences can also rework our sexual response.  This is particularly true in cases of coerced sex, violent sex, or shame-inducing sex.  An individual who has been raped or molested, may have trouble getting past the fear or anxiety associated with predatory sex.  In fact, those who have suffered sex in a traumatic context may develop a negative reaction to what  might be considered normal sex.  (I’m not about to attempt to define “normal”, but for this  example, let’s define “normal” as he kind of sex we can imagine Claire and Cliff Huxtable having.)  A gay man I know, recounts being encouraged as a child, to have sex with a female cousin for the pleasure of voyeuristic adults.  After which, the residual shame made it impossible to even think about sex with a female.

In theory, the chemicals (like oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine) released when we have physical contact with another, are supposed to help us bond to and enjoy a long relationship with a single person.  However, in a culture where casual sex has become increasingly common, those same chemicals can fuel a kind of anti-monogamy addiction.  Those who bounce from bed to bed, may not even realize they are reprogramming the brain to reject monogamy, as they become conditioned to the rush of new encounters, making longer relationships, less attractive and less sustainable.

Because healthy relationships require both an emotional and physical bond, relationships based primarily on sex tend to be short-lived. Casual sex may be satisfying in the short-term, but without the emotional validations we crave, sex isn’t enough to sustain a long-lasting relationship. It is an example of how what we want, may not be what we need.  Even in arrangements like “friends with benefits”, the ongoing effort for both parties to balance the differences between their sexual and emotional needs, usually makes the arrangement temporary, at best. Unfortunately, without a significant emotional connection, sex for the sake of sex, becomes little more than a series of thrill rides. Even Cosmopolitan magazine, which has long advocated free sexual expression, recently cautioned men that excessive masturbation can diminish their ability to respond to sex with a partner.

What we want, isn’t always what we need.  Sometimes getting what we want, prevents us from getting what we need.  The reasons may be complicated, or simple, but like Pavlov’s dogs salivating for a bell, rats conditioned to endure electrical shocks in exchange for a few grains of food, or a baby duck waiting for a dog to teach him to swim or fly; we are all subject to imprinting.

I adore men, but some of the things they do, make us gals crazy, frustrated or worse.  Recently when a girlfriend asked the rhetorical question, “Why are men so dumb????”  I pondered plausible explanations.
Perhaps its to protect them from realizing how smart we are.. or maybe it’s so when we get all stupid over them, it’s still a fair match.

Monica Lewinsky was in the news recently.  You may be thinking she’s old news–she should she should be so lucky.  The poor co-ed gained an unfortunate kind of infamy, after her dalliance with former president Clinton.  She may be old news, but her name, and her claim to shame are still remembered.  According to an article in the UK Daily Mail, “’She’s alone most of the time and is pretty much a social pariah”  who has given up on finding love. The article suggests her professional and personal life have both been marred by her past.

Coincidentally, Bill Clinton has been in the media lately too.  Heard he turned down Dancing with the Stars.  Saw him on TV last night, looking old enough to enjoy a slow game of checkers with Jimmy Carter, but respected enough to be his opinions.  Though the Lewinsky affair is the most memorable part of his legacy, it doesn’t seem to have effected him as negatively as it has Monica, in fact, I read that next month, Bono, Usher, and Gaga will be performing at the Hollywood Bowl in a special Clinton tribute.

So while Monica is eating alone at the back of some restaurant, Bill is seated front and center at national events.  Monica is still paying for her involvement with Clinton, and though her affair with him was a huge mistake, but in her own needy way, she was every women–every woman who has ever shown poor judgement in regards to a man.

Her liason with Clinton wasn’t a high point for the presidency, or the country.  It was a deplorable mess, as we were subjected to semantic nonsense and sordid details.  Though I had contempt for the situation, I had compassion for her.  His position and charisma, combined with her hopeful inexperience made her vulnerable to his approaches.  If the man had been anyone else, she could have privately moved past her shame, chalking it up as a lesson regrettably learned, but HE was the President of the United States.  Because of that, she lost her identity as an up-and-coming young woman, and  gained unwanted notoriety.  All this because she fell in love.

I can already hear the cynical snickers of those who are thinking I’ve confused illicit sex with love, but Monica didn’t see Clinton as an opportunistic womanizer, she saw him as one who might one day make her the next Mrs. Clinton.  To which, one might ask, “How could she be so dumb?”

Was she the dumbest girl to have ever graduated from Bel Air Prep? Doubtful.  Is it possible she was too dumb to know better than to get involved with a married man?  Probably not.  Was she too dumb to turn a congressional internship into the start of a promising career?  I doubt it.  It’s not that she was dumb, it’s just she wasn’t smart enough to realize even men in positions of honor and dignity are capable of exploiting an inexperienced girl.  She should have run the other way, but she wasn’t smart enough to avoid doing stupid things.

It happens.

If there is one thing with the power to make women stupid, it’s men.  Men have a way of messing with, the otherwise smart & beautiful, heads of women, making the heart able to play tricks on the head. This is especially unfortunate, if a woman finds herself involved with a man who is acting only in his own best interests–like those who act out feelings they don’t have,  in order to satisfy those they do–making it all too easy for a woman to become emotionally involved with the wrong person.

It happens.

Sometimes smart women turn stupid because of men and as the stupidity takes hold, a woman finds it easier to ignore the little voice that tries to warn her and easier to believe the unrealistic.  Eventually, she is sacrificing her own welfare, hoping it will all work out in the end.

I’m not justifying what Monica did, but she isn’t the first woman to lose her wits over a man.   I don’t know if I’d like Monica Lewinsky, but I think I understand her.  It’s clear she’s still living with the pain of her past and the media has shown no mercy.  She isn’t the most sympathetic character, but I think I’d like her.  In fact, I’d jump at the chance to get to know her over lunch or something and God knows I’d make a better friend than Linda Tripp.

If I could reach her on Twitter, I‘d say:

@Monica
Move on girl, you’re better than this.

@Monica
He’s stupid.  Everyone knows he was a jerk.

@Monica
Even smart girls make mistakes.

@Monica
Sometimes men make smart women stupid.

@Monica
We all make mistakes.  Yours just got better coverage.

Sometimes men are stupid.  Sometimes women are too.

Overheard in a used bookstore: “The trouble with these books is they’re so literary.”

The remark struck me as funny, but it probably shouldn’t have.  Granted, I was in Bullhead City, AZ, but when it comes to books we don’t all like the same things.   Some books are good enough almost anyone can enjoy them–as evidenced by the Harry Potter series, but there are many books that aren’t as easy to enjoy.  I read lots of books, as a result, I end up reading some that aren’t very good.

When it comes to books, you are either a reader or you aren’t. Because I am a reader, I enjoy combing the shelves of places where used books are sold.  I could save money by going to libraries, but that wouldn’t allow me enough time form the same relationships with books. To me, starting a book is a commitment to see it through to the end.  Sort of like a marriage, though we begin with a preconceived notion of what’s to come, unless we stick with it, we have no idea how it will end.  When a book starts poorly, I keep reading, in the hope it will get better, but as with relationships, some books are just more satisfying than others.

It is my assumption, that most of those who read de blog are probably “readers”, but since nobody has time to read everything, I read books looking for bits of not-to-be missed brilliance, with my readers in mind.    (No need to thank me, but I’ve saved you tons of money and time you might have spent reading some awful books.)

Over the past several months, I’ve read dozens of books about men, women, and relationships.  A few stand out.  If I had a library, instead of using the Dewey Decimal System, I’d use a system like the one employed at a certain store, where I used to rent videos.  One of their employees took it upon himself to personally share his opinions about the videos he had viewed.  If he had scrawled on the vinyl case, “Clayton recommends”, customers could be reasonably sure the movie was worth watching.

My library would have “Should be Mandatory” sections.  I’d chose some books for young people who know nothing of history &  politics, and other books for those who believe they know everything of those subjects.  I’d probably recommend some books on religion to those who have no faith, and some secular books to those who only read theology.

But who needs a library, when having a blog offers the same egotistic opportunity to tell others what they should read?   So since summer vacation is the perfect time to pick up a good book, here’s de blog’s summer reading list.  No matter what your current relationship status, there is something for everyone on this list.  Not only that, but each book is chock-full of worthwhile for those seeking a new or improved relationship.

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough – by Lori Gottlieb
This one tops my list because it’s incredibly well-researched and is actually fun to read.  Bestselling author, Lori Gottlieb provides answers to why fabulously-eligible women sometimes have trouble finding their dream man.  Lori shares her own experiences as she explores online dating services, tries her luck with a matchmakers, and seeks the help of a dating coach.  It’s a fascinating look at ways women sabotage their chances with great guys.  If you aren’t smarter after reading this book, you might as well just start talking to yourself and collecting stray cats.

He’s Just Not Your Type (and that’s a good thing):  How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It by Andrea Syrtash
This book is a natural follow up to the one suggested above.  The author suggests that if all your relationships end the same way, it might be because you keep dating the same type of guy.  Ms. Syrtash encourages women to get out of their comfort zone, by dating the guys who aren’t their type.  (It worked for me.)

The End of Sex, Erotic Love after the Sexual Revolution by George Burr Leonard
Don’t tell anyone, but I like sex.  Can’t blame me, I was raised after sex, drugs & rock & roll replaced the mores of my parents’ generations with an openness that changed everything.  Suddenly sex was plentiful, cheap & easy.  Unfortunately, sometimes cheap lacks quality.  When our society traded quality for quantity, it was at the cost of the three M’s–the magic, the mystique and meaning of sex.  The author  makes a great case for monogamy as a source of exciting challenge and adventure.  I read this book every few years, because when it comes to sex, I’m a 3M kind of girl.

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
The title of this book may be off-putting, but it’s not as it sounds. While women may believe being submissive is a virtue, being too agreeable can subvert a relationship.  This book isn’t really about being bitchy, as much as it’s about not being so desperately weak as to allow oneself to be walked on like a doormat.   Women, being naturally accommodating, often put up with stuff they shouldn’t.   Between the covers of this book is the lesson (or reminder) there is such a thing as being too nice.  It’s all about getting respect, because a woman who is properly respected, needn’t be bitchy.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch,  Ph.D.
I’ve read plenty of books about sex, intimacy & romance, but most of them give the same advice  . . be open to new things, tell your partner what you like…ZZZzzzzzzzz….If you’re past that, you’ve probably already realized it’s possible to have great sex within the confines of a not-so-great relationship, or a great relationship that isn’t sexually satisfying.  This book is for those who want to enjoy both a great relationship and great sex.  If sex makes you uncomfortable, this may not be the book for you, then again, it might.

Being a Woman: Fulfilling Your Femininity and Finding Love by Dr. Toni Grant
There are way too many books out there suggesting female perfection will eliminate marital woes.  When I came across this book, the photo of the author with her perfectly-styled hair had me fully prepared to be wading through another volume of tips women gave daughters in previous generations.  Fortunately, the days of housewives who wore pearls to vacuum are over–if they every existed.

Being a wife or mother in a post-feminist society presents new challenges to the role of a woman.  Dr. Grant acknowledges ways feminism has changed our roles, while also realizing women aren’t all the same.  She offers suggestions for balancing every aspect of a woman’s multi-dimensional personality, while still being the kind of woman a man will adore.

Okay that’s my list.  These savvy books are too good to be returned to the library or sold back to the used bookstore.  If you find any of these titles of interest, it is my sincere hope you’ll enjoy them and learn useful things from them.  Because I found the first book listed above to be particularly brilliant, I will be sharing my interview with author Lori Gottlieb soon.  Lori has written for a host of publications including, Glamour, People,  Mademoiselle, Atlantic Monthly, Redbook,  Time, Self and Elle. (In other words, this babe has it going on!)   In the meantime, I wholeheartedly recommend “Marry Him” to any woman who is frustrated by dating.

Ahhh, June…a wonderful month with the end of school and the beginning of summer, but for June brides, it can also the beginning of a new life adventure–a wonderful or terrifying adventure.

This June marked my 21st year of marriage.  Considering, more than two decades ago, I walked down the center aisle of a small church wondering if it would last, I suppose it’s remarkable, but considering the 50+ year marriages of my parents’ generation, it doesn’t seem like much.

A favorite Mexican proverb says “Cuando una mujer es lo suficientemente madura para escoger a un compañero correcto, ella ya ha estado casada por años”. Roughly translated, it means “By the time a woman is old enough to choose a good mate, she has been married for years.”  Or as  Dr. David Schnarch says in his book, Passionate Marriage, “Nobody is ready for marriage–marriage makes you ready for marriage.”

Someone recently wrote a bio on me, in which I was called an expert on marriage.  I laugh each time I think of it.  It seems to be a contradiction in terms, as the only individuals arrogant enough to think they are experts on marriage are most-likely single.  Whether it is our successes, or our failures which make us expert, learning about marriage isn’t easy. I’ve learned a few things along the way, but I know way more about weddings, than marriages.

I couldn’t count the number of weddings I’ve attended.  As a child I attended the weddings of people my parents knew, later came the weddings of my own friends, now I am often invited to the weddings of my friends’ children.  Over the years, I’ve seen weddings in all sizes and colors.  I’ve attended weddings built around holiday themes–Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Christmas, and even Halloween.  I’ve witnessed marriages in small living rooms, and great churches.  I’ve been served obscenely-expensive food on fine china at some weddings, and potluck grub on paper plates at others.

At this point, I’d like to think I’m sort of an expert on weddings–not a Martha Stewart or Colin Cowie expert, but still very much a wedding aficionado.  Every wedding is different, but whether the bride & groom are wearing silk or denim, they are optimistic believers in the happily-ever-after.   Almost without exception, there will be two people who believe they can go the distance, but I’ve attended weddings where even the bride & groomed seemed to know they were doomed before the Bridal Chorus began. One such wedding, was on  where the groom was conspicuously absent from the reception. At another, the bride was shouting obscenities at the groom within moments of tying the knot–or perhaps the noose.

When I truly believe the couple is doomed, I usually send an R.S.V.P with a lovely card, but who can know which couples will succeed or which will fail?   How some couples eke out years of marital bliss, despite the head-scratching of friends; is a one of those intimate secrets that only some couples know.  Like the secret oath of a fraternity, you will not learn those secrets, unless you are inducted into the very exclusive Benevolent Order of The Happily Married.

But enough about marriage–on the big day it’s all about the dresses, decorations, and flowers; a very auspicious celebration for things yet unknown. It is much ado for the “I do”.  If we understood what was ahead, perhaps we’d be less inclined to eat cake and toast champagne with such jubilant capriciousness.  We often imagine that marriage will be an unending romantic state, but it’s often far from romantic, challenging even those with the most impeccable qualities.

Perhaps God was afraid of letting me raise a girl, as I have only sons.  That’s too bad, because if I had a daughter, I’d save her some trouble by teaching her some of the useful things I’ve learned about men, life and marriage.  I’m not jaded or cynical, just experienced.  I tell girlfriends planning weddings, not to listen to me, lest my remarks persuade them to call it off.

I don’t regret having married, but I am often astounded at how difficult it can be to live in harmony with another human being.  The fundamental differences between men & women, as well as those of each individual’s personality, guarantee the joys in marriage will be tempered with the challenges of reconciling those differences.

Marriage is sharing, and while that sounds very nice, even small children understand sharing means giving up stuff you’d rather keep.  You give up some of your stuff in return for some of their stuff.  That’s great, if their stuff includes things like a generous inheritance or a beach house in Malibu, but it is more likely their stuff is at least one family member you won’t like, and furniture you can’t decorate around. Of course, they get half of your stuff, which means they get to embrace your oddball behaviors and the mismatched pieces of your emotional baggage, which will be the wrong style, but still enough to guarantee that as a couple you’ll have a full set.

For each and everyone who is bold enough to stand in front of family and friends pledging their all–I have one thing to say GOOD LUCK.  You’ll need it!

Reading fairy tales gave women the notion that once the handsome prince showed up, we’d all live happily every after, but life is rarely like a fairy tales.  There are no fairy tales about princesses who spent their lives looking for their prince, nor are there charming stories of queens who were widowed or divorced.

Because of this, some women end up living lives on hold, while waiting for their prince; others find themselves starting over when their first prince reverts to frog or worse.  No matter what we’ve been through, too many of us waste time looking for the person who will make us believe in happily ever after again.

There are women who prefer living alone, but most of us crave the company of someone, with whom we can share our joys and struggles.  Sure, we have our girlfriends, but it’s in our nature to want to love and be loved.  Even the most self-sufficient independent female can find herself wishing there was a man in her life, but finding the right man is often an exercise in serial frustrations.

With the world full of eligible men & women, it shouldn’t be so hard to find someone, but it often is.  Woman sit at home lamenting their loneliness, as if they expect someone to come to the door with a glass slipper that fits only them.  Finding that special person doesn’t happen in a vacuum.  Even the prince with the glass slipper, went knocking door-to-door before he found his dream girl.

Modern society isn’t nearly as friendly as it once was, but you’re a big girl now.  If you were taught not to talk to strangers, it’s time to switch it up.  You won’t meet anybody new or interesting if you can’t talk to new people.  Relationship experts tell us to go where the men are, but while there are plenty of men to be found at tractor pulls and strip clubs, if you’re looking for normal men, go to normal places. The places you frequent, are the best places to meet people with whom you are likely to have things in common.

Don’t limit yourself to meeting only those people who interest you, even dull guys can have interesting friends.  Don’t approach every guy with the goal of making him your husband, in the same way dogs smell fear, men sense desperation.  Lastly, don’t disqualify someone before you’ve taken the time to find out his story.   Most people are largely more interesting than thefirst impression would lead you to believe.

Once you’ve found someone you’re interested in meeting, a smile is a subtle, but time-tested opener.  After the smile, strike up a conversation.  It isn’t necessary to be brilliant or interesting to strike up an interest-starting conversation, in fact, ordinary conversations are best for putting others at ease.  Talk to strangers as if they are friends, and they will usually respond in kind.

Speaking of friends, even if the person you are interested in is drool-on-your-own-shoes gorgeous, approach them as you would anyone else.  Don’t let someone’s career, status or appearance convince you they’re out of your league.  The rich, beautiful, and powerful have the same inadequacies as everybody else, and they are just as susceptible to sincerity and charm as everyone else.

Likewise, be approachable, not intimidating.  Men love attractive women, but those who are unapproachable snag the  imagination, not the heart.  There was a time when hard-to-get or waiting for men to make the first move were good tactics, but in the culture of feminism, being aloof can mean being alone.  Most men won’t waste time on women who make them feel foolish, and even the bravest guys are frightened by scary women.

To get things started, almost anything can be an ice-breaker.  A clerk at my grocer recently told me she was amazed at how often strangers end up exchanging phone numbers after casually chatting in the check-out line.  Not a big surprise, as grocery items provide clues to the other person’s lifestyle and are easy conversations starters.  For example:

Guy Buying TV dinners:
Bad Question: The old lady throw you out?
Good Question: How’s the Salisbury Steak?

Guy buying dog food:
Good Question: What kind of dog do you have?
Bad Question: Have you tried The Moist & Meaty Steak Dinner?

Guy buying a bag of limes:
Bad Question: Trouble with scurvy?
Good Question: Making margaritas?

Be playful, not serious.  You ask if he’s making margaritas, he tells you he’s having friends in to watch THE game.  Ask what team he likes, but if he likes a team you hate, there is no need to tell him he’s a sports cretin.   (You can convince him of that after you’ve dated a few months.) The idea is to convey interest, not intensity.  If he responds favorably, it’s game on.

If you succeed in engaging him, offer your first name.  Once you’re on a first-name basis, keep the conversation open long enough to give him time to decide whether or not to ask for your number.  If he doesn’t show any interest, move on.  He may not be interested, may be taken,  or if he’s too socially inept to figure out how to ask you out, he may not be your guy.  The interaction is over and you’ve lost nothing.

If this seems insultingly simple, it is.  There is simply no good reason an eligible person should be alone, unless they choose to be.  Meeting people of either gender is as easy as making the effort and taking risks.  Alas, meeting people is the easy part, finding the right person takes more effort.  Nevertheless, ti’s a great place to start and with a little luck it’ll keep you from spending every Saturday night crying along with The Bachelorette.  In the near future, I’ll be chatting with Marry Him, author Lori Gottlieb about how women inadvertently prevent themselves from finding great guys and offering tips for how to sustain relationships.

India’s caste system–for most in the Western world, it’s incomprehensible to imagine our life’s destiny being determined before our birth,  and reprehensible that the caste system assigns value to individuals regardless of character.  I was surprised to learn, the idea behind the caste system is reminiscent of the Bible passage which states every person has a function, like the organs of the body.   The function of the eye is not like that of the heart, but each is vital.  The caste system is intended to help the function of society, but to me it is dehumanizing, detestable and primitive.

Yet, in our own society, we often employ, or are subject to, systems of social ranking. Just as in India, where castes are determined by birth, our destiny can be the result of where we were born or who we were born to.  Our skin, our body, or our economic disadvantage can become a damaging label, out of our control.  It is ridiculous to allow education, fame, career, appearance or economics determine status.  Nevertheless, being being born in the wrong place or not being able to afford the same things as others, can leave one stranded on a lower rung of the social ladder.

It’s a caste system–unsophisticated and ugly.

I was thinking about this, because of something that happened to someone close to me.

There was a woman who was highly-esteemed by all who knew her.  A beautiful and gracious socialite, active in her church and community, she was always invited by the ladies who do lunch and A-listed for cocktail soirees. Her company was always in demand.

Then, the phone stopped ringing.

There were no more engraved invitations.

The church ladies avoided eye contact.
Carpool moms made excuses for why they couldn’t drive her children.
Old friends became former friends.
People who knew her crossed the street, to avoid interacting.
She was out-caste.

It wasn’t anything she said or did. Everybody who knows her, would attest she’s the same beautiful, kind and generous person, she was before her social demotion.  She was kicked out the inner circle of the beautiful people, when someone in her family was charged with a crime.   She was punished for the actions of someone else.

It happens.  Whether it be our children, siblings, or spouse; there are times when people near us do things which cause us to suffer emotionally, and sometimes socially.  When a teen gets arrested for drugs, a spouse is charged with DUI, or a relative is implicated in a scandal, one may find  themselves being treated as an accessory and punished as such.

It is unfortunate, but there may come a time, when like a modern-day Jesus, you find yourself paying for the deeds of someone else; being punished or judged wrongly because of things you didn’t do.  No man is an island.  It is natural to feel embarrassed when loved ones behave badly, but it is also important to remember who you are.  You cannot be  responsible for all the actions of everyone around you.

Just as importantly, we need to remember friends in these kinds of situations, need to know they have not become untouchable to their friends.  We are individuals, we are not the people who surround us.

Except for the day when Larry Durbin and I shared a Charms Pop at the old Elks Theater, I had never exchanged spit with anyone.  In fact, I had successfully managed to avoid being spit on, touching anything that had spit on it, and until that fateful day, all the spit in my mouth was entirely my own. Unknowing innocence, was erased when my first kiss caught me off-guard with a strange mix of delight & repulsion.  Sweet Mother of Mouthwash, saliva had suddenly become esoteric and sublime.

Wistfully pondering the strange delight of the kiss, caused my mind to wander back through the kisses filed away in my memory.  There were kisses I’d like to forget, kisses not worth remembering, and then there were those kisses which linger as sweetly on the heart, as they once did on the lips.

There is no kiss more memorable than that first awkward, blundering, kiss.  The innocent joy of mouth meeting mouth, becomes hugely significant, as what will likely be one of the lesser kisses of our lifetime, becomes one of the greater memories. In that first unfamiliar experience, our senses are awakened to the first of many romantic pleasures.

I am reminded of a terminally-ill family member, who, as she considered the short time ahead, lamented how long it had been since she’d been “properly kissed”, but she was not referring to the proper kiss.  She was not referring to that multi-purpose kiss which says, hello, goodbye, and thank you like the “aloha” of cordiality.  For as any woman knows, being properly kissed, borders on the improper.

The kiss is intimacy’s most basic act, yet many fail to execute it well.  A “kiss & tell” confession, is apt to state whether someone was a good or bad kisser, but who is the Simon Cowell of kissing?  By what standards is this judged?  This isn’t the kind of question that is answered by Wiki or Ask.com, and surely we wouldn’t all agree on what constitutes good technique.  If you’re reading this, it is assumed you are past needing a tutorial on how to kiss, and also assumed you know kisses should be fresh and clean; but perhaps you have yet to realize the most important thing about a kiss is not the way it feels on the lips, but the way it leaves us feeling inside.

A kiss should be spontaneous.  Not every kiss is executed with natural ease, but the best kisses are both expected and surprising.  In the moments before a kiss, there is a certain pleasure in wondering if a kiss is coming.  The unanswered question is usually answered with uncertainty, as one or both bring their faces closer.  Sometimes words are spoken, permission is asked or desire stated, but the best kisses require no introduction.

Kisses should be given and received in a way that respects the other person.  They should neither stifle, impair nor impose.  Wet is good, but sloppy is not.  Only after being kissed by large dogs or drooling babies, should one feel compelled to wash their face.  The great kiss leaves us wanting more.

A kiss should be focused on the mouth, but not confined to it, employing caresses, as it explores the surrounding areas.

A perfect kiss is urgent but unhurried.   It transcends time, causing us to forget about clocks in the moment, and leaving us to remember the moment, when it has passed.

When a man kisses a women he should be in command of her affection, but not attempting to control it.  There should be no pretense in a kiss.  Only a lesser individual will kiss without sincerity. Kisses should never exploit the affections of another.

The best kisses hint sweetly of what is to come, yet are sufficient by themselves.  They are the intimacy of flesh on flesh, mouth-play, and sweet sensations suggestive of more.

A male friend offers his perspective on kissing.  Though I have never kissed him, I would venture, he has kissed and been kissed often enough to speak authoritatively.  Mae West said, “A man’s kiss is his signature.” Joel, who shares his thoughts here, seems to agree.

FROM JOEL:

I remember the second girl I kissed. Surprisingly, I don’t remember the second kiss. I was more focused on sliding into second base. I was a breast man then, and I’m a breast man now–with regard to quality over quantity.

How silly I was then not to realize kissing is to be enjoyed, not just a pass-through.

I remember the third girl I kissed. Perhaps I owe to her what I know today. Remember looking with her at a photo of us kissing together and she captioned the photo “The River”. Apparently a river, OK, tributary, of saliva would flow from my mouth to her puckered lips. Thinking back to the third, fourth, fifth…to today..I feel I have perfected the kiss, yet am always open to learn more.

Kissing is an art, it tells a lot about someone, and connects you on a different level than prior.

The perfect kiss begins with eye contact, intense eye contact, looking deep into the other person, feeling their energy unite with yours.   Looking down at the lips, then back up into their eyes. (No elevator eyes up and down their body, for you already know, or don’t need to know, about the body.)

Closer together the lips come, and I stop, she’s ready for the lips to meet, but I hold off, just for a moment. I take my hand and gently place it on the back of her neck. Slowly, (or sometimes opting for fast n hard, as that can be quite exhilarating!)  drawing her closer to me, our lips touch…I pull back, lips apart, draw my hand into her hair and squeeze just enough to hear her moan. With her soft beautiful hair in my fingers I bring our lips together again, this time with more passion.  I pull back ever so slightly, place my upper and lower lips around just her upper lip and gently, slowly bite down….and then…well, I can’t reveal everything, now can I?

I’ve been on dates where a bad kiss was all I needed to know I didn’t wish to continue. One’s kiss is personal, tells a lot about the person, and can make or break an encounter.

Joel’s friend Serena shares her perspective:
FROM SERENA:

I used to think of kissing as a prelude to the better “stuff,” or a way to show the other person that everything is alright.
Recently, I’ve had a kissing epiphany with the luck of finding someone who has chemistry with my lips, and myself.
A friend once described a first kiss with her partner with the few words, “It was like time stopped.”

I couldn’t relate. I know what she means now. Haven’t you ever been doing something you enjoyed so much you couldn’t focus on anything but that? A powerful massage, your favorite song played live at a concert? Isn’t it like time is stopping during that moment? That’s what I feel more times than not when I’m kissing a certain someone.

What creates this? Maybe this:
Our eyes connect, and his magnetize to draw me into him uncontrollably. The force is stopped by two soft lips and I can feel his excitement in his motions as he pulls me closer. Sometimes the motion of the lips is fast, sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes playful but in each kiss a perfect connection of two bodies and lips touching and exploring–minds connecting.  A kiss is a full body and soul experience.

Indeed, as Serena and Joel remind us the kiss is so more than lip service.  It is hands, bodies, minds and souls in optimistic concert.

How long has it been since you’ve been properly kissed?