Though thousands of words are written, about how to be happy in a relationship, too few are written on   how to be less-miserable.  No matter how many columns are devoted to telling couples how to get along better, there aren’t nearly enough devoted to the art of not getting along.

Among couples, there are outliers who insist they never fight, but I’ve yet to meet any who exist in perfect harmony. Popular culture would have us believe relationships are mostly tranquil, full of love, sex and romance, with only occasional disruptions.

Hello?  Anybody seen the magazines on the checkstand lately?

Even Hollywood’s fairytale romances often fall apart in startling displays of pettiness, scandal and heartbreak. On those rare occasions,when television and movies show relationships breaking apart, it is usually because of some big issue, yet, it is often little things which cause the most problems. Read the rest of this entry »

June is over, without a single wedding invite.

There is a decade when most of the weddings you attend are those of your friends. Next, comes the decade when most of the weddings you’re invited to are remarriages of some of those same friends. Eventually you enter the decade in which the wedding invitations are from  those same friends’ children.

Weddings are always the same, and always different.   They are a particularly good exhibition of a couple’s tastes and  personality.  Traditional vows are often replaced with something custom-suited to the couple.  From not-a-dry-eye-in-the-house prose to incomprehensible secret messages, wedding vows take many forms.

The most profoundly witty & sincere vows I’ve heard, were pronounced recently at the wedding, of a girlfriend, who has made her living as a very successful radio personality. She and her husband had written their own vows. She didn’t know what he would say. He didn’t know what she would say.

The groom read his sincerest thoughts with palpable emotion. The bride and all those assembled were clearly touched by his verbal declaration of love for her.  Then came the response of a woman who is rarely, if ever at a loss for words. There are times when one doesn’t need to say much to have said it all, and this was one such time. She said just three little words.
Never  before had those three little words had more depth than on that day. In a voice frail with emotions, she simply said, “What he said.”.

I doubt the groom missed hearing romantic bromides or pledges of undying devotion, because on their wedding day, she clearly wanted him to star in their show.  To those who know the bride, there was something hugely significant in a radio host who passed up the opportunity to take over the microphone.  Another bride might have been tempted to upstage her groom, but not this one.  There were no promises to love, honor or obey, but there was no doubt about their commitment to each other.  As with most wedding ceremonies, they wed believing in happily every after.

To those who have been married a while, the words uttered on the wedding day become vague memories. We may remember what we imagined our future would bring, or how we felt, but it is unlikely we remember the words said. No matter what kind of words were said on the wedding day, it is usually the case, that both partners are so enamored of one another,they are committed to making the other one happy.  On that day, we believe we are the best person for them, and they for us.  We believe they will be happier with us than with anyone else.

Day-to-day-living has a way of redefining marriage.  The once perfect rapport we once enjoyed with the fiancé, becomes flawed…the easy lovin’, becomes harder to come by.  Then one lonely day in the future one (or both) may find themselves wondering if they could be happier.

Marriages are stronger when we stay committed to putting that other person’s happiness above our own. Whatever issues come up are compounded when we stop caring about our partner’s happiness. As our bond is weakened we begin thinking more about our own happiness, than theirs.  Eventually, the desire to be happy can become almost an act of self-preservation.

Even when we have forgotten the words spoken on our wedding day, we must work to remember when we placed their happiness above our own.  The vows are meaningless, unless we do our best to keep them. It isn’t easy to remember those feelings and high ideals and it may not be possible to recapture the feelings we had on our wedding day, but we would all be happier if we remembered how we once valued our partner’s happiness.  If only we could all at least try to remember, do you remember?

I do.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a fifty-fifty proposition. It rarely is, but even when it is, an inherent flaw in a partnership between two individuals, is how to break a tie–or deal with a stalemate. There are times when compromise is the only option and times when it is the worst of options. However, many issues can be solved or avoided using a simple rule. It is the “Who Cares Most” rule.

The “Who Cares Most” rule is works best when one party has an opinion, but isn’t passionate about it. It works like this.  On many smaller matters, one partner is often more heavily invested in the outcome than the other.   In those cases, the other  partner defers to the whims of the one “Who Cares Most”.

For instance, if a woman decides it’s time for a new shade of paint, drapes or a couch, it is likely she has her heart set on something specific. She has an idyllic vision, which is not likely shared by the man who shares the space.  Though he is not nearly as committed to the outcome, he may second-guess or oppose her choices. This is when a smart person allows the “Who Cares Most” rule settle the  disagreement.

Example:  I recently changed the curtains in my living room.  I chose beautiful chocolate velvet drapes with Beloved Soul Mate’s full agreement.  As soon as they were hung, he loved them, but I found them to be oppressively dark. Had I asked him for input, he would have opposed changing them, but when I switched them out for something bright & airy, he failed to notice the change for almost three months.

The inexperienced me, might have entertained an argument over the matter, but the older, wiser me, knows he wants to be heard, even when he doesn’t really care much. After his initial protests, he almost always likes my choices.  Invoking the “Who Cares Most” rule, I staged the window covering coup unbeknownst to him, without feeling duplicitous or overbearing, precisely because having the right curtains means more to me, than it does to him.

However, when it comes to autos, he cares WAY more about cars than I do.  What I NEED from a car is simple.

1.  Should respond favorably to a key in the ignition.
2.  Must be comfortable and spacious enough to be practical.
3.  Good color a plus.

Because of the “Who Cares Most” rule, I spent a regrettable year driving a Cadillac El Dorado, with a hinky electrical system. I would have preferred an SUV, but I simply wasn’t invested enough to wage a battle over it.  The over-sized car didn’t appeal to me, but Beloved Soul Mate fell in love with it. I agreed to the car, because it mattered more to him & made him happy.  Fortunately for me, the two-door Caddy quickly became impractical when we had children in carseats,  providing a reason to sell it to another man who fell  in love with it.

Using the above rule, many problems are avoided, but it is of no use in resolving the issue of how often to have sex. By this rule, the partner who wanted it most, would be allowed to control when & how to have it, but craving sex is like being hungry for pizza. When you want pizza, you want pizza; but as anyone who has found themselves in a the desperate-for-pizza-mood knows, there is great pizza and eat-it-only-in-a-pinch-pizza.  Nevertheless, pizza is pizza. When we are desperate, we may settle for something that isn’t exactly what we wanted.  It satisfies the urge, but doesn’t leaving us wanting the same thing the next day.

The definition of good sex, like the definition of good pizza is different things to different people. When us gals are dreaming of sex, we may be imagining something completely different from what men imagine we’re imagining. Women dream of something sweet, tender, and memorable. That isn’t to say it can’t be naughty, gratifying, monkey love, but it’s the kind of sex, that is still appealing at breakfast the next day.

Most of us are happy enough with the kind delivered in 30 minutes  or less, even when we know the difference between a made to order brick-oven pie and the pizza that comes out of a freezer box. This is one situation when the “Who Cares Most” rule causes more problems than it solves, because it is rather  like trying to force A Meat Lover’s Special on a vegetarian.  The invoking of the “Who Cares Most” rule guarantees a stale mate.

Thick or thin–is isn’t possible to agree on everything.  The compromise can be noble or counterproductive, because if one partner is continually compromising, resentment is inevitable.  In pizza terms, it is exactly why you can order pizza made with half what she likes, and half what he wants.   Not  everything in marriage is fifty-fifty, but love-making is an area that should strive to be.  If you can’t figure out how His & Hers is supposed to work, you might find yourself alone with a whole pizza to yourself.  You’ll have it your way, but it won’t be nearly as fun as having someone to share it with.
Deb’s Note: One friend says writing about relationships is hackneyed, another friend says writing about sex is boring.  Everywhere I look, people are trying to start relationships, fix relationships or end failing relationships.  Therefore, I do hereby vow to stop writing about both sex and relationships when everybody stops having them.

Another friend says there is no comparison between sex and pizza.  I think she just needs to try better pizza.

Linda is a lesbian.  She would tell you she prefers women, because she hates men. Several years ago, she said to me, “How can you not hate men? They’re such predators.”

Perhaps I was too busy enjoying the fun of being man-prey, to have thought of men as predators.  In my experience, men were protectors, providers and heroes. Like a fish seeing a sparkly lure, I found their attractiveness irresistible. This made it easy for me to be ensnared by The Beloved Soul Mate.  Alas, I am now the feminist nightmare–having been used as a vehicle for reproduction, a sexual plaything,  and held hostage in the home, despite untapped career potential.

What kind of trickery caused me to believe men were amazing?  There must have been a male conspiracy to brainwash me. My father and brothers were obviously in on it, because they had successfully convinced  me men were strong, brave, kind, funny, generous, and self-sacrificing.  I am  probably suffering from Stockholm syndrome, because I have grown fond of my captor and my captivity. I live comfortably, and my needs are met. There have been times I felt I wasn’t treated as well as I should have been, but all that changed last week,  when I discovered the book.

How could I have known the book held the power to change me???  The book made me feel ashamed and repentant.  I didn’t realize, my faith in men had been diluted by the gospel of feminism. I’d come to accept that men are largely motivated by sex, and sometimes boorish, but I still held on to some romantic notions.  Before the book, I was convinced I understood men, and was as fond of them as any female on the planet.  I never dreamed I, like Linda, could be indicted as an accomplice in the crime of man-hating.  Fortunately, the book, opened my eyes.  The book, Why Men Are the Way They Are, which was written by Warren Farrell, a former feminist, made me realize it is men who are often powerless in our society.

Feminism propagated the idea of men as oppressors.  We are supposed to believe that without feminism, we’d all be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. We were convinced men had all the power.  They had power over our bodies, impregnating us with children, whether we wanted them or not.  We were to believe men controlled industry and business, leaving women at economic disadvantage.  We were told to we’d been devalued by men, because they saw us as little more than sex objects.

For decades, women fought for the right to choose between home and career, the right to choose whether or not to give birth, the right to compete for jobs and be fairly compensated for them. It was all about fairness and equality–unless one considers how women’s choices increased, but men’s didn’t.

Men are blamed for carelessly fathering children, but women get away with setting pregnancy traps. A woman on The Pill is somehow deemed more reliable than a man with a condom, despite an improbable number of men becoming fathers after having slept with women who said they were on The Pill.  No matter who is responsible, men are expected to support the child.

During conception, half the genetic matter comes from each partner, but after conception, men are expected to supply the majority of the support, in return for the smallest part in decision making. The mother decides whether or not to have the child, she decides whether or not to disclose the paternity of the child, she decides whether or not the father has access to the child.  She can marry the father, divorce the father, and still expect child support.  A man may have slept with a willing woman, but if she should become pregnant, he becomes powerless.

For years feminists have bristled against the traditional marriage vows, which employed the phrase “love, honor and obey”, but written between the lines, is an order for men to love honor & support. Men are still expected to be the primary breadwinner.  We do not think less of women who choose to stay home while men support them, but men who stay home, while women support them are seen as freeloaders or losers.

Feminism would convince us marriage is an oppressive, opportunity-limiting situation for women, ignoring how limiting marriage is to men. It is perfectly acceptable for women to reject traditional roles, but men are still defined by them.  Despite economic opportunities now available, women still favor men who can provide them the greatest security–in other words, the best earners.

This sets up a no-win situation for men, who often choose between time spent at home with family, to win admiration; or time spent at work, lest he fail as provider. As a result men are often seen as vacant or inattentive by the woman who is depending on his income.  While her husband is out doing what he thinks is expected, if a woman misses the affection of the husband who is largely absent, she is easily enticed by the attention of other men.  Is it any wonder men die younger than women?

Author Warren Farrell says just as men objectify women as sex objects, women objectify men as “success-objects”.  Is it any more sexist for men to pass over women who aren’t attractive, than it is for women to disqualify men who can’t provide them the level of security they desire?  Farrell suggests that if the male fantasy is sex and more of it, the female fantasy is stuff & more of it–or as he says “better homes & gardens”.

I once was blind, but now I see.  The book changed me.  Reading  Why Men Are the Way They Are, I was surprised and saddened to consider society’s contempt for men.  We should be glad boys are taught early to keep their feelings inside, and not to pick fights with girls, or we’d have seen a revolt by now. Every chapter gave me  more reasons to admire men and made me wonder why I’d never heard of this book.  Perhaps the book, like men, fell victim to political correctness, as it exposes how  feminist notions have put us at odds with men, making men vulnerable, distrustful and afraid of commitment.  (Unless you, like Linda, hate men;  this is not a good thing.)

Deb’s Note: This post doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of the ideas put forth in “Why Men Are the Way They Are”.  There was so much in it, even though I’ve just read it, I plan to reread it soon.  I would recommend this book to every man and woman.  Women will understand man and appreciate them more, men will appreciate feeling understood.  Below are links to some good interviews with the author, but I wholeheartedly recommend this book and can’t wait to read his other titles, including “The Myth of Male Power”.

READ MORE:

An Interview With Warren Farrell, The Author Of “Why Men Are the Way They Are.”

Save the Males!

The Myth of Male Power: An interview with Warren Farrell

Warren Farrell Interview:  Men’s Magazine

The monkeys died.
Remember Psych 101, the sad lesson of the Rhesus monkeys who weren’t touched and failed to thrive?  From this we learned the importance of skin-to-skin contact.  Remember, Maslow’s conclusion that after basic needs of food, shelter & safety, human beings needed to feel a sense of  value, belonging & esteem?

Humans cannot go long if the needs of the body are not met.   If we don’t get oxygen, nourishment, water, exercise, and sleep our body systems will begin to fail.  After just a few days without sleep or water, our organs will begin to malfunction or shutdown.  We are very aware of our bodies need for basic care and feeding, yet we often go without that which killed the monkeys.

Our society has become hyper-sexualized, yet we touching less than ever.  Non-sexual touch seems to be reserved for small children, but the need to be touched is one we never outgrow.   A lack of physical affection, will affect our sense of well being–and like the monkeys, either we or our relationships will fail to thrive.

Our society has become so hyper-sensitized over sexual harassment, we have become over-cautious about touching each other.  Teachers no longer touch students, kids no longer touch their peers.  What used to be acceptable, has become taboo.  Sadly, new findings show that children who are touch-deprived tend to be more aggressive. Adolescents who are touch-deprived are prone to more inappropriate sexual behaviors. Simply stated, we crave touch.

The subject of hormones is mostly limited to those that affect gender differences.  The effects of estrogen & testosterone are blamed for every unpleasant behavior between puberty & menopause.  It’s as if we forget there are other chemical compounds affecting our moods and behavior.  The hormone we don’t talk about enough is oxytocin–AKA the bonding hormone.

Oxytocin is a hormone often associated with pregnancy and breastfeeding, but it is a naturally occurring chemical in both both men & women. It plays a vital role in sexual arousal and satisfaction, and has also been shown to reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and increase our feelings of affection. The mere act of touching increases our levels of oxytocin.  It is the reason we feel different when greeted with an embrace, instead of a handshake.

Here’s the point. Better sex starts with non-sexual touch. Women are more enthusiastic about sex when they feel fond of their partner. Regular non-sexual touch promotes both our feelings of attraction and affection toward our partner. Men generally do not touch as much as women, causing more distance in a relationship, because for men touching tends to be sexually motivated–instead of intending just to convey or nurture affection.

An inherent problem is that when young males have their first physical contact with girls, it is usually at an age when all touching makes them think “sex”.  By the time a man is engaged in a long-term relationship, he may have little experience with non-sexual touching and have fallen into thinking, SKIN + TOUCH = SEX.  Where as women instinctively communicate affection through touch, men become conditioned to think all touching is foreplay.

In order to recondition men to touch more, a woman must understand some of the basic qualities of men.

1.  Men are big, tough, strong and fragile.

They need to be reassured and need to know we adore them for whatever they do well.  (Even if what they do well is really lame.)   A  sincere & gushy compliment will disarm him, and cause him to feel all studly again. When men feel appreciated they are more affectionate.

2.  Men are really, really smart and clueless.

Acknowledge  and show gratitude when he does things you like such as rubbing your shoulders when he knows you’ve had a hard day or holding your hand in public.  If he never does those kinds of things naturally, spell it out.  Men do surprisingly well when given clear directions. Telling them you want him to put his arm around you when you watch TV is way more effective than waiting for him to come to that conclusion on his own.

3. Men are competent–when properly trained.
You gotta give to get.  If you want him to touch you, you have to touch him. To keep him from immediately assuming that every touch means, “She wants me.”  Use touch in situations where it is impossible to misconstrue intent. Greeting him with a hug, holding his hand at a PTA meeting, or giving him a kiss when he volunteers to run to the store, conveys affection causing him to start  dimming the lights. When he feels loved, he is more likely to respond in kind.

For the men readers, here is the summation.  She doesn’t want you when she doesn’t like you.  If you’re wondering why you’re not getting any, think outside the box. Touch, stroke, embrace. If you want hot-monkey love, you must make sure all your pet’s needs are properly met.

Some days I caution my male readers, lest they learn more than they wanted to know about women.  Today is not one of those days.  This one was written for the girls, but intended for the men.  Your mother told you romance wouldn’t last, but she failed to teach you why.  So, in the spirit of  No Man-Child left behind–I invite you to enter the world of tuition-free education.

For today’s Language Arts lesson, we will brush up on a vocabulary word that many men are still having trouble understanding.

Today’s word is romance.

The English language is filled with words that cause confusion.  There, their and they’re cause confusion.  Layed and laid trouble many.  Laying and lying can really get people in trouble.

[The teacher winks as she tells her class that “laying and lying” will be addressed another day--but for now back to today‘s subject.]

Romance is often confused with it’s closely related counterpart–sex.

Women want romance.  Men think they want it too.

Gentlemen!  You’ve already demonstrated your confusion, because you mistakenly thought when the woman said she wanted romance, she meant sex.

To clarify:  Sex can be romantic and romance can be sexy.  However, at no point is sex romance, conversely at no point is romance sex.

The confusion is understandable.  Both sex and romance are intimate expressions between two people who are very, very fond of each other–at least in theory.  Unfortunately, sometimes romance is used as a kind of currency exchanged for sex and vice verse.  (Sort of like that Euros and Francs things,  which is also confusing.)  There are also times when Euros, francs, and dollars are exchanged for sex, but I digress.

Just as every man wants to feel like a man, every girl, no matter how young or old, wants to be made to feel like a woman.

Here is a simple rule to help you remember what you need to know.

Sex is that which makes a man feel like a man–(Being able to provide for one’s loved ones does this too, but it’s not nearly as enjoyable.)

Romance is that which makes a woman feel like a woman–the kind of woman who is desired.

Still, sex & romance are both are short-lived.  Listed below is a list of things emblematic of romance.  I have included this so that you might consider the shelf-life of these items.  A list of sex comparables is not necessary.  You probably have an idea how long those last, though actual results may vary.

Flowers, candle-lit dinners, love songs, kisses, chocolates–each of these things has a very short lifespan.

Flowers die.

Candles burn.

Love songs and kisses are forgotten.

Chocolates disappear.  (Know one ever knows what happened to them.)

Expensive dinners end up in unfortunate places–we don’t even want to get into that.

Just like sex, they’re great, but they don’t last.  This is why romance is so fleeting.  Afterward the only thing left are the memories.  There’s the rub.  Just as men are not content to remember the last time they had sex, women are not content to remember how sweet the chocolates, they never touched were.  Therefore, to insure romance is not lost, romantic gestures must be repeated regularly.

Moving now into the subject of economics:  Men fail to see the value of things that don’t last.  (Too bad Craftsman doesn’t manufacture the things women really want.)   To men, most romantic gestures are too expensive and require an unnatural amount of effort.   Gentlemen, I assure you, the time and expense are both good investments.

Take flowers as an example.  Men have trouble understanding why they should pay $40 for for something that won’t  last a week.   Yes, it’s true flowers usually peak just before they start to go limp–not unlike something else, but try to buy $40 dollars of that “something else” and you’ll start to see what an excellent value flowers can be.  (Not that anyone’s buying or selling here, I’m just sayin’.)  If the flowers are very nice and given with a heartfelt sentiment you might get a better return on that $40 than you’d ever dreamed possible.  This is simple economics, not rocket science.

Of course flowers won’t work every time or on every woman.  That’s why you have to  mix it up.  Some good mixers are loving words, twilight walks, sentimental notes, sincere compliments, or being a good listener.  After you’ve mastered these, you might move on to picnic-in-a-secluded-place, the honey-I’ve-drawn-you-a-luxurious-bubble-bath, the weekend away or almost anything that surprises or delights.  When all else fails, try fine jewelry.

So here’s the take-away lesson.  Romance and sex are not the same.  You have to make her feel good, if you have any hope of having her make you feel good.  If you don’t  remember anything else, take note of this:  You know how often you want sex?  That’s approximately how often we want romance–though like you, we often settle for less.

Review, remember, practice.

Does everyone have a soul mate?
Is there only one?
Are there more than one?  Are there many?
How can you know if you’ve really found yours?
Is it possible to miss yours?
Is it possible to get someone else’s?

Questions like this aren’t everyone’s cup of philosophical drivel, but inherent in the idea of the “soul mate” are all kinds of cosmic implications–which are intertwined with one’s beliefs.  In my own values set; theology, family and sexuality are all very important, so the questions and answers overlap.

For those who believe that God knows all before it happens, there is no other reality than the one we ultimately end up living.  However, according to Christian theology we are all self-governing creatures guided by our own self will–so if we choose the wrong person with whom to procreate, are the wrong children born?
If we choose the wrong person does God re-route us like some kind of Divine GPS–or are we on the wrong path forever after?

We make choices–including choosing a life partner.  As our lives progress, we later have time to consider the choices we made, and the ones we didn’t make; causing us to consider what those choices might have meant.

How the interface between God the Omniscient and the rest of us hapless saps works is very mysterious–making the question of whether or not we have a predetermined life partner even more incomprehensible. Is this a “one-per-person” kind of deal?  If so, then choosing the wrong life partner could mean you’ve doomed someone else to a life of misery with the wrong person.

Most of us dream of finding our true soul mate.  Either vaguely and/or unconsciously we ask ourselves these questions.  Having a single soul mate suggests that the cosmos wants us all to be happily monogamous.  Women usually embrace monogamy a little easier than men.  For many men, the thought of ONE woman forever and ever is hard to embrace–causing them to drag their feet whenever they get anywhere near the altar.

Theoretically, if you’ve found YOUR soul mate, a perfect marriage should be assured.  Perfect marriage?  What’s that? I’d sooner believe I’d meet the real Santa.
Easy marriages are more the exception than the rule, so when marriage challenges us, we may begin to wonder if we married the wrong person..  Hmmm.  Is it possible you married your cousin’s soul mate or your neighbor’s?

This is the kind of stuff you don’t want to spend to much time thinking about–or pretty soon you‘ll be writing plots for the next version of the Twilight Zone.  I know this because I’ve given this too much thought.  As a result, I’ve come to some conclusions that are based on absolutely nothing of substance–which is one of the best parts of having a blog, people are actually willing to read the skewed stuff that falls out of my head.

That aside, here’s what I’ve concluded:  It is unlikely that we each have only one soul mate.  When we marry most of us are convinced there is one and that it happens to be the fancy-dressed person standing next to us.  Perhaps some marry thinking “This person is so wrong for me”, but I wasn’t invited to that wedding.

If there is only one, that’s really tough.  It’s a big world out there, and you could spend your entire life trying to sift through the chaff and/or chappies to find that person.  God help you if your single perfect match happens to be living in Jabootie, or one of those God-forsaken little Texas towns.

I prefer to believe that the number of possible soul mates is related to one’s ability to love.  Anytime you decide to commit to one person, there is a hell of a lot of failed humanity to embrace.  If you are a person with a great capacity to love you may have many possible soul mates.   A large, generous and gracious heart makes it much easier to connect intimately with another individual.  However, loving someone is never enough–if it were, there would be far less sad songs on the radio.

Finding someone you can fall in love with is the easy part–the harder part is finding someone who can truly love you.

So with apologies to Carl Sagan, I think it’s doubtful that the number of soul mates is determined by the cosmos.  I’m pretty sure it’s all about us.

The Clinton-era policy known as “Don’t ask. Don’t tell.”  seemed to make sense–don’t ask if you don’t want to know the answer; don’t tell if you don’t want to live with the consequences.  Unfortunately, Mr. Clinton didn’t always get things right in all his affairs.

Bill’s policy is probably more helpful to straight civilians, than it was to the men & women of our armed forces, because no matter how enlightened and empowered women become, they are still inclined to ask dangerous questions–landmine questions.
I’m not like everyone else, but there are a whole bunch of questions I’m not interested in asking or having answered.  Below are a list of ten such questions.

1.  Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Men like pretty women.  Get over it.  There will always be someone prettier.  Get over it.  I’ve long outgrown the “who’s the fairest of them all” game.  Most women can identify pretty women as well as a man can.  If there is a woman prettier than you, your life will not be enhanced by hearing it from the object of your desire.

2.  Do I look fat?
If you look fat, knowing won’t help you face the world.  Asking is dumb.  You‘ll either get an answer you don’t like, or an answer you can’t trust.  A smart man won’t tell you the truth, a dumb man won’t think fast enough to lie.  Additionally, hearing the answer may cause you to console yourself with a quart of Haagen Daz.  The following day, you will look fatter.

3.  Do you like this dress?
With a few exceptions–most of whom are gay, men aren’t dress experts.  If it shows enough skin, he’ll probably think it’s fabulous.  He won’t be able to tell you what color it is, but he’ll convince you it’s stunning.  If you really want to know if the dress is as cute as you thought, wear it somewhere there are cameras.  Cameras offer unyielding and unbiased objectivity.

4.  Did you love her?
Without knowing her, you can answer that for yourself.  At some point he “loved” her enough to be involved with her.  If she‘s history and you‘re current events, don’t cancel the future by dwelling on the past.

5.  Did you sleep with her?
If you want to be riddled with doubt or insecurity, ask this question and press for details.  That’s  so yesterday.  He’s with you now–it’s game on.   Stop thinking about it, you need your head in the game.

6.  Where do you see this going?
Initially, most men haven’t thought past the backseat or the bedroom.  If you want to know where it’s going, wait & see.

7.  Do you want to make love to me?
Puhleeeeez . . .is he gay?  Is he celibate?  If he’s not, this is a question you probably don’t need to ask.

8.  Was it good for you?
97% of the time, the answer will be an unequivocal “yes“.  If it’s not, there are other questions you need to be asking.

9.  Do you love me?
If he knows he does, he’ll probably tell you.  If he hasn’t told you, he may not be the guy for you.

10.  Why do you want to hang out with the guys, instead of me?
Men like and need to hang out with their boys.  One of many reasons?  Guys don’t ask questions like those above.

Any questions????

Deb’s Note: Obviously, I’ve only addressed my short list of  the “Don’t Ask” aspect.  The “Don’t tell” part is up to the men.  Smart men usually figure it out quickly.

Ever heard that old saying “Behind every good man, there’s a good woman”?

Over the years, variations of  this have appeared on everything from t-shirts to coffee mugs.

I’d like to propose the following variation.

Behind every badly behaving woman, there might be a good man.

I am always surprised when normally sweet & nurturing females turn into shrews–or worse.

It reminds me of a belief I hold.  Good relationships cause us to want to be better.  Bad relationships bring out our very worst, and least human qualities.

Some relationships start bad and get worse.  Most relationships start good, before going bad.    Many things can turn a good relationship bad.  One of the most common is when one, or both partners take each other for granted and/or fail to meet the others’ needs.

It’s the old male affair cliché.   Those who feel they aren’t  getting what they need at home, may be tempted to stray.

When I was growing up affairs were something that mostly men had.   I don’t know what changed, but it’s no longer just men who are having affairs.

Women who don’t get their emotional needs fed by the man they are with, will slowly become starved for the company or love they feel they deserve.

It’s a feeding disorder.  I call it  Manorexia.

If you’ve ever seen a cat which has been starved, you know what I’m talking about.   Once upon a time that sweet little kitten was cuddly and approachable.  Now that same cat has become defensive and menacing.  Seeing such, one knows instinctively to keep a safe distance.  Imagine a creature like that with a larger and highly developed brain—like that of the average adult female.  We’re talking real danger.

The need to be cared for is fundamental to all beings, but it affects women in a profound way.

Women who feel loved are lovable.  Women who feel desired are desirable.  Women who feel contempt are contemptible.

It’s not always a boyfriend or husband that fails to “feed” or care for woman.  Sometimes it’s a father or some other guy who has caused a kind emotional malnutrition in a young girl; the effects of which, can linger into adulthood.

In preparing for de blog, I talked to quite a few women who had become involved in affairs.

These weren’t bad women.  They were good women, who had been a little bad for a season.  As I canvassed those who were willing to talk about their affairs, I wanted to know what caused them to stray.    They all seemed to be saying the same thing.   It all came back to Manorexia–the feeding disorder.

Except with those for whom the affairs were retaliatory acts, I heard the same things over and over.  Women said they felt ignored or neglected.  Instead of feeling appreciated or desirable, they felt overlooked and undervalued.   The most often recurring word was “invisible.”  If you’ve ever felt invisible, you know what I’m talking about.

The trouble is invisibility doesn’t extend past the front door.  Women are not invisible to “other” men.  A woman who has been starving for attention is highly visible and vulnerable—especially to the men who would give them what they’ve been hungry for.

Sometimes when men forget to feed and tend their little pets, they often don’t even remember they’ve forgotten.

Over time, this neglect, can cause a very precarious situation for both parties.  Wish I knew how to remind the guys,  their little kitten might be crying out for a few strokes or some little treats, because I’ve seen what can happen when they forget.

Manorexia is not pretty.