The New Year’s celebration is one of my favorites.  Though my own celebration of New Year’s eve is minimal, I am very fond of this holiday which starts loudly in one year and winds down quietly in the next. It isn’t a religious or memorial holiday, yet it has a thoughtful profundity and an illogical optimism.  Like Fat Tuesday, it is a day when we absurdly indulge in things we hope to give up.   It is a  mile-post on life’s  journey, a point at which to assess how far we’ve come and speculate about what lies ahead.

Then first newspaper of the New Year is my favorite.  It usually features the best and worst of the previous year– including reminders of all the famous people who died.  It often features predictions for the coming year and an abundance of ads for stuff to help us keep our resolutions, like work-out equipment and organizers.  Perhaps there are folks who wake up the morning after drinking too much champagne, raring to buy a treadmill, the latest pair of New Balance, storage bins or shelf units, but I suspect most are more like me, who wake up thinking about stuff like mimosas and Eggs Benedict.

Regrettably, most of us meander through life with little thought of how our time is passing, but like birthdays, anniversaries, illnesses and deaths, each New Year provides another measure of how quickly our lives pass.  It is a  valuable reminder not to squander what will be gone too quickly, whether it be our vitality or our time with those around us.

We need those benchmarks.  There was a public figure the same age as I, whenever that person accomplished something newsworthy, it reminded me of how much a single individual can accomplish, but more importantly it reminded me of how little I had accomplished.  That person died a few years ago, and now serves only to remind me  how suddenly life can end.

However, like those times when it isn’t feasible to remodel so we settle for new paint or new curtains, sometimes overhauling our entire life isn’t practical.  Though there are many things I’d like to completely redo in my life, I content myself with making small changes I can manage, like setting the tone for the one to come.

Started the year with a new manicure and pedicure.  Nothing unusual about that, except since I tend to choose the same polish, month after month, I let my mani-pedi girl pick for me.   I would have never have chosen what she chose for me, as a result, I left her shop feeling like I was wearing someone elses’ fashion.  Two colors of glitter polish, may not sound that radical, but to me it was symbolic of being open to the whims and advice of others–especially those with more experience.

Though I am a naturally lucky person, I rarely gamble.  It seems gambling is a pastime which makes more losers than winners.  Nevertheless, I bought a lottery ticket.  Had it been a winning ticket, I could have told myself it was a fortuitous omen for the coming year, but since it served only to make my pocket lighter, I discarded it along with the many other disappointments of 2011.

I bought myself a new coffee maker, a sort of Christmas gift to myself, but in keeping with the “out with the old and in with the new” thing, I waited until Jan, to try it. Trying to figure out how to disassemble and reassemble it, the first time, could almost fill another blog post, but this first challenge of The New Year, was a good reminder of how important it is to be open to change and ready to learn new ways of doing familiar things.

As I drank my coffee, I reflected on the past year, a Christmas season in which I gave myself a vacation from the expectations of others and allowed myself to do things to restore my sense of self.  I replayed events in a year, including many dealings with tradesmen and tenants.  Reflecting on those experiences inspired me to make a single resolution.

Having been often taken advantage of by those to whom I was too nice, I resolved to be meaner.  Not more assertive, not more aggressive, just less nice.  I don’t like mean people and certainly don’t want to become one, but  people take advantage of nice people.  I can’t help being kind, it’s in my nature, but after having too many experiences in which I felt I shouldn’t have been so nice, I decided to try harder to be mean.  Chances are I’ll fail, but I’m guessing I won’t be the only one who doesn’t keep their resolutions.

Time-saving tips.  I wish I had a minute for every time I’ve seen that phrase on the cover of a magazine.  In fact, I’d be happy just to reclaim the time spent reading things written on how to save time, because saving time isn’t like saving other things.  If you save something tangible like rubber bands or butter containers, eventually you’ll end up with more than you can ever use, but try to save time all year long and come the holidays, you’ll still won’t have any leftover.

Every holiday as I try to have a perfect holiday mindset despite having too much to do, I wonder if this is how Santa feels.  Does he worry that maybe Mrs. Santa won’t like her present or does he just sit back while the elves feel the pressure?   All I want is enough time to be able to relax and enjoy the season, instead feeling like the holidays is just a series of December deadlines.

Because of this I’ve given up some of the things that used to be the preamble to Christmas.  I gave up sending Christmas cards, because it was too time-consuming to write every friend a personalized note and an inefficient waste of  wood pulp & postage, to send cards with only a signature.  I have also given up mall-shopping.  Whereas, shopping used to find me wandering in retail wilderness like one on a vision quest, spending until everyone was crossed off the list, I now rely on the internet to deliver the perfect item for each person, while I stay home.  The old me would have still been shopping on December 23, but the new me is already putting the presents under the tree.

If  you are still looking for some last minute gifts, here are some of my picks.  You’re running out of time, but fortunately many online retailers are will still guarantee delivery by Christmas.

For the iPad and Kindle users, Novel Jackets are mock book covers designed to protect your iPad or Kindle and available in more than a dozen title designs to suit your tastes.  $39-49.   Available from Herrington.

Got a wine lover on your list?  These stainless steel bottles are ready to go on a picnic, to the slopes, or any where carrying a glass bottle  isn’t practical.   Trekker Wine Carafes available from Sahalie.

For the girl who has everything, but doesn’t want it all showing, the Hip-T is simple, but brilliant.  This is the perfect little stop-gap for that space between the low-rise jeans and a baby doll t-shirt, eliminating bum cleavage and muffin top.  Available in many various colors and patterns, priced at around $20.  from My Hip-T

From budget to spendy, Smoking Hookah offers many unique backgammon sets, like this one inlaid with exotic woods.

With so many fabulous  items a click away, it’s easier than ever to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list.

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No matter where it came from, sometime after college where your degree came from may be largely irrelevant, and no matter what it cost, there may be times it holds no value.    Whenever someone asks me where I was educated, I’d like to say boiler rooms, bars, cheap motels, jails*, and the inner city.  Instead, I politely name the university I attended.

Recently, I had a conversation with a medical specialist.  We were discussing the merits of old doctors vs. new doctors.  On the one hand is the young doctor freshly educated, well-versed in the  newest techniques and the latest findings, everything he’s learned is still at the front of his brain.   On the other  hand is the older practitioner, who has probably forgotten many of the things he’s learned, and may still be employing practices now considered obsolete, but his arsenal of tools includes the years of experience  which add up to more than all he learned in med school.  He knows much more than the most competent of his younger colleagues.

The very best doctors I’ve known fall mostly in that first category, but those who fall between newly hired and soon retired often represent the best of both worlds, because expertise and knowledge are gained two ways.  Not just in fields like medicine, but in all aspects of life there are two methods by which we are educated:
A. Learn stuff
B. Do stuff

As I watch what’s happening in our country, I worry about education, our economy and the future.   I also fear for those who would occupy Main Street, as one day they will be the middle-aged and/or the middle class.  Many of these young college-educated visionaries are frustrated over not being able to find good jobs.  I understand their frustrations, because I’ve been there.  After college, I often found the only jobs available, were those for which I was over-qualified and/or underpaid.  At those times, the value of a paycheck, always trumped the value of a college degree.

As a result, my own job history is one that doesn’t reflect my skills or aspirations.  In fact, based on my  resume, it’s a wonder anyone would hire me.  Over the years, I’ve worked here and there, doing this or that.  I took some jobs because they were available when nothing else was.  I’ve done all kinds of things, from cleaning toilets to telemarketing, from working in pubs to public radio, from being a producer of illustrations to being the shop-girl who framed them.  From offices to strip malls to shipyards, I’ve worked in places ranging from the gritty inner city and the hipper Silicon Valley.

I was under-qualified for some of the positions I’ve held, but over-qualified for most of them.  Nevertheless, I learned more about being a competitive, as a waitress, as I did in college. I learned more about people through involvement with charities, than a four-year degree in sociology or psychology than a degree would have taught me. I learned more about business by watching the successes and failures of others, than Management 101 could have taught me.  Through individuals and experiences, I have gained an unconventional, but extensive education.

The occupiers are convinced they have no future, unless they can make the rest of us atone for the  mistakes they believe we’ve made.  Most of them are too young to remember, when some of those who now occupy the jobs on
Wall Street, occupied Woodstock.  I too was once like them, full of ideas about what my future would look like. My vision didn’t include moving into California during a dismal recession or ending up in towns with very few employment opportunities.

If only those of us who remember what it was like to be inexperienced and full of untested ideas, would join their encampments.  We could stand on milk crates and share the things we’ve learned, but there would be no point.  They wouldn’t listen, because they believe everything they need to know they learned at university. Many of of them have yet to realize the most valuable education is gained outside the classroom. If they really want to do something to change things, they need to get out and DO the things that will change things–at which time they will know the difference between the right to a job and the right to succeed.   Though the ideas taught in a classroom are important, it is only when those ideas are tested that we become educated.

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*I have never been in jail, but I have spent time in jails with those who were.

Mama tried.

She did her best to teach me all kinds of old-school niceties, like not wearing white after Labor Day, and knowing better than to wear a shoe colored lighter than my hem. She dressed me in ruffles and taught me to speak Catholic fluently. She imparted to me a knowledge of things like shrimp forks & demitasse spoons. Some of it stuck, not all of it useful, but I’ve yet to mistake a finger bowl for a cup of consommé.

Unfortunately, her vision for me didn’t mesh with my personality. Early on, God & I both knew I’d never be the proper Catholic girl she was cultivating. It wasn’t that she wasn’t a good teacher, it’s just I had my own ideas.

When it comes to indoctrination, I’m not a good student, and though the media has done it’s best to pick up where Mom left off, I’m still not making the grade. Whether it’s the aptitudes or attitudes, no number of talking heads, educators or civic leaders has been able to turn me into a virtuous woman.  If I’d applied myself, perhaps by now, I might have mastered the lessons, but I’m still struggling with modern-day virtues–stuff like peace, tolerance and diversity.

PEACE  -  It sounds so  nice, it should be easy.  Blessed are the peacemakers.  Does that include those who fly sorties? I hate conflict and fighting, but the concept of peace confuses me. I see bumper stickers reminding me to “Visualize World Peace“, but visions of crack-pot dictators with nuclear weapons always break my concentration. Maybe Adderall would help me believe anti-American zealots and I are only three cups of tea from being friends.

TOLERANCE – I should be a whiz at this.  My Libertarian leanings make me naturally respectful of others AND I’m married. (Nobody stays married very long, without tolerance.)  However, anyone who has ever picked up the dirty dishes or dirty clothes of a spouse, will attest, tolerance doesn’t mean embracing the other’s right to be a slob.  It’s a coping mechanism–a way to survive and coexist, but nothing about tolerance translates to love,  respect or approval.  Tolerance is forfeiting what would please, to while enabling what offends.  The entire tolerance concept is akin to driving down a one-way street. It is imperative that you go with the flow, even if you never wanted to head that direction.

DIVERSITY – I should have aced this subject.  I love almost everyone.  I rarely get bored with people, because we aren’t all the same, but it shouldn’t take a think-tank or policy to know embracing our commonalities makes for more unity, than focusing on our differences.  There was a time when being American was like being on an all-star team drawn from many sources.  We weren’t all from the same, and we weren’t all from the same place, but we were all on the same side.  However, if the pitchers and catchers don’t work together or if the starters don’t appreciate the second string, the team begins to fragment.  Diversity is good, but when we allow ourselves to be so self-absorbed, as to only recognize our own position, it’s only a matter of time before we forfeit the game to become free-agents of disenfranchisement.

There’s no hope for me.  Someone else will have to save the world.  I learned the catechism, but I failed to adopt the virtues.  I believe all God’s children got a little bit o’ soul and I’ve learned to put up with other peoples’ stuff, but just as when I was young, I’m still held captive by my own ideas.

If you want to look good every day, three must-have items are: the right shoes, the right bra, and the right jeans.  Since bras and jeans can make or break your shape, perfect fit is essential. If only bras & jeans were as easy to fit as shoes!  Considering how much much less needs to fit into a bra, than a pair of jeans, bra shopping is easy by comparison.    Despite this, bra experts say 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra.  Not sure how they determined this, but it made me wonder ow many women are wearing the wrong jeans.

Think about it–the area from the ankle to the waist is at least 60% of the body, yet we‘re expected to find something something off-the-rack that mimics the size and shape of a body unlike anyone else’s with sportscar-like ability for hugging curves.
A jeans-buying expedition isn’t just a shopping trip,it’s a quest for perfection, as we search for a pair that will make us look and feel amazing.

There are hundreds of brands and styles, yet we all have days when it seems none are crafted for a body like the one we see in the fitting-room mirror.  Even Levi’s, who should be the world’s foremost expert on jeans, recently came up with yet another line for those who can’t find good fit among their other 170 styles.

The good news is this season’s trends in jeans should make get the right fit easier, but the bad news is that this season’s jeans may not be very flattering.  According to the trend-spotters, high-waists and wide legs are back–didn’t we just finish eradicating “mom” jeans? Is it possible the designers responsible are trying to sabotage us by reinventing unattractive?  Or are they they just unnaturally attached to their “mommys”?

There are countless numbers of articles written on how to pick the right jeans, but in seasons with unfortunate fashions, the focus should be on NOT wearing the wrong jean.  At times like these, a good mirror, a ruthlessly honest girlfriend and a few tips are helpful.

No matter your height or shape, the length and leg of  your jeans is important.  On their way out, are the recently popular” skinny jeans”.  This trend was one an average figure would work, but they made the very thin look spindly and the more fuller figured appear to be in danger of toppling.  Now it seems we’re going to the opposite extreme, with wide legs that should be reserved for pianos & pachyderms.  Aren’t most of us trying to look as long and lean as possible?  Is there anyone out there who has enthusiasm for jeans that will make them look shorter and thicker?

If you want to wear the wider styles this season, opt for flared legs cut a little closer to the contour of the upper leg, like flares or bells.  To get the longest line, pair them with a delicately tapered or pointed shoe.

Now that jeans come in different rises, there is no reason to be wearing jeans that are too tight or too loose in the waist.  Whereas having a small waist is almost always a good thing, when it comes to jeans  a tiny waist with an ample derriere can be problematic.   Brands like Apple Bottoms and L.E.I. are cut for more curve, but if a small waist is an issue, go for mid-rise to show off the booty without having it spoiled by a poorly fitting waist band.  For those who have small waists with less curve, low-rise jeans can create an illusion of a curvier figure by accentuating the hip.

Pay attention to the cut as well as the material.  There are many lines which use Lycra or Spandex to help minimize figure flaws.  The days when “stretch” jeans were guaranteed to accentuate the wrong things or make ripples where you didn’t want them are long gone, the newer blends have just enough “give”, to cuddle your curves.

If you aren’t as cheeky as you wish you were, highly embellished pockets can work in your favor, by adding bulk while creating an illusion of more. Pockets placed lower can help downplay a butt that isn’t as high as it used to be. but unless you’re under thirty (or look like you are) over embellished or novelty pockets are best left in the left in the Juniors shop.

Trendy washes and finishes come and go.  Whiskered, color rinsed, grunge wash, sharkskin, metallics–there’s always some new novelty, but when the trend is gone, those dated jeans should be too. Enjoy what’s current, but keep in mind smoother darker finished denims in less a trouser cut can go anywhere.

Finally, be fickle.  Unless you have a brand of jeans that never fails, experiment.  Don’t be so locked into what you’re used to, that you miss out on something better, and don’t be a slave to brands or styles that don’t work on you.  Hot brands and high-priced designer tags do not guarantee of a better looking jean.  Most importantly, don’t let vanity cause you to buy jeans that aren’t the right size.  No matter what the tag says, if it doesn’t fit great, it’s not your size.

Your body is uniquely your own.  No matter what everyone else is wearing, choose what makes you look and feel your best!

When it comes to travel, there are planners and there are wingers.  Because travel should be an adventure, I am a winger.

Packing for a trip turns some into O.C.D. Girl Scouts, who attempt to anticipate and be prepared for anything from missed connections to zombie apocalypse.  Wingers don’t have that problem, in fact we never pack diarrhea medicine or photocopies of credit cards. We know we can rely on other travelers to have a sewing kit, first-aid kit or rain poncho.

I came across a list of expert packing tips recently.  Along with the usual, this list advised not to pack holes with socks when traveling to Japan. This made me wonder if there are countries where one should pack socks with holes.  If that’s useful information, I have some of my own to share.

Getting in and out of an airport is often the most challenging part of a trip, so unless you are the type who always arrives early, never carry more than you can  manage during an O.J.Simpson-like sprint through a crowded terminal.  If you don’t have luggage with wheels yet, you might consider replacing the set you got for graduation.
Incidentally, when it comes to luggage, red is the new black.  After baggage claim areas became a sea of nearly identical black bags, many travelers began choosing easy-to-spot red.  Now the baggage carousels  resemble checker sets–alternating red & black.  If you are shopping for luggage, consider something distinctive, like chartreuse, sunflower, or puce.

If you have a black bag you’re not ready to replace, you can used colored masking tape for a low-budget customization.  Shown here are some possibilities like, Domestic Flight Domo,  Ghetto Gucci, or The Rasta-Wayfarian.

Vacation is supposed to be fun, right?

Speaking of fun, you know who needs to lighten up and have some?  TSA.  Just once, I’d like to fill  my bra with something unexpected like a puppy or water balloons full of goldfish, or maybe put some  Play- Doh in my pants to make that pat-down more interesting.  Unfortunately, TSA is not known for its sense of humor, so I do my best to be humorless, I wear easy-on/easy off shoes, and save my best terrorist jokes for other venues.

Though some still prefer an over-sized shopping bag that won’t fit in the  overhead bin, wingers need a more practical carry-on bag.

Mine needs to accommodate everything I’d rather not check, my laptop, camera, jewelry, toiletries and cowboy boots.  Being a winger, I only carry an extra change of clothes when traveling for business, since the likelihood of having one’s luggage delayed or lost is relatively small.  However, if you are a more cautious type, you can always throw a change of undies in your purse.  In the event of a mid-air mishap, your mother will be comforted knowing you had clean underwear.

Getting ready for a trip can be hectic.  If you don’t have time to do laundry before a trip, throw all the dirty clothes you’d like to wear in a suitcase.  Take the suitcase to the nearest Fluff & Fold to be laundered.  When you drop it off, apologize profusely that you don’t have a proper laundry basket.  When you return, you’ll have a suitcase full of neatly folded clean clothes.  Voila! It’s just like when Mom sent you off to camp.

No matter what kind of traveler you are, you can’t be prepared for everything, but you should be ready for anything.  If you can’t travel light, aim for traveling light-heartedly.  Leisure travel shouldn’t be stressful, so do your best to enjoy whatever unplanned adventures arise.

Overheard in a used bookstore: “The trouble with these books is they’re so literary.”

The remark struck me as funny, but it probably shouldn’t have.  Granted, I was in Bullhead City, AZ, but when it comes to books we don’t all like the same things.   Some books are good enough almost anyone can enjoy them–as evidenced by the Harry Potter series, but there are many books that aren’t as easy to enjoy.  I read lots of books, as a result, I end up reading some that aren’t very good.

When it comes to books, you are either a reader or you aren’t. Because I am a reader, I enjoy combing the shelves of places where used books are sold.  I could save money by going to libraries, but that wouldn’t allow me enough time form the same relationships with books. To me, starting a book is a commitment to see it through to the end.  Sort of like a marriage, though we begin with a preconceived notion of what’s to come, unless we stick with it, we have no idea how it will end.  When a book starts poorly, I keep reading, in the hope it will get better, but as with relationships, some books are just more satisfying than others.

It is my assumption, that most of those who read de blog are probably “readers”, but since nobody has time to read everything, I read books looking for bits of not-to-be missed brilliance, with my readers in mind.    (No need to thank me, but I’ve saved you tons of money and time you might have spent reading some awful books.)

Over the past several months, I’ve read dozens of books about men, women, and relationships.  A few stand out.  If I had a library, instead of using the Dewey Decimal System, I’d use a system like the one employed at a certain store, where I used to rent videos.  One of their employees took it upon himself to personally share his opinions about the videos he had viewed.  If he had scrawled on the vinyl case, “Clayton recommends”, customers could be reasonably sure the movie was worth watching.

My library would have “Should be Mandatory” sections.  I’d chose some books for young people who know nothing of history &  politics, and other books for those who believe they know everything of those subjects.  I’d probably recommend some books on religion to those who have no faith, and some secular books to those who only read theology.

But who needs a library, when having a blog offers the same egotistic opportunity to tell others what they should read?   So since summer vacation is the perfect time to pick up a good book, here’s de blog’s summer reading list.  No matter what your current relationship status, there is something for everyone on this list.  Not only that, but each book is chock-full of worthwhile for those seeking a new or improved relationship.

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough – by Lori Gottlieb
This one tops my list because it’s incredibly well-researched and is actually fun to read.  Bestselling author, Lori Gottlieb provides answers to why fabulously-eligible women sometimes have trouble finding their dream man.  Lori shares her own experiences as she explores online dating services, tries her luck with a matchmakers, and seeks the help of a dating coach.  It’s a fascinating look at ways women sabotage their chances with great guys.  If you aren’t smarter after reading this book, you might as well just start talking to yourself and collecting stray cats.

He’s Just Not Your Type (and that’s a good thing):  How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It by Andrea Syrtash
This book is a natural follow up to the one suggested above.  The author suggests that if all your relationships end the same way, it might be because you keep dating the same type of guy.  Ms. Syrtash encourages women to get out of their comfort zone, by dating the guys who aren’t their type.  (It worked for me.)

The End of Sex, Erotic Love after the Sexual Revolution by George Burr Leonard
Don’t tell anyone, but I like sex.  Can’t blame me, I was raised after sex, drugs & rock & roll replaced the mores of my parents’ generations with an openness that changed everything.  Suddenly sex was plentiful, cheap & easy.  Unfortunately, sometimes cheap lacks quality.  When our society traded quality for quantity, it was at the cost of the three M’s–the magic, the mystique and meaning of sex.  The author  makes a great case for monogamy as a source of exciting challenge and adventure.  I read this book every few years, because when it comes to sex, I’m a 3M kind of girl.

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
The title of this book may be off-putting, but it’s not as it sounds. While women may believe being submissive is a virtue, being too agreeable can subvert a relationship.  This book isn’t really about being bitchy, as much as it’s about not being so desperately weak as to allow oneself to be walked on like a doormat.   Women, being naturally accommodating, often put up with stuff they shouldn’t.   Between the covers of this book is the lesson (or reminder) there is such a thing as being too nice.  It’s all about getting respect, because a woman who is properly respected, needn’t be bitchy.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch,  Ph.D.
I’ve read plenty of books about sex, intimacy & romance, but most of them give the same advice  . . be open to new things, tell your partner what you like…ZZZzzzzzzzz….If you’re past that, you’ve probably already realized it’s possible to have great sex within the confines of a not-so-great relationship, or a great relationship that isn’t sexually satisfying.  This book is for those who want to enjoy both a great relationship and great sex.  If sex makes you uncomfortable, this may not be the book for you, then again, it might.

Being a Woman: Fulfilling Your Femininity and Finding Love by Dr. Toni Grant
There are way too many books out there suggesting female perfection will eliminate marital woes.  When I came across this book, the photo of the author with her perfectly-styled hair had me fully prepared to be wading through another volume of tips women gave daughters in previous generations.  Fortunately, the days of housewives who wore pearls to vacuum are over–if they every existed.

Being a wife or mother in a post-feminist society presents new challenges to the role of a woman.  Dr. Grant acknowledges ways feminism has changed our roles, while also realizing women aren’t all the same.  She offers suggestions for balancing every aspect of a woman’s multi-dimensional personality, while still being the kind of woman a man will adore.

Okay that’s my list.  These savvy books are too good to be returned to the library or sold back to the used bookstore.  If you find any of these titles of interest, it is my sincere hope you’ll enjoy them and learn useful things from them.  Because I found the first book listed above to be particularly brilliant, I will be sharing my interview with author Lori Gottlieb soon.  Lori has written for a host of publications including, Glamour, People,  Mademoiselle, Atlantic Monthly, Redbook,  Time, Self and Elle. (In other words, this babe has it going on!)   In the meantime, I wholeheartedly recommend “Marry Him” to any woman who is frustrated by dating.

Ahhh, June…a wonderful month with the end of school and the beginning of summer, but for June brides, it can also the beginning of a new life adventure–a wonderful or terrifying adventure.

This June marked my 21st year of marriage.  Considering, more than two decades ago, I walked down the center aisle of a small church wondering if it would last, I suppose it’s remarkable, but considering the 50+ year marriages of my parents’ generation, it doesn’t seem like much.

A favorite Mexican proverb says “Cuando una mujer es lo suficientemente madura para escoger a un compañero correcto, ella ya ha estado casada por años”. Roughly translated, it means “By the time a woman is old enough to choose a good mate, she has been married for years.”  Or as  Dr. David Schnarch says in his book, Passionate Marriage, “Nobody is ready for marriage–marriage makes you ready for marriage.”

Someone recently wrote a bio on me, in which I was called an expert on marriage.  I laugh each time I think of it.  It seems to be a contradiction in terms, as the only individuals arrogant enough to think they are experts on marriage are most-likely single.  Whether it is our successes, or our failures which make us expert, learning about marriage isn’t easy. I’ve learned a few things along the way, but I know way more about weddings, than marriages.

I couldn’t count the number of weddings I’ve attended.  As a child I attended the weddings of people my parents knew, later came the weddings of my own friends, now I am often invited to the weddings of my friends’ children.  Over the years, I’ve seen weddings in all sizes and colors.  I’ve attended weddings built around holiday themes–Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Christmas, and even Halloween.  I’ve witnessed marriages in small living rooms, and great churches.  I’ve been served obscenely-expensive food on fine china at some weddings, and potluck grub on paper plates at others.

At this point, I’d like to think I’m sort of an expert on weddings–not a Martha Stewart or Colin Cowie expert, but still very much a wedding aficionado.  Every wedding is different, but whether the bride & groom are wearing silk or denim, they are optimistic believers in the happily-ever-after.   Almost without exception, there will be two people who believe they can go the distance, but I’ve attended weddings where even the bride & groomed seemed to know they were doomed before the Bridal Chorus began. One such wedding, was on  where the groom was conspicuously absent from the reception. At another, the bride was shouting obscenities at the groom within moments of tying the knot–or perhaps the noose.

When I truly believe the couple is doomed, I usually send an R.S.V.P with a lovely card, but who can know which couples will succeed or which will fail?   How some couples eke out years of marital bliss, despite the head-scratching of friends; is a one of those intimate secrets that only some couples know.  Like the secret oath of a fraternity, you will not learn those secrets, unless you are inducted into the very exclusive Benevolent Order of The Happily Married.

But enough about marriage–on the big day it’s all about the dresses, decorations, and flowers; a very auspicious celebration for things yet unknown. It is much ado for the “I do”.  If we understood what was ahead, perhaps we’d be less inclined to eat cake and toast champagne with such jubilant capriciousness.  We often imagine that marriage will be an unending romantic state, but it’s often far from romantic, challenging even those with the most impeccable qualities.

Perhaps God was afraid of letting me raise a girl, as I have only sons.  That’s too bad, because if I had a daughter, I’d save her some trouble by teaching her some of the useful things I’ve learned about men, life and marriage.  I’m not jaded or cynical, just experienced.  I tell girlfriends planning weddings, not to listen to me, lest my remarks persuade them to call it off.

I don’t regret having married, but I am often astounded at how difficult it can be to live in harmony with another human being.  The fundamental differences between men & women, as well as those of each individual’s personality, guarantee the joys in marriage will be tempered with the challenges of reconciling those differences.

Marriage is sharing, and while that sounds very nice, even small children understand sharing means giving up stuff you’d rather keep.  You give up some of your stuff in return for some of their stuff.  That’s great, if their stuff includes things like a generous inheritance or a beach house in Malibu, but it is more likely their stuff is at least one family member you won’t like, and furniture you can’t decorate around. Of course, they get half of your stuff, which means they get to embrace your oddball behaviors and the mismatched pieces of your emotional baggage, which will be the wrong style, but still enough to guarantee that as a couple you’ll have a full set.

For each and everyone who is bold enough to stand in front of family and friends pledging their all–I have one thing to say GOOD LUCK.  You’ll need it!

When we are very young, we look forward to being older.  Once we’re grown, it loses some appeal.  There isn’t much I miss about being a kid.  I’m glad I conquered my fear of boy-cooties, and glad my mother doesn’t dress me anymore, but except for being able to eat cookies without thinking about calories, or being forced to take a daily nap, the only thing I really miss is the do-over.

A miss at jump rope, a ball bouncing through the hopscotch,  or a bee interfering in a game of jacks,  could all be fixed with a do-over.  The do-over granted another chance, one which would hopefully have a better outcome. Grown-up life would be almost as carefree as childhood, if everything we did, came with a do-over.

Our lives are full of choices, actions and decisions.  Some are the result of careful consideration, others happen without reason.  Unfortunately, no matter how things happen, there are times when a do-over would be helpful.  Imagine having a do-over for financial matters like your 401K or credit card debt.  Being given a chance to erase mistakes, would eliminate the need for condoms, divorce lawyers and auto-insurance.  It would largely keep our closets skeleton-free.

Starting life over after a divorce, relocating to a different city, going back to school because you want something different, even rehab can all be a do-overs, but unlike those of the playground, they don’t erase the past. Unfortunately, even with a do-over, there is always the possibility of a worse outcome.  It’s risky to bet on a better oucome, because it requires weighing our current known situation, against unknowns.  The older we are, the more difficult it can be to consider starting over mid-life.

Leaving the past behind, takes tremendous courage.  If you are faced with such a decision, you may even wonder if it’s possible to reinvent yourself.  A person considering returning to school, may consider how old they will be when they finish, but getting older will happen whether or not we make changes.  While, it might be scary to put our lives on hold to pursue something we want, it is sadder to resign ourselves to staying in a situation, because of the fear of failure.

We don’t always get it right.  Sometimes we need a Mulligan.  The second chance isn’t always better, but we never know unless we try.  If we get it wrong, we can always hope we haven’t used all our do-overs.