Meeeeeoooooooow . . . wow!
Over the past few months, I didn’t have the luxury of reading for pure enjoyment, because the time ordinarily spent, was taken up with other reading. In an attempt to reestablish my reading-for-pleasure habit, I combed my bookshelf for an easy read. First book chosen, was about the psychology of happiness. Not bad. Not great. Not very engrossing. It was informative, mostly asserting that some people are happier than others. (242 pages to tell me this?) I’d already come to that conclusion, and since I’m pretty happy, it wasn’t very helpful.
After putting that book aside, I spied another title that seemed a sure-thing–Extraordinary Sex Now.
I chose this book with same kind of discrimination, I employ with almost every other book I buy–in other words, none. About 70% of the titles I read are thrift store-born whims. This particular book seemed a better-than-average value. $1.50 for extraordinary sex??? How could I possibly go wrong?????
Just finished it. It was about as helpful as the book on happiness–mostly an extraordinary waste of time. Apologies to the author, but this book is about having what I would consider ordinary sex. By ordinary, I mean sex, in which dysfunction does not play a hindering role. It was closer to duller sessions of marriage counseling, than it was to inspiration for extraordinary intimacy.
The book suggested that my partner and I would more-or-less fit in one of four animal categories; lion, otter, bear, or bee. Near as I can tell, I’m a lion. No, I think I’m an otter. Wait, maybe I’m an otter with lion traits–or a lion with otter tendencies. It was easier to figure out what I wasn’t, than what I was, and it started me thinking about another animal-type that I’m not—the Cougar.
The Cougarrific lifestyle has become very trendy. I’m not in the dating scene, but even if I were, I think it’s safe to say I have NO cougar tendencies. I have a couple of girlfriends who are seeing younger men. If it works for them, I’m all for it, but in general, I’m not a fan of the older woman/younger man dynamic.
Call me old-fashioned, but to me, it smacks of mother/son. Women can’t help but nurture, which is great, but when it turns parental, it seems like dysfunction. This isn’t always true, but I’ve seen many examples of the older woman/younger man relationship falling into that pattern. To me a guy who partners with someone who “mothers” him, just doesn’t seem very manly.
I think in most cases, the Cougar “thing” is usually about Stella getting her groove back. It’s about having a good time and feeling desired. In those instances, I’d say it’s more a therapeutic stop-gap, than a real partnership.
A guy friend suggested to me, that the trend was the response of more liberated and less inhibited mature women who weren’t ready to stop living. Some of these women, upon finding themselves available at later ages, also discover the men in their own age group are settling down. It seems that after a certain age, many men begin starting to enjoy nesting & resting, more than going for the gusto; and too many of them seem to prefer weekends with the remote to weekends in remote locales.
In an era when women are enjoying more freedom, more economic independence and are better able to keep themselves feeling attractive, fit, and vital; the desire to be desired and fulfilled is larger than it was for previous generations. Not only that, but today’s woman is more sexual than ever, causing many to crave physically fulfilling relationships. Who wouldn’t?
Still, even when I was much younger, I wanted a man of a certain maturity–a man, not a guy who was still trying to become one. I remember too well, the insecurities and unsure qualities of 20-something guys. Been there. Done that. No thanks. For me, there isn’t anything more attractive than a man with his own well-defined sense of self.
That aside, there are other reasons it wouldn’t work for me. Trying to imagine it, I’m seeing how even a casual dinner date might be problematic.
Sitting across a table listening to the conversation of a man who has been through some stuff, seems like a more interesting evening, than having to listen to the idealism of a man with limited life-experience. Even if dinner wasn’t tediously boring, there would be the matter of the check. It’s been years since I’ve picked up my own tab–except with girlfriends. If I were with a younger man, I might have to. I might be old enough to be a Cougar, but I might also be too old to want to remember how to calculate a tip. Even if I felt differently, if we couldn’t get through dinner, there probably wouldn’t be much chance of things going further.
So to all the Cougar gals—-girrrrrl, your boyfriend looks good. Rrrrrl! There is nothing as visually delightful as the unspoiled beauty of youth, but it’s nothing compared to the assured, seasoned attractiveness men acquire with time. So, while you may catch me watching one of those young bucks walking past, for this lioness, there’s still something about an old stag.
_____________________________
1. Scandling, Sandra R. (1998) Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couples Guide to Intimacy
Doubleday.
Deb’s note: Our country was built with the foundational ideal that happiness is worth pursuing. Though I can’t recommend the book mentioned above, if you’re committed to being happy, I encourage you to read Dennis Prager’s book “Happiness is a Serious Problem”. It’s cheap, easy to read, readily available, AND it’s chock full of life-changing goodness!
23 Responses to “Meeeeeoooooooow . . . wow!”
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Having made one foray from kitty cat to cougar, I highly recommend it. Once. He is 33, I am 43 and he was attracted to me,he said,by my self-confidence. I was attracted to him…because he was VERY pretty, and because he was attracted to me.
Truth? It was a blast. Then, I wanted to have an actual conversation. Hoo, boy.
Gimme a man with some years on him. Preferably a few hard ones. Give me a man I can talk to about the pre-MTV years. Or even the years when MTV actually played music videos. Someone who remembers when all a cell phone did was make calls. I need that common ground to complete the connection.
As an aside, all the staying-power in the world means nothing without some skill to back it up. And men my age have SERIOUS skills. Meow.
Just like always, you’ve pretty much said it all! Meooooow!
Good blog.
I remember hearing comedian Bobcat Goldthwait talk about a woman he was dating that was in her 20s. He happened to ask where she was when Kennedy was shot, and she said she wasn’t born yet. I wasn’t sure how Bobcat wasn’t able to do that math in his head.
But, I thought if a younger person ever dated an older person that WAS somewhere when Kennedy was shot, they should come up with an answer, too. They should say, “I was at the snack bar, getting a Cherry Coke and nachos.” When the older person says, “What? What do you mean?” The younger person can explain, “When I saw JFK in the theatres.”
If someone asks me, that question, I’m so gonna use that. Thanks for the laugh!
Great blog….very entertaining!
Not having experienced a LaDona type tryst, I can only imagine how fun it would be, though short lived. A mental connection is more sensual and alluring than the physical.
We should not be surprised at all with the phenomenon we call The Cougar. As adroitly mentioned above, a decade into our new post, post modern century we see women catching up to men in so many arenas – it was just a matter of time they would get into the Spring/Autumn romance game.
Reasons it’s taken so long? Exhaustive studies could keep scores of tenured professors in the research goo for decades, but I’m sure the reasons are far more basic than we might guess – one representative word: Botox.
It’s truly not fair, but women are not given the same aging grace as men. I’m not talking appearance nor genes, I’m talking public acceptance. Who doesn’t think Sean Connery didn’t look better as he grew gray? That dude has made it difficult for many of us younger stags – women swoon. Go figure.
Books have been written, movies shot and minds have waxed poetic about the seasoned gent entering his mid-life crisis, which often involves a nubile cutie. In fact you’re better than 90% likely to observe this behavior in small airports all over the globe; the silver-haired aviator and his blond arm candy – I’m tellin’ ya, it’s cliché.
However, take ANY actress who we’ve witnessed pass through the time tunnel (save Sophia Loren), and what guy hasn’t thought “Wow, she’s getting old.”?
Like I said, it’s not fair, but it’s a reality.
I really wish this weren’t the case, but not for obvious reasons. As I get older, my eyes adjust. The kind of adjustment an optometrist can’t help, the sort that sees women in a different way. That forty-plus gal looks much more appealing than that twenty-something, and for the exact same reasons the ladies spelled out above.
There is an unfortunate irony developing that hopefully will subside as time goes on. The very tweaks women purchase to look young and rejuvenated also serve to make them look “not right.” Too much stretch (snare face), too much collagen (unnaturally fat lips) and too much Botox (“I AM smiling”) only serve to make her seem she’s trying too hard at recreating something that will never return – never.
While I must admit, *small* applications of the Nip/Tuck tech can help a woman have that “fresh” look, for this Old Stag, women who look their age are far more attractive than either the nubie or the stretchie.
Cougar-aged women hearten to the fact there are many men who think you’re hot. A little effort on your part will encourage them to put down the remote and take you for a spin in the new Corvette.
I detect that Old Stag may be throwing down the gauntlet for those of us who’d like to get his type off the couch.
It’s probably just a function of aging, as the vision goes, some men lose the ability to see the more subtle degrees of hot!
Dear Old Stag,
A ’68 Nova nicely complements that Corvette. Straight 6, three on the tree. Gauntlet? I don’t see no stinking gauntlet.
Delilah er I mean Ladona,
Want his number? I think I can get it. I’m with you, I might have trouble with the ‘Vette. If my “old stag” wanted to take me out in a showy sports coupe, I’d feel like a bit-player in a midlife crisis cliché; but A ’68 Nova? I might go along for the ride.
LOL. es, the ‘Vette screams mid-life crisis. I’d prefer a more subtle ride….a jeep with the top off is more my style. Wait, now we’re talking cars and not sex! How did this happen?
It’s their fault. It’s that old trick where they try to distract us by using vehicles to compensate for other things they lack.
Can’t speak for anyone else, but I’d rather step UP into a pick-up truck–preferable with bench seats–maybe even go off road . . . but I digress.
TIP for men: While most women can be distracted (at least a little) by things that are shiny, most of us prefer substance! Nevertheless, if you wish to use the “SHINY” tactic, the stuff at the jewelry store is shinier!
Ladies, ladies, please. I didn’t want to reveal my strategies, but if YOU climb into my ride, you won’t be there long.
That hot rod will take us places where other activities ensue. It’s just a “vehicle” to excitement.
Hmmmmm. What do you think does? Is the Old Stag all talk? Sounds like a pick-up line to me.
Speaking of pick-ups . . sorry, my mind wanders.
There are many women and men that are recently single again after many years of being devoted to a single cause that are very confused. In my mind, I see them as the ones with something to prove. Whether they feel the need for a shiny Vette or a trophy escort, these people are mostly confused and headed toward a collapse.
Having spent nearly half of my life being married, raising children, and struggling to make ends meet; just g to see the light at the end of the tunnel become a freight train, I can empathize with these folks. One must remain true to themselves and their morals. Seeking something or someone you are not will only end up as another bad experience.
I personally find women in their 40′s and 50′s to be the most attractive of any generation. The style, grace, confidence, knowledge, experience and battle scars they have acquired over time make them far sexier than any hot bodied bubble head out there. Any man (or woman) who is unable to see a woman for who she is, and respect her for who she has become, is not worth her time or effort.
Take great pride in the woman you are today, you have earned the right. This is true of all women regardless of their marital status. I for one am a huge fan.
Crash,
There is so much wisdom in what you’ve said. Any woman would be lucky to find a man with your perspective.
Age is a irrelevant–an unimportant detail–like height or hair color. I’m just looking for my equal. It is unlikely that my equal would be a 20-something or a 30-something.
Annie,
Here is the thing . . most women have little trouble finding someone to sleep with, or someone they’d like to sleep with. The trouble is in finding someone they’d like to wake up with–especially more than once.
I had a few,very fun relationships with younger men between marriages. The men were smart, funny, full of life, self-effacing, confident, energetic, affectionate, HOT and not at all needy. They overlooked my post child-bearing body, they were sincere, attentive and we generally had a blast.
They loved that I knew things they didn’t. We were never were at a loss for conversation. I don’t recall asking any of my soon to be 50-year old friends where they were when Kennedy was shot because I was barely one. I never looked at these to be long-term relationships, but they were fulfilling in a lot of ways. No power struggle. Younger men live and love with the carelessness of, well, ‘youth’.
In the past two months, I have been approached by no fewer than three men, half my age. It was flattering, but being in a committed relationship means I pass this time.
Hmmm, strange how the tables have turned. I’m amazed at how often I see women only wanting to date younger to much younger men.
I don’t hold much stock in age, as long as they are somewhere within a decade of my age either way, but it is sad when women make a statement that only younger men will do.
I married one 2 years older than me, was almost married to one a year older, was with one 5 years younger and am dating one 4 years older than me now. Not by any plan, it just has happened that way.
I just can’t figure out why some women won’t even give a guy the same age or slightly older a chance…
Now as to the cars, they are like shoes, fun to have lots of choices for different occasions!
A very close match here, but Jewels has taken it to the goal, scoring a few points for the Cougars.
I don’t think anyone is talking about minor differences of five or so years. However, Steve makes a very good point about shoes and cars.
In her song Shoes, Shania says the same thing is true of men.
I’ve excerpted lyrics below, but if you want to listen to a bit of fun, YouTube it. (I recommend the country version.)
Men are like shoes, made to confuse.
Yeah, there’s so many of ‘em,
I don’t know which ones to choose. . .
There’s the kind made for runnin’,
The sneakers and the low down heels.
The kind that will keep you on your toes,
And every girl knows how that feels.
Ouch, ah, sing it with me.
You’ve got your kickers an’ your ropers,
Your everyday loafers, an’ some that you can never find.
You’ve got slippers an’ your zippers,
Your grabbers and your grippers, an’ man, don’t you hate that kind?
Some you wear in, an’ some you wear out,
Some you wanna leave behind. (Some you wanna leave behind.)
Sometimes you hate ‘em, an’ sometimes you love ‘em,
I guess it all depends on which way you rub ‘em,
But a girl can never have too many of ‘em.
It’s amazing what a little polish’ll do:
Men are like shoes.
Some make you feel ten feet tall, (Tall.)
Some make you feel so small. (So small.)
An’ some you wanna leave out in the hall,
Or make you feel like kickin’ the wall.
To Steve: My first husband was 19 years my senior, hmmm score one for the trophy wife?? and my current is 6 years older. Most of the men I have dated have been at least 6-10 years my senior. For me it has nothing to do with the number, it is the man. Age is nothing more than a label, like race.
Yes, I agree…age can be just a label. Dated mature younger men, immature older men….looking for the shoe that fits! Hmmmm, maybe Italian made, a little on the crazy side yet comfortable
Italian-made? That’s what I have–can’t go wrong if you look for quality! You go girl!